I hate this feeling.

[MH202]

Dear Kelsey,
When I look at you, not only do I see the overwhelming beauty, but, I also see someone who I have convinced myself of being some neurotic, immature, painfully “experienced“ teenager. These thoughts not only pain every inch of my body, but they are only thought of to help me destroy the angelic image of you I have in my head. I have never looked at, thought of or have ever met a girl who comes close to being as complicated and wonderful as you. Just when I think I have you pegged as some drunk party animal, a needy/insecure girl or even (from the gatherings I have unwillingly heard from your “friends”) a cheating, easy slut, I am set back to square one. You are none of these things even though you may have done or experienced some of these, it doesn’t mean you or limited to the perceptions I have of your actions, only you know who and what you are. What I am trying to get across is, is that no matter how much I convince myself you are nothing but a regular girl, I am as far from the truth as you are from no longer saying words such as “toot face” and “bumble butt”. I have come to the conclusion that I think these things about you and diminish your illustrious image because I cannot bare the thought that you ended our relationship due to a lack of feelings for me, when the feelings I have for you are beyond complicated and verging on the territory of gut wrenching love.

The utter feeling of rejection and insecurity that became of that incident, pains my every though of you. I create the most elaborate stories in my head due to the over thinking and overwhelming fear and truth that you care for me as a good friend when that very friendship is wrapping an iron case over my heart at the mention of your name. I know I sounds like an over attached and possibly mentally unstable person, but the connection I felt with you was the work of something greater then anything I can imagine. When I held you and kissed your soft yet unfortunately reluctant lips I experienced a high of happiness and desire. Even when I was with you I felt like you were so far away and I was chasing you, sometimes I think your inability to care for me the way I did you was somehow the reason I fell for you so hard. The thought of you happy with another guy hurts more then when you broke up with me, because when you ended it with me it was because you couldn’t feel what I did, and you being with another guy means you can feel what I’ve always wanted from you and feel it with him so naturally. I feel like I’m trying to squeeze blood from a god damn stone with you and I never get anywhere. I treat you like shit because if I’m myself around you , I’ll slip into an inescapable infatuation and you will be driven further away from me then I could bare.

[Mish]

I hope this is not a love letter