Long distance relationships... Let's discuss

[blackiesharley]

Maybe it's just me but I don't see the point or how they ever work. Seems like the only winner is the phone company.

I've actually met some nice ladies on the 'net but what good does it do? I'm in Florida and they're in California, New York or wherever. Long way to travel for a first 'real' date.

I'm sure there are success stories and I don't mean to sound cynical, but life seems so much more simple when you can just say, 'meet me for a drink after work?' to a girl that happens to live five miles from you.

Guess I just need to spend more time locally in the real World and not rely on the net. I'm sure there's a fine lady within a ten-minute radius that would like to meet up with me. Relationships and dating are hard enough without adding the 'far-far away' factor.

Opinions?

[Pears]

I definately agree that long distance relationships are usually difficult. I've had a semi-long term relationship before. I found that I'm a different person when I'm with him and when I'm far from him. I go to school with him so I see him for 3 months and those months are great. He and I get along so well. When summer break comes, I don't get to see him for about 3 months because he lives far away. During phone conversations, he and I would argue about countless things and nothing seems to work between us. We just figured that long term relationships don't work for us and we'd have to keep seeing each other periodically if we wanted to be together.

[Tone]

I also agree, it's not worth it.

Relationships are complicated enough up close, that you don't need to add more conflict by adding in the distance factor.

[Gigabitch]

When you are in love someone, you need to be able to wrap your legs around him and bury your face in his sweet neck at the end of the day. Tele-fornication just doesn't compare.

[Tone]

When you are in love someone, you need to be able to wrap your legs around him and bury your face in his sweet neck at the end of the day. Tele-fornication just doesn't compare.

Mmmm fo sho

Gotta have that physical closeness.

[blackiesharley]

Mmmm fo sho

Gotta have that physical closeness.

SO TRUE! Doesn't even have to be sexual, just a hand-hold, a hug or a kiss. The scent of perfume or colonge that stays with you after a date... All that stuff. Couples need that closeness to 'meld.' You don't get that on the damn telephone.

Nothing against internet dating, my two best buddies are enjoying married life with nice, attractive ladies they met online, but they were LOCAL to them. It was like meet online, a couple of nights of IMing or phone chats and then 'let's meet for dinner tommorrow and see what happens.'

My problem is that I live in a small town and my internet options are all long distance. I've gotta get back to the real World, like I said. There are some cool clubs and events around here, just gotta stop whining, get off my lazy butt and get out there and meet people.

[AmyLee]

i really think that if u love the person u can manage to make it work but this is way too
difficult cause maybe u're behaving correctly but u will never know if ur partner is and
there's always that "what if he's not being faithfull" feeling and that would totally kill
me i can't live like that.
I'm a very physicall person, i need him by my side, not miles away.

[vashti]

I am only a fan of long distance relationships after you have been married for maybe 10 years. At that point, they can be a marriage saver.

Not good for dating though....

[DutchBoY]

Well, I sure as hell hope they can work.....I'm pretty invested in getting with someone who doesn't exactly live around the corner (approx 2,5-3 hours away).

[squirrley]

Iron and I met through here, he lived in GA and I am here in FL. Fluke that we met through love forum and after talking his mom lived down the street from me. So we dated and saw one another for almost a year. But half way through it was difficult. We were always on our best behavior cause we never saw one another and visits were just the weekends. Your relationship just doesnt grow properly. I really fell for him hard. (pics are in the gallery)

But after awhile I wanted more and thought about moving there, glad as hell I didnt. But it just didnt work.

Relationships NEED certain elements, without them, its too difficult. I did have another long distance relationship, the whole college thing, and that worked for years. But thats another story, glad as hell that didnt work either.

But I give alot of credit to those who DO make it work.

[Debunkt]

Chya, I'm inclined to believe that they can work.... probably because I'm in one. I mean, its real easy to predict all the horrible things that will happen and that you'll feel if you're in one, but honestly, if you're not in one and never have been, its not really something you should pass judgement on.

First off, any relationship will have its stresses. Its the way it works. People seem to think that adding distance is like putting a piano on a house of cards, when in reality, its just another card or two. It may be the one that makes or breaks the relationship, but its just another card. Everyone seems to have a big insecurity about trust, as if they all think "well if I can't see them, I'll assume the worst, and If I trust them, I'm being naive." As I've said before, if your love is invested in a good person, (or at least not necesarily a stupid one), than it will often be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't have trust in someone, they have nothing to break, and will do what they want. You do have trust in someone, and they will feel obligated in their fidelity and loyalty. I know you people in normal relationships wouldn't like to think you have to be watched all the time, so why would it be different with distance? If you think I'm dumb for thinking this way, than I'll be dumb and happy in the assumption that my gf is loyal to me and me alone. And if you think even bringing up worries and issues in a LDR is going to cause someone to blow it out of proportion, you're wrong again. Obviously its really only for rational people who can keep their head straight. I know its hard, even I have a difficult time with it, but I don't see why I should suspect someone far away anymore than someone close by. You'll never be around someone 24 hours a day, and you'll never read minds, so you might as well realize that trust is trust no matter where you are.

Distance is only a physical measure of the space between people. Like I said, we're all some distance away, and you can't see your SO anytime you want. Distance does not apply to emotion. You can feel the same way about someone, love 'em or hate 'em, no matter where you are in the world. Its the genuiness of our actions and words that create a strong relationship, not the number of hours it takes to see someone, or how long you'll have to wait. All our lives are separate, whether we love someone or not, and therefore it doesn't matter if someone is living their life away from you. If they love you, and you love them, its the way it is. Given, you can't go you're whole life without being with them, but if you've been with that person, invested time, money, emotion, stress, love, frustration, and everything that comes along with any relationship, than distance is not going to be a barrier. Everyone loves to have an excuse as to why things can't work, an easy way to get out of something you can't cope with. But, in fact, distance is not something that destroys a relationship, but the people and how they deal with it. If you can see someone, be with them, talk to them with passion and honesty, no matter how often these things happen, then you can love them. There may be some unwanted geography in a long distance relationship, but thats all it is, and its still just a relationship.

[XPixiedustX]

wow this is really weird, I came to loveforum thinking I needed to find out what ppl thought about long distance relationships...and voila this was the first thread I saw. I guess i'm in a bit of a dilema, I've been dating someone for almost three years, and now we're deciding where we should go to professional school. He wants to do law, I want to do medicine. He says we should make the move that is right for our careers. We love each other and even wanna get married. I trust him, but I do have moments where I wonder if he'd break, with pressure from school. Or if we'd grow apart being physically away from each other for 4 years. He said if we are away we'd have incentive to call each other, and we'd cherish the moments we get together more. Even if we were to be in teh same city we woudl be pretty buzy, the way I see it at least that way if i've had a bad week and need a hug, at least we can meet up here and there even if it is for a short while. I woudl hate to feel that it's physically impossible for me to be next to him even if I really needed to. Professional school is hard as is, it would be harder knowing I can't be near him even if i really want.
He said he doesn't want to end up like his parents, who he claims are only married by law. Early in their marriage they did not see much of each other beacuse of their jobs and they communicated through sticky notes. He said that this was the time they grew apart. But I feel that even if our schedules were such that we didn't see each other much, in the same city we could at least pull together an hour or so here and there.
What do you think is teh better option, having little time for each other in the same city, or having little time for each other in different towns?

[Prodigal]

Long-distance relationships (LDRs), in my opinion, CAN work. There is no denying that they are very hard, however. I think that the percentage of long-distance relationships turning into very deep relationships or marriages even is much higher than for a local one. This is because the relationship is more spiritual/emotional and less because of pure physical attraction. Albeit the physical factor has a great influence on the relationship. It is hard to deny that physical attraction and contact is necessary in any healthy relationship. It's just a fact.

I think it takes a certain type of person to be successful in a long-distance relationship. They need to be someone who is committed and can tolerate a lot of pain. LDRs inherently cause a lot of pain to both involved because they are away from each other. The pain comes from the lack of physical contact.. or even seeing the person. This is why I think it takes a lot of willpower to be in one. This rules out a lot of people. Even people who are committed are less willing to commit in a LDR, which honestly seem like something very intangible or invisible sometimes. It's like something you can see, but you cannot touch. Emotional connection/attraction is not only necessary to maintain a LDR, but are also compelling. Since there is no physical contact, there is no other way to bond EXCEPT by sharing and connecting through words and experiences. This is the irony of the LDR, and what people say is the bane (or the beauty) of them.

I definitely think they can work, but they really are hard. That's why you don't see them succeeding often. Even people who are committed at first just lose hope, or they cannot bear the pain.. so they cut the relationship off. There ARE success stories, though. And sometimes, I'd like to think that these success stories are some of the happiest. This is because the emotional connection is necessary to keep a relationship afloat for such a long time (in my opinion).

Lastly, people change. With that change you may find yourself seeing a completely different person when you meet in person than when you first talked online or on the phone. I think people in LDRs need to keep in mind that once you two do meet (if it gets to that point), it's almost like starting the relationship fresh. LDRs and local relationships have some similarities but many fundamental differences. I think this is the main reason why longer LDR relationships (in terms of time) fail.

[Fluffy]

a long distance realtionship can work. but it's very-very difficult. i've been in one for about 1 year.
i think even long distance relationships have their own charm. you learn how to value precious moments with your loved one, and to spend time quarreling. long distance is like a test for your love, you see if it lasts.
moreover, you find out new things about yourself, too.
but it depends on partners what they really want, on their values. it is also a matter of loyality
i think everyone has his own secrets, being in a LDR, about how to manage it

[vashti]

What do you think is teh better option, having little time for each other in the same city, or having little time for each other in different towns?

Obviously, people who are involved with someone will be motivated to try to work it out. Some will succeed, most will fail.

Advanced education IS very difficult on relationships, and it is not at all unusual for relationships to fall apart during this time period, although it DOES work for some.

Regardless, I certainly don't think one should consider NOT going to school for the sake of a relationship. If you are willing to do that, you probably were not a very good candidate for this type of career, anyway. The stress of school is often good preparation for what your life will be like AFTER school with high-stress occupations.