My fetish is hurting us! Help!

[Saga]

Well, I feel a little weird talking about this because most fetish issues seem to relate to men, not women, and actually you might even think this sounds like role-reversal. I've thought of it like that sometimes, but anyway, here it is.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and things have been good overall, but relatively shaky too, especially lately. But he really is a good guy and cares about me a lot. However, this is both of our first real relationship (over 2 months) so we may be a little clueless about some things. I'm not sure if I should use the term "fetish" because we are not having sex yet. In fact we're both virgins. But we do other sexual stuff. And the things I like REALLY turn me on so I'm pretty sure they're fetishes. Well, basically I have a foot fetish and like when he grows his nails out (not nasty feminine long, just maybe a little past the tips). Well, he used to do this earlier in the relationship, but recently he has said he despised doing it and using it when we do our stuff. He wants to "just be himself." He says he feels like I don't love him for who he is and I do- I tell him I love him all the time, and that I love ALL of him, and he tells me. He doesn't understand why I am wired the way I am and why I can't just think about normal sexual things. He says he refuses to grow his nails anymore and regrets ever having done it and doesn't want me touching his nails or feet. I'm really trying to be better about things. I'm kind of touchy feely anyway, always giving him massages, hugs, kisses- it's not like I JUST focus on those areas. But I will admit, maybe I have a little too much in the past. But like I said, I really am trying to be better. I don't understand- he likes that I am open minded- willing to try just about anything in the bedroom, especially when we get to the point of sex, but he can't seem to get over this one thing that has been a part of me my whole life. He even wants me to get counseling for it. I don't really want to, but I'm considering going for him, and I guess for me too, but because I love him I might go.

I don't want him to see this as something that is "wrong with me." I don't necessarily think it is wrong. Out of proportion it can be bad, but I don't think I'm crazy or anything. I just want him to accept me. His point of view is that he's willing to do anything else for me and why can't I just give up on the fetishes. Mine is I appreciate everything he does for me, I really do, but I can't just give this up. It's almost like asking me to become a lesbian- I just couldn't. So, I'd just like some opinions, and I'd like to hear some from the male perspective a lot. Am I wrong? Is he wrong? Please help!

[sookie6]

I can see your point and I can see his point so it's difficult to give a straight answer to this.

It's very valid to have a fetish or other bed preferences. It's great to share them freely with your partner. But there is a borderline though and it's to respect your partner when really he is not into the same stuff or even they think it's too strange for their liking.

He probably never grew his nails that way before, so you can understand how this could be interpreted as freakish...people with long nails are usually people who don't take care of their body...plus the fact long nails are a bed for microbes...

Also the fact that it's not something that you enjoy from time to time but more a condition to your feeling happy in bed with him at least the way you put it in your post...I can see why he backed off..

You know not long ago I was in bed for the first time with a gentleman and right after sex he asks 'do you like it on all fours?' and then he also said 'he liked women with hair-less sex'....well to me that was it...I just felt he didn't like me the way I was and to be honest Iam not keen on all fours and although I like to trim my 'down there' ...being hairless is just not me...

I want somebody who likes me the way I am. I understand that we need to please our partner but the fact that same gentleman mentioned these two details right after our first time reduced our first time to this....

You have not had sex completely with your bfriend...in clear you haven't shared 100 % intimacy and aleady you are focusing on that little unimportant detail...there are so many other ways your partner can please you why ruin it with this?

Think to yourself carefully and decide if you fancy your partner the way he is. Then if it's the case just leave the issue alone.

[vashti]

A fetish is something that is REQUIRED for sexual gratification. Does that describe you?

I don't blame your BF. Overgrown nails are a hygiene issue for me. You have to learn to respect other people's preferences, too. They are HIS feet, after all. You wouldn't want him demanding you cut your hair a particular way, would you?

[dewilliams2]

To begin with like everyone else said it is a two way street when it comes to fetishes and the bedroom in general....I won't say one of you is right or wrong...honestly I'm easy going enough that I'd just grow my damn finger nails...its not like your asking him to do anything to weird...but anyways...the problem I had was him telling you that you need counseling....there is nothing wrong with you. That is just the way you are, at some point in time something has happened where long nails and feet became erotic to you...not my bag but whatever works for ya...I'm not here to judge...but thats my point nobody is and there is nothing wrong with you.

[Saga]

OK, thank you all for your opinions. I've told him I want him to be comfortable, do whatever he'd like with his nails, and the last thing I wanted was for my fetishes to hurt him or us. He's really resentful and angry. I think part of the problem was that he went along with everything until it pretty much made him explode one day. He had joked about not liking it earlier, and gave subtle hints, but I had no idea it was this bad until a couple of months ago. I probably should have picked up more on the passive aggressiveness, but I was stupid and didn't. He says he wouldn't even want to have sex right now anyway because of how he's feeling. He says saying "I love you" isn't enough, even though last year he told me I wasn't saying "I love you" enough. That's why I think I'll do the counseling. I don't know what else to do.

On a side note note, this is a long distance relationship. We live 7 hours apart because I am in school. That makes things difficult too. But a couple weeks ago he was in a car accident and I drove to see him at 1 am, getting there around 8 something. He didn't even go to the hospital, but he was so shaken that I wanted to be with him. I know I love him, even just for that rash decision. I really want us to be able to move past this, and he does too.

[girl68]

That is the thing about fetishes. You either find someone who is into the same one or you put yours aside and have a relationship without it.

[Coco]

Yep. He thinks it's disgusting but you don't need therapy. LOL! He's being a drama queen.

[Saga]

Ha, yeah, we talked about it and I told him I'm not going to counseling =P I think we're ok now. I'll see how the next few weeks go. Thanks everyone though!

[bloodtippedrose]

My boyfriend has a foot/sock fetish and I do things that i never cared about before (paint my nails all the time, wear ankle socks, wear socks with heels, make me feet smell on purpose etc..)
I do these because I love him and I know it turns him on/ makes him happy
likewise he chokes me and ties me up -_-
its a happy relationship
it took me a few boyfriends and him a few girlfriends to find someone we were massively compatible with.

There is nothing wrong with you for liking feet Saga, and he is making you feel like youre a freak and he doesnt want to conform to your freaky ways. I used to think it was weird but dont knock it until you try it
I think you guys need to gain sexual experience, with each other or others, because you will understand your fetish more and he will become more open to ideas
As of right now you are both inexperienced and not compatible
It might seem like you're not going to find better but there is better out there
Enjoy when you lose your virginity, and dont suppress who you really are for someone else

[Saga]

Thanks rose. Yeah, we are both inexperienced since this is our first long-term relationship. I don't think my fetishes are wrong. They are kind of weird- I'll admit that, lol. He knew I was weird at the beginning though =P But not only does he not want to do them- it's like he doesn't want me to think about them either. I think I can live with him not doing them, although I'm hoping in the future he'll trust me enough to do them again sometimes =/ But I can't just never think about them again...

One of the big things he is worried about is that if/when we do have sex, I will need the fetishes or will be thinking about them and not him, and it won't be romantic. I always tell him that's not true but he doesn't believe me. *sigh*

As far as compatibility, we are very different, but we do have some similar interests. Hopefully everything will work out!