I hate this feeling of insecurity :(

[TrulyS]

Hi
Well I am a newbie here but thought I would post with the thoughts that are consuming my mind right now.
I am in a distance relationship with a wonderful man. It has been a whirlwind romance, full of laughter and romantic gestures, and I've fallen for him very hard very quickly. He actually told me he's in love with me very early on which took me by surprise but I soon realised I felt the same.
I was married for 18 years until I divorced 2 years ago and although I have been on dates and a couple of casual relationships nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
My problem is that I have become really insecure lately. I understand that all relationships slow down but it seems as if he isn't texting me as much and the phonecalls aren't as frequent. We have recently argued about me getting upset if he can't come to see me or he cant stay long. I actually thought it was over as he said he couldn't bear the drama but we had a long conversation and he assured me that he loved me and still felt the same and that if he didn't have comittments he would be looking for a property nearer me. We agreed to try and just enjoy the time we do have together rather than worrying about how frequent it is but since then we've not talked much or texted and I'm getting that nagging feeling in my chest again.

I hate myself like this, its as if I am having all my teenage angst now as I married my first real boyfriend and never experienced it then!!! I'm worried that if I let things cool off then we will drift apart, but if I keep contacting him he will think I'm pushing him and get sick of me.

How do men's minds work? Is he really not texting as much because he's busy? Did we really put our problems behind us? Am I ruining the relationship by being like this?

Please be kind and constructive with your answers, I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this.

Truly x

[misombra]

...and "probably."

[Gribble]

/mutters to self...I think I need to stop using "think", "might", and "feel" so damned much...

Bah. Smart people use those words. Absolutes are almost always absolutely false.

Unless you're trying to get laid. In which case you know everything with absolute certainty.

[misombra]

you guys are always trying to get laid.

[Cain]

Hi
Well I am a newbie here but thought I would post with the thoughts that are consuming my mind right now.
I am in a distance relationship with a wonderful man. It has been a whirlwind romance, full of laughter and romantic gestures, and I've fallen for him very hard very quickly. He actually told me he's in love with me very early on which took me by surprise but I soon realised I felt the same.
I was married for 18 years until I divorced 2 years ago and although I have been on dates and a couple of casual relationships nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
My problem is that I have become really insecure lately. I understand that all relationships slow down but it seems as if he isn't texting me as much and the phonecalls aren't as frequent. We have recently argued about me getting upset if he can't come to see me or he cant stay long. I actually thought it was over as he said he couldn't bear the drama but we had a long conversation and he assured me that he loved me and still felt the same and that if he didn't have comittments he would be looking for a property nearer me. We agreed to try and just enjoy the time we do have together rather than worrying about how frequent it is but since then we've not talked much or texted and I'm getting that nagging feeling in my chest again.

I hate myself like this, its as if I am having all my teenage angst now as I married my first real boyfriend and never experienced it then!!! I'm worried that if I let things cool off then we will drift apart, but if I keep contacting him he will think I'm pushing him and get sick of me.

How do men's minds work? Is he really not texting as much because he's busy? Did we really put our problems behind us? Am I ruining the relationship by being like this?

Please be kind and constructive with your answers, I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this.

Truly x

How did you two meet? How far is the distance? How often do you see each other? Do you have a date where you both know you won't be separated by distance anymore?

[TrulyS]

Hi and thanks to everyone that posted a reply.

He actually dumped me tonight by telephone so I guess not only was I right that he was cooling off, that I now don't need answers to the above.

Quite touchingly though he did try and have a crack at 'playing' with me on messenger before I asked him if we could talk about stuff which is when he told me he thought the distance was too great. This distance is a 2 hour car journey. Aint love grand. Numb right now and actually wondering if anything he ever said to me was true.

Live and learn. x

[starbuck]

Sorry to hear that this happened to you. At least now you know, and can move on.

I think that if two people are in love, they'll make the time to be with one another. If there is distance, it's usually a sign that they just aren't as interested as you are. If he's not making you a priority, then he's probably not even worth it, you know?

Living and learning is a good thing. Better than living and making the same mistakes over and over again. Believe me, I've just come out of one of the worst relationships of my life, and I know how you feel Sometimes life events take a while to reveal their rewards.

[IndiReloaded]

Ah, forget him. If that's you in your pic, you are cute & they will be beating on your door in no time.

2 hour drive is nothing. He sounds lazy & too cowardly to give a decent reason.

Vent at will. Welcome to the forum.

[TrulyS]

Sorry to hear that this happened to you. At least now you know, and can move on.

I think that if two people are in love, they'll make the time to be with one another. If there is distance, it's usually a sign that they just aren't as interested as you are. If he's not making you a priority, then he's probably not even worth it, you know?

Living and learning is a good thing. Better than living and making the same mistakes over and over again. Believe me, I've just come out of one of the worst relationships of my life, and I know how you feel Sometimes life events take a while to reveal their rewards.

Thank you so much for this. I know what you are saying is true as I have children and comittments and I was prepared to make it work, I believe that he has used it as an excuse anyway so he clearly didn't want to be with me.

I hope I can learn my lesson through this and toughen up a little along the way too, but then I don't want to compromise the kind of person I am, which is sadly trusting and giving I just need to be able to judge who is worthy of those things I guess.

Thanks again.

TS

[TrulyS]

Ah, forget him. If that's you in your pic, you are cute & they will be beating on your door in no time.

2 hour drive is nothing. He sounds lazy & too cowardly to give a decent reason.

Vent at will. Welcome to the forum.

Thanks Indi, I agree with you the more I think about it.

Its the morning after the night before and Ive had lots of time to analyse it. It still hurts like hell, but I too think he is a coward and I was naive.

It is me in the pic. Not so sure I'm ready to get back on the horse yet (so to speak) but I am really trying to learn from this.

Thanks for the welcome. I hope that in time I will be able to give some wise and caring advice to people too.

I appreciate your words, thanks again

TS

[clearskies]

since then we've not talked much or texted and I'm getting that nagging feeling in my chest again.

Am I ruining the relationship by being like this?

I do believe in my inner feelings, after sometime things become clearer than they were and in many of these cases when I had these painful doubts, I was always proven right... For me, it is good to follow my instincts...
I do not see you wasted your time in this relationship but you have gained experience... I am in similar situation to yours and had such a short but painful experience.. I think it is a trend now that some losers are looking for divorced well-off women... Once she falls in the trap, his ugly face appears and just puts an end to the relationship. Erase your text messages (Sent & Inbox), delete his emails and try to forget all about it.. It will not take you long to forget because it seems like it was not a serious relationship as he wanted it to look like..

[Mish]

I'm worried that if I let things cool off then we will drift apart, but if I keep contacting him he will think I'm pushing him and get sick of me.

Why are you worrying about drifting apart? If it will happen, then it will happen there's nothing you can do to prevenet that. Be happy with the freedom and space you are given and exercise it in a way that gives you maximum amount of happiness. Ever heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder? It's only true when you spend that distance being happy and come back to your partner to share all of the wonderful experiences that occured in their absence.

Don't be clingy! Or you'll lose him.

[Mish]

Ah ooops, missed that part. Well, the way I see it. If things end on their own it's for the better, there's no need to force yourself to make it work. If a decent and fair effort is not enough to stay together, then seperate ways is ussually the best way to go.

[TrulyS]

I do believe in my inner feelings, after sometime things become clearer than they were and in many of these cases when I had these painful doubts, I was always proven right... For me, it is good to follow my instincts...
I do not see you wasted your time in this relationship but you have gained experience... I am in similar situation to yours and had such a short but painful experience.. I think it is a trend now that some losers are looking for divorced well-off women... Once she falls in the trap, his ugly face appears and just puts an end to the relationship. Erase your text messages (Sent & Inbox), delete his emails and try to forget all about it.. It will not take you long to forget because it seems like it was not a serious relationship as he wanted it to look like..

Thank you clearskies, I now know I was spot on with my instincts too. I am trying to put him from my mind but sadly he posts on another forum that I use and it's hard to watch him laughing and joking on there while I feel so utterly stupid and let down and hurt. I'm trying to stay away but you know how it is, just need to break the habit.

Do some men really have no feelings?

I've deleted his texts and thrown away his stuff he left at my place, just need to get my mindset right now to see what a heartless idiot he is rather than the warm loving man he pretended to be to get me hooked.

I appreciate your comment. Bless you. I hope things work out good for you

TS

[TrulyS]

Why are you worrying about drifting apart? If it will happen, then it will happen there's nothing you can do to prevenet that. Be happy with the freedom and space you are given and exercise it in a way that gives you maximum amount of happiness. Ever heard that distance makes the heart grow fonder? It's only true when you spend that distance being happy and come back to your partner to share all of the wonderful experiences that occured in their absence.

Don't be clingy! Or you'll lose him.

The above is only true if both parties feel the same way, sadly that wasnt the case. I was never clingy, I let him have his space and didnt mention it to him but was aware of the change in him, which turned out to be him building up to ending the relationship.

Ah ooops, missed that part. Well, the way I see it. If things end on their own it's for the better, there's no need to force yourself to make it work. If a decent and fair effort is not enough to stay together, then seperate ways is ussually the best way to go.

They didn't end on their own he ended it, it wouldnt have required force for me to make it work, I was blissfully unaware until he cooled off that he didnt feel the same.

Thanks for your input I appreciate it

TS