Opinions on What's Going On... (Surprised w/ Ex- Engagement)

[damn2008]

Long story everyone...thanks in advance if you read.

My ex-g/f (Soon-to-be 24) and me (25) were together for 3 1/2 years (started June 2004). We broke up in January/February 2008 upon her initiation of the break-up. Everything was wonderful for long, when we were good...we were really good, but like every relationship...we had some fights and those could turn sour sometimes.

I had some self-esteem issues regarding her ex's...especially an older man (17 years her senior...long story) that she was still in contact with via e-mail and this led to several big fights between us. I wasn't perfect either but regardless towards the end of the relationship she was beginning to become convinced I didn't want to take our relationship to the "next level" even though I assured her I did. It became very one-sided towards the end where I would reach out towards her and she would back off or she would reach out to me and I would back off.

She had an extra year of college, I waited for her...we at the very least planned to move in together in our own place. Once she got out of college, there were stresses with her adjusting to her new job and things became different between us.

Nevertheless, like I mentioned before...she became convinced I wasn't ready to move forward with us, I had told her I was and she was very distant. I told her I needed her help though because I couldn't do it alone. One day she called me over and we sat down and she said she thinks we should break up, I told her "no" of course and said I've been ready to go..I wanted marriage, kids, everything (I had told her this throughout our relationship but I believe she never took it seriously). She wanted to be friends but I said "no" because I believe it would be really hard on me considering we had been so close. We broke it off in late January/early February. There were some occassional phone calls and text messages but after a while the contact became ZERO (mostly cause of me). It was really hard.

A little background on her before the next part. Her father divorced her mom when she was quite young, I believe around 7-9. Her father has LITTLE-TO-NO contact with her and when he does its more out of some obligation that she is his daughter rather than anything with love or care. I had seen their interaction on the phone and in-person and it is very awkward.

Anyways...lets cut to now, I had packed some stuff up that I had sent to her (but had come back into my possession by some events I can't remember) from our whole relationship. I contacted her this past week after a long while to tell her I had this stuff and would like to return it via mail. She suggested getting together...I suggested dinner this past Friday...she said "sure" and we had a meeting set-up.

At this point, I had an inkling she was engaged because I had seen a Facebook message between her cousin and one of her friends asking how to plan a Bachlorette party...it really hurt to see that and something told me it was her.

I went in with the mentality that I did not want her back (at least not right away) but I was ready to be her friend. So when we met my eyes went straight for her left ring finger and BOOM! There it was...an engagement ring. We'd been broken up for like 5-6 months!!!!!!!!

She knew I was shocked and said she didn't want to hurt me (she tried covering the ring up as she approached, but noticed my eyes go straight to it). I was very cordial and polite, but it was obvious that it was hard for both of us when we saw one another and I almost instantly wanted her back...of course the ring put a halt to that.

Turns out she met a man at work who works at a sister office she sometimes visited for business reasons. This man is 36, divorced, with custody of 2 kids (9 and 10). She says they got engaged in JUNE...and had started their romantic relationship sometime after things were done with us...she never gave a clear date which makes me wonder whether he contributed to our break-up (she says he had nothing to do with it...she has always been an honest person, so naturally I believe her but I have suspicions). I was very surprised, shocked and hurt that she had suddenly met and was engaged with someone so quick with a possible turn-around time of LESS THAN 5 months or so.

We caught up on work, family and various other stuff, but when we got back to our relationship I became very convinced that this was sort of a "rebound relationship" that perhaps gave her what she had wanted with me. I also wonder if her estrained relationship with her father has led her to older men (like her previous ex- I mentioned above). I directly asked her whether she wished the ring on her finger was from me and she avoided my eyes and said "I can't answer that." I told her that her eyes gave her away on that and she confirmed that. I didn't inquire much about her new fiancee (he was out of town hunting - she rolled her eyes at this) other than that she got along well with his kids (she was worried about the teen years) and that she had some trouble with his ex-wife and understood why I had trouble with her ex's. This man's ex-wife was already re-married.

My ex-g/f still lives at home with her mother and not with her fiancee, who she is set to wed in May '09 (I'm sure she'll move in after that). She made it clear to me it was not her intention to hurt me but obviously it did and I've been having a tough time dealing with it. She said that since we broke up she had respected my wishes to be left alone (we've both had trouble "initiating" things in our relationship) and during that time I had tried to get her out of my mind...but we spent a lot of time together and we're best friends. So this news has obviously been very upsetting to me because it is all so quick and unexpected.

What's your all's opinions? Was this a "rebound" thing that got her what she wanted quick? She seems to barely know this guy and now she's marrying him? What's going on? Does she still have feelings for me but is now trapped?

I've called her today because it has been tough dealing with this for me mentally and emotionally. I know I have to move on and I will but it's difficult wrapping this around my head how this has happened so fast.

[Cain]

She's wasting her life on an older man who she is going to outgrow and is going to have to take care of kids that aren't even hers.

I do think that because she wanted to be married so quickly that this was something that gave her what she wanted.. and I also think that this marriage is going to fall apart once she realizes what a mistake she made.

[damn2008]

She's wasting her life on an older man who she is going to outgrow and is going to have to take care of kids that aren't even hers.

I do think that because she wanted to be married so quickly that this was something that gave her what she wanted.. and I also think that this marriage is going to fall apart once she realizes what a mistake she made.

Thanks Cain, my family has said the same thing and I believe the same though I didn't tell her.

She's claimed they've already had fights on serious matters and compared them to our fights that in the grand scheme of things were so trivial.

She also seems somewhat ashamed of it and/or wants to hide it. She has not told some of her old college friends because she's afraid they'd think it was her and I when it isn't.

When we talked about marriage and kids, we certainly wanted kids...but wanted a few years into our marriage by ourselves before we brought kids into the world...unfortunately now it looks like she's going to dealing with them right off the bat.

Credit to her that shes always been a mature person ever since I've known her...but from knowing her I can think of the stuff that would already start stressing her out because of the drastic change.

[Hollywood]

Definitely a rebound. This man must be desperate as well.

This is all the more reason why women should never rebound with another man. Let your rebound be, picking up a new hobby, working out, going to positive spots with your buddies, shopping (when you can afford it not when you cant), buy a puppy, buy a hamster... idk SOMETHING!! Don't rebound with another man! Blah!

[Dasein]

I smell a rat.

She was the one who suggested the break up. Sorry to say it but I think that she was either cheating physically or emotionally with this man while you were together. When people start to become distant in relationships it is normally because they are getting ready to leave or thinking about it. I think the accusing you of not wanting to move on with the realtionship is a red herring. SHE was the one who didn't want to move forward with you.Also the timing is pretty damn fast.

It must be difficult for you to get your head around it, but in all honesty she isn't worth it. There are so many women out there who are longing for a man such as yourself who isn't afraid of committment. Give yourself time to get over her and find the right woman for you.

[1averagejoe]

Definitely a rebound. This man must be desperate as well.

This is all the more reason why women should never rebound with another man. Let your rebound be, picking up a new hobby, working out, going to positive spots with your buddies, shopping (when you can afford it not when you cant), buy a puppy, buy a hamster... idk SOMETHING!! Don't rebound with another man! Blah!

My rebound...cycling my ass off. And I love it! I ride her hard. The bike that is.

The girl is a dumbass. She'll end up divorced.
/thread

[shh!]

What's your all's opinions? Was this a "rebound" thing that got her what she wanted quick? She seems to barely know this guy and now she's marrying him? What's going on? Does she still have feelings for me but is now trapped?

I don't think it is considered a "rebound" relationship when you leave your current boy for a new one. She may not have been dating him when you were together, but she was definitely aware of the possibility, and I believe this DID play a role in your break up...

I also don't think she is trapped unless she chooses to be... she doesn't even live with him. How is that "trapped"?

She probably isn't even *close* to becoming aware of the huge mistake she is about to make. I know you are hurting, but I am really feeling sorry for those kids, and even a little bit for her. Their lives are about to take a turn for the worse, and this girl isn't old enough to understand the gravity of this decision.

You on the other hand, will grieve (of course) but then you can move on with a clean slate. You are in a much better position than she is.

[damn2008]

Thanks all, I've had a lot of good advice from family and friends (offline of course) and I even greatly appreciate all your advice.

After the weekend and all, I feel a lot better and confident that I am in the best position. I no where near feel as hurt as I did before.

She tried arguing to me today about some issues of our relationship but I said not to waste her time and such as it was the past. I told her I would be there as a friend and she knew how to reach me. I think it was rough for a for the weekend but for the fact that my feelings have rolled over so quickly reaffirms to me that I am indeed over her and us and I'm already moving forward.

I wished her the best but like a lot of you (and my friends and family) I share similar sentiments that this relationship won't last. Whether it did start (or had the potential of starting) while we were together really doesn't matter to me anymore.

Thanks all once again.

[Dasein]

She tried arguing to me today about some issues of our relationship but I said not to waste her time and such as it was the past. I told her I would be there as a friend and she knew how to reach me. I think it was rough for a for the weekend but for the fact that my feelings have rolled over so quickly reaffirms to me that I am indeed over her and us and I'm already moving forward.

Great to hear. Yes it is best to leave the past as the past. Why is it that when you break up with someone and they want to become "friends" they then use this time to bring up negative things from the past?

I would actually try and not have contact with her though..do you really want to be her shoulder to cry on when her marriage breaks up?