THERE ARE A FEW QUESTIONS I HAVE REGARDING MY SITUATION... PLEASE HELP OUT WITH ANY PARTS THAT YOU CAN AND IF SOMETHING IS UNCLEAR or YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO EXPLAIN MORE OF PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK
I am here because I realize that I have no one in my life to really talk to about this.
************************* MY STORY **********************************************
I am a 25 yo man and I met the 1st woman I ever loved last year IN SEPT 2010.
When we first met we were inseparable. I was living alone and she was splitting a room with her sister.
After just a couple weeks of seeing each other she began to basically live with me. She would come over everyday Which I loved, we met in Sept 10" and the next month we saw each other everyday becasue she would come over to my place. without saying she had already moved in, but by FEB 11" it was pretty much official, she had most all her stuff in my place.
I told her that i wanted to talk about our living situation becasue I wanted us to have our own space for a little while. I wanted us to last, which is why I suggested this. Plus she was already looking for a place so i told her she could stay with me for as long as it needed. I love this woman. I would do anything for her. This is the first woman I ever said "I LOVE YOU" too 1st. I have never felt like saying that to a woman but I knew she was different.
The problem begain with me not being happy with the fact that she never wanted to talk about the future and everytime I asked about what her moving plans were she wouldn't want to talk about it, or she would say "im still looking"
THIS NEXT PART IS WHERE I BECOME THE A-HOLE Around June of this year I began responding to old emails to girls that i knew in the past. These emails ultimatley led to me having one night stands. I had one in JUNE, one in JULY one in AUG and one time OCT. When i first began doing this I wanted to get help (I knew i needed to see a therpist) , becasue i have never cheated on any woman in my life. I didnt like myself for it and it hurt me so much just to think about what My Woman would feel like if she found out.
NOW MIND YOU, I DO NOT CHEAT I HAVE BEEN OUT IN THE WORLD AND HAVE SEEN WOMAN AND HAVE HAD THE OPPURTUNITY TO CHEAT BUT NEVER DID. THE PART THAT I KNOW IS WRONG WITH ME IS HOW COME IN REAL LIFE I WOULD NEVER EVEN TALK TO ANOTHER WOMAN BUT WHEN IT COMES TO EMAILING I FELT LIKE THAT WAS LESS WRONG? I dont know why I did what I did. My women was better than anything I have ever had in my life.
--- ???? ---- HERE IS THE PART WHICH I NEED HELP UNDERSTANDING --- ??? ---
Come to find out my girlfriend knew about the emails the enitre time. BUT she never said anything to me.. EVER she knew back in June when it started. Every single day we see each other and everyday we tell each other how much we love one another.. but she never mentioned the emails to me ever.
ON OCT 18th I leave for work and my girl tells me how good i look and right before I leave for work she tells me " I love you baby" Then I come home and find a note on my table and all her stuff is gone. The note says" I know you have ben cheating on my for the past 5 months, i tried to not let it bother me but i have reached my limit, dont call me or text me ever"
Its about about 1.5 months since then. She refuses to talk about anything. we went from saying I love you everyday and being super close to her not even wanting to talk or see me. This is a complete switch which i dont understand. HOW COULD A WOMEN KNOW THAT HER MAN IS COMMUNICATED WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT EVER MENTION IT TO HIM?? I wanted to get help and to see a therapist the entire time! I knew something was not right with the way I was thinking. Since then I have been seeing a therapist, I am on my 6th session.
She still has access to my email account. And so what i have done every day since then is write her letters using my email account and then i send them to myself (to the same email account) so this gives her the option of loggin on and seeing the letters if she wants too.
All I ever do in the letters is say what an a-hole I was and that all i want to do is have a talk with her face to face.
--- ???? ---- HERE IS ANOHTER PART WHICH I NEED HELP UNDERSTANDING --- ??? ---
She has emailed me only 2 times in the past 1.5 months THE 1st email I got back was a short paragraph saying how sorry she was the way she left and that she wants to meet FACE TO FACE but she dosen't know when she will be ready. BUT THEN 1 WEEK LATER I get another email form her at 1am saying how she gave me 5 months to confess, and she never wants to see /talk to me ever again. HOW COME I GOT THESE 1 CONFLICTING EMAILS FROM HER?
This is so confusing. EVEN TO THIS DAY SHE REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING WITH ME!! I DONT GET IT HOW COULD SOMEONE GO MONTHS WITH OUT SAYING SOMETHING TO THE PERSON THEY CARED ABOUT???!?!?
WHY IS SHE AVOIDING EVEN TALKING TO ME ??? I NEED SOME ADVICE. I know I was wrong btu I dont even get a chance to give her the apology she deserves. I hate emailing, all i ask her ever tell her is that I am open and I would like to talk when she is ready.
I STILL LOVE HER, EVEN RIGHT NOW. I KNOW I HURT HER. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TALK TO HER AND HEAR HER TELL ME. I DONT FEEL LIKE THERE IS ANY CLOSURE WHAT SO EVER . WHY DOES SHE NOT EVEN WANT TO SPEAK TO ME???
I know I wrote alot but for all of you who have read this far, please feel free to share your comments or advice with me. All progressive criticism is welcomed