Being Judgemental with a close friend

[Kero]

Hello all,

This seems like a good place to ask questions as I'm a 21 Year old with absolutely zero relationship experience. In fact, it usually doesn't even occur to me that I need to be in a relationship since I'm so used to the geek lifestyle of chilling on my laptop and eatting instant noodles (Alright, it's actually not that bad). I've come here looking for some guidance, or at least opinions on my weird situation. Feel free to be as harsh as you want...! It's possible that I'll be viewed as a jerk for this but I don't have horrible intentions. Moving onto the scenario.

Recently I've been hanging out more with my close friend; to the extent that it has sometimes caused periods of confusion between the two of us. Yet, nobody has brought it up because it'd destroy the friendship dynamic we have going on at the moment, especially since we both finally settled on just being good friends. Long story short: I was confused about how I felt, and wasn't convienced that I liked her in that manner, supporting with evidence such as believing that we're just too different. Still, a friend mentioned recently that it's weird that we're so affection with each other such as poking, teasing, tickling, (no hugs) emphasising a valid point that if I did have a girlfriend, it wouldn't be appropriate to have so much close contact with a normal friend. Suppose in that regard, my friend is right...

There's alot that I like about my friend such as her optimism, light hearted nature, calmness, sensitivity, interest in psychology and so fourth. What I value most about my friend is that she's extremely accepting of other people, to the extent that I sometimes joke that she's like ditto, adaptable to any group of friends. It's clear that she has a high level of empathy for other people around her.

Yet I can't seem to accept the fact that she's interested in fashion and spends a reasonable amount of time on make-up products. She's truly challenged some of my beliefs about what it means to be interested in such things and asked some thought provoking questions such as what's the major difference between that and an interest in purchasing games. Before I met her, I had a lot of limiting beliefs about fashion by associating it with unhealthy consumerism/image; something that I feel causes alot of problems within society. I know she's not materialistic/image-focused though. It's not because she has low-self esteem or such, she's just has an interest in such industry.

It's sort of embarrasing that while I place so much importance on being non-judgemental, I can't seem to offer her the same sort of acceptance that she appears to do so easily. I dislike the fact that I'm subconsciously evaluating her hobbies and making some form of value judgement that she's just a different sort of person. Failing to remember that it's just an aspect of her, not her entire identity. I cringe at the value judgements I made at the beginning of our friendship.

Despite being confused about how I feel towards her, it's reasons like the above that make me think, if I can't accept her on such a basic thing then how is it possible that I like her? Having said all that, It's because of this uncertainty, that I'm 'evaluating' my friend so harshly in the first place consindering that I don't mind my other friend who likes fashion. It's only when thinking about the idea of being together that it becomes an issue, where I go into the whole 'we're on different planets' mode, is it really possible that I'm just in denial?

Overall it's just really frustrating not knowing where I stand with myself and why I'm so critical of my friend.

I appreciate any insight on this confusing mess.

[vashti]

You spend too much time lost in your own self-righteous thoughts, and not enough time interacting with others. She wants to work in fashion - not as a secretary for a serial killer. Get a hold of yourself!

[Kero]

That would be a good way of describing the situation.

A friend mentioned that it appeared like I was making an excuse to not get together with her, for the fear that it wouldn't work out between us. The whole interest in fashion probably wouldn't matter that much in the actual relationship since we'd still be sharing lots of other common interests.