Birthday Gift for a Close Friend

[kenneth.richard]

Hi Everyone...

A really close friend is having a birthday soon and I wanted to get her a birthday present. I never had a problem getting bday/xmas gifts for her. But the situation I'm in makes the gift hard to find...

This girl is my high school ex and we were in a "high school relationship." Basically we'd see each other ever Friday/Saturday at a movie, dinner, shopping, etc. I cared about her a lot, and I believe it was mutual. We never said "I love you" simply because we got together pretty late in high school. But I think it was something that was unspoken. I mean we were friends since the 4th grade. We were never intimate with one another and I'm happy we weren't just because of the situation we were in. I wanted her first to be with a person that could be with her and take care of her all the time.

I was moving away for college (about 200 miles from her) and we both decided to break it off just because we didn't think distant-relationships would work. We talk a few times a month, usually 3-4 hours each conversation. We know almost everything about one another even though we talk less than before.

A few years go by and she started seeing this guy she met. I really liked how she talked about him and how happy he made her. A few months go by and he turns into a jerk. She wants to be with him and I tell her I will support her no matter what. Last night was the 3rd time she called me in the last month needing someone to talk to about their relationship.

Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm not sure what I should be getting her. When we dated, I did a lot of sentimental stuff for gifts. I set up candle lit picnics on the lake. I asked her to meet me at a coffee shop and serenaded her during the shops open mic night (I've played the guitar since I was 10). I've always been a romantic and a courtly love type of guy. Till this day, she still tells me "He's not the romantic type of guy you are..." and tells me she misses hanging out with me.

So there's my problem, and I apologize for it being so long. But I don't think a romantic picnic or a coffee shop performance would be appropriate for her gift. I hate buying materialistic things just because that's not my type of personality. She has a boyfriend and I respect that, even if he is a jerk. I kept all her notes from the past and I wanted to frame a funny note we had in high school. But again, I think if her boyfriend saw it, he'd be upset. And the last thing I want is for them to get into another argument. He seems to be a jealous type of person from what I hear.

So ladies, I ask you with all my respect and appreciation: what would you consider appropriate for her 22nd birthday? I ask all my guy friends and they end up telling me to take her on a cruise during the summer. Not valid advice in this case. Anything will help. I care about her a lot and I want her to get out of this slump she's been in. So I want to give her something that makes her smile. Yet, I don't want to rub off as if I am her boyfriend (in avoidance of her bf's jealousy).

In all honesty, I don't know if I have feelings for her or not. All I know is that I truly care about her and want her to have a beautiful birthday. Simply because she is a beautiful person, inside and out.

[vashti]

Your friends are crazy. You should avoid going over the top with a gift. She is a friend, not a girlfriend.

Take her to lunch and a movie.

[abetterus]

Just a phone call will do...If she has a boyfriend and you are the ex, then you will cause her major probs with him. If thats not your intention and you don't want to drive her into a deeper slump...better stick with a call or text and leave it at that. She will appreatiate the fact that you thought of her...that will be enough!

[kenneth.richard]

I think I will stick to something like dinner and maybe a movie. We already set up dinner a few days ago. We never really get to see each other due to busy schedules, so we make it a tradition to see each other on our birthdays.

Would a card and flowers be too much at dinner?

Our situation is weird, but maybe this will help: I am her best male friend and she is my best female friend. In that instance, what would you appreciate from your best male friend? If anything at all.

[vashti]

No flowers, and no mushy cards. You seem to want to treat this girl like a lover rather than a friend. And dinner is usually considered a date. Won't her boyfriend mind you taking his girl on a date?

[kenneth.richard]

Maybe. Is the usual case: once a girl starts dating someone, does that usually mean all her guy friends are history? I really only had one close female friend, so it's new to me.

Yeah, I would HATE to give her flowers and a card. Seems boring and unoriginal. I think I might just have to stick to dinner.

[Gigabitch]

Flowers are not boring, they're threatening, to her boyfriend.

Respect her relationship, kr, the way you would want someone else to respect your relationship if you were the one she goes home to.

[lesa]

It sounds like you still want a be in a relationship with her, kenneth.richard?

[IndiReloaded]

OMG. Do not send her flowers. Or jewelry. Just... don't.

[lesa]

If you were hanging out with a male friend, for his birthday what would you get him?

[kenneth.richard]

If you were hanging out with a male friend, for his birthday what would you get him?

Well all my guy friends are sports addicts, so I usually end up getting them tickets to a football game or a basketball game. She on the other hand, not a big sports fan. All my guy friends live in the same city so we usually have a couple friends over and play a little poker too. I'd buy them in $20 or so. It's easy with them because they are guys. I think like them and I know them as if they were my brothers.

I shouldn't of mentioned my confusing feelings for her, because it made my initial question more confusing when I added that outside variable. Our friendship means more to me than any feelings I have for her. I haven't even thought about trying to get back into a relationship with her. Our situations are just so different.

I wouldn't want any guy to try to make a move on my girlfriend if I had one. I respect her relationship, but I also think friends can be friends, no matter what genders they are. So I don't want to just ignore the importance of her birthday like that. I want to get her something.

I was just thinking: maybe a pint of rocky road ice cream? It's her favorite. Simple. Easy. Not too big. Not too dramatic. Not too forward.

[IndiReloaded]

If you care for her, and it will make her happy, get her ice cream for her birthday. No problem.

But, KR, don't kid yourself. Friends don't spend 3-4 hours several times a month on the phone to each other. That's quite a lot of emotional investment there.

So, you're more than friends. Whatever else you are, or could be, remains to be seen. Tho, as someone just posted in another thread: friends that good should be made into spouses.

Think about it.

[kenneth.richard]

If you care for her, and it will make her happy, get her ice cream for her birthday. No problem.

But, KR, don't kid yourself. Friends don't spend 3-4 hours several times a month on the phone to each other. That's quite a lot of emotional investment there.

So, you're more than friends. Whatever else you are, or could be, remains to be seen. Tho, as someone just posted in another thread: friends that good should be made into spouses.

Think about it.

I've never thought about it that way. That is really something that is worth thinking about. I've been trying to keep my mind off of her because she's with someone. As I said before, I truly respect her relationship. I don't think my life is distracted by her in any way. I don't want to bring it up either because I am really scared it will make things awkward between us. That's the last thing I want.

I want to thank all of yall for the advice. Each one of you really helped and I can't say "THANK YOU" enough. You ladies are brilliant.