I feel really heartbroken. I need advice.

[fsm135]

Here's my story. I am a junior in College: 21 years old. male

At the beginning of the semester, I met a freshman girl. We connected almost immediately. We dated for roughly six months. I was generally very happy and comforted by the relationship. We enjoyed spending time with each other. We only had one major argument (about 2 months in), but we moved on completely. After the relationship got very sexual, we became very attached to each other. However, in the last 2 months of the relationship I started feeling slightly ambivalent. I usually enjoyed the time we spent, but I occasionally felt suffocated. At times I just needed my freedom and she seemed to become clingy. The passion I felt dwindled and at times I even considered breaking up with her. It just seemed that the spark had died. Around the six month mark, she confessed to me that she was very unhappy with who she was. She said that she was insecure to the point of self-loathing.

We came to the mutual agreement that our relationship couldn't function if she didn't love herself. We broke it off. At the time, I couldn't have been happier. I felt relieved to have my freedom back. We still saw each other frequently. After about two weeks, my feelings for her came surging back. I can describe it in no other way than the butterfly feeling. The one you get when your thirteen and that girl you had a crush on walks home with you. It felt odd to get that feeling, as I hadn't felt it in about seven years. I didn't even feel it that strongly when we first met. After that I couldn't stop thinking about her. Every night I had a sex dream about her, and I thought about her constantly. I had to find out if she still had feelings for me. After talking with her, she professed that she didn't only want to break up with me because of her self-loathing, but also because she felt that our spark died. I told her that the spark I had came back after we broke up, but she still didn't feel anything.

At that point, I felt completely devastated. When we first broke up, I got in my mind that we may eventually get back together when she became more emotionally stable: I think that's part of why the initial break up didn't phase me at all. I don't think I have ever felt that lovesick since my 8th grade girlfriend told me that I was her second choice. However, we still continued to talk and even see each other. Until recently I thought I was getting over her. Most of the time I felt fine. But now there is this new guy who seems to have taken a liking to her. When our group of friends goes swing dancing, she spends a decent amount of time around this guy. I also see them texting each other all the time. They seem to see each other a lot as well. At first that was fine, but now I get these crippling bouts of depression whenever I think about them getting together. I am certain that this guy is interested in my ex, but I honestly don't know if she is interested in him.

This is weird for me. I am generally not a very emotional guy. This was even true in our relationship. I have had girlfriends before, and whenever we broke up it was generally tolerable. I am usually a very stoic guy, but when I think about my ex being with someone else, I just feel like crying forever. I think this could be for a few reasons. In many ways, this is my first love. I also go to a tech school, so there aren't very many girls around. I know there are other reasons why I feel so bad, but I don't know what they are. I don't expect anything to happen again, even though I want her so badly.

I have also never felt so petty. The only thing that comforts me is the thought of getting with another girl: not a relationship, just something sexual. I met this exchange student the other day who was flirting with me, and that's the happiest I have felt in the past few weeks. I also feel very jealous when I think about my ex being with other guys. I feel very bad about all of this; I'm generally not so selfish.

I need help from any girl or guy who understands my situation. What did you do to get over your pain? Is there something I should try to feel better? I am reluctant, but willing to move on. I just want to stop hurting. Any advice or sympathy or understanding would be greatly appreciated.

[smackie9]

Personally I feel you are not missing her because of love, but it's the comfort and familiarity of the relationship that you miss. What is dangerous about it is that it over shadows the reason why you broke up in the first place. Now you feel you made a mistake. Dude you broke up for a reason and you shouldn't forget why and how you felt. It was the right choice. You are young and have a whole lot of life ahead of you. Time heals all wounds. Keep busy, go out with friends, get into a few good video games, go to some parties and meet other girls and focus on YOU, and not what she is doing. This feeling of loss will dissipate....the trick is that you have to let it go. Here's the deal....you will have relationships that will come and go. You meet someone, break up and so on. This is how we grow and learn. This is what they call experience, and you are too young to get pinned down in a committed relationship anyways. You will be feeling fine in no time

[goodLove213]

I feel you have fallen in love with your ex again after realising breaking up was probably not the solution...And I feel your ex was probably trying to test you to see if you would court her back..A bit of jealousy in relationships would not kill; it shows you are afraid of losing her...There's no harm in trying to reignite the sparks even if they have died and if you love her, confess your feelings to her..Romance her instead of getting all jealous about she and the other guy...Both of you probably just needed personal space for personal reasons when you broke off, but that doesn't mean love will not blossom again..Look into her eyes when you talk to her, and if you feel like crying your heart out and letting her know how you feel each day without her by your side, do it by all means..If she loves you, she would come back to you...Cheer up buddy and wishing you the best of luck in your love life!!

[bubabalo]

How long ago was this break up?
When did you talk to her about getting back together?

[imagineallthe]

stop worrying=) jeaulosy sucks and hurts and tears one apart but you gotta let her go. Love is love, it's loving someone to the point of not caring who she's with - only that she is happy and living her life the way she wants. You shared something beautiful but it's over. That IS life, life is hell at times but you haven't seen your future, you haven't met that genuine, amazing girl you'll maybe meet next year, or next weekend. We meet people in our lifes all the time and some people trigger feelings in us, if you hadn't lived where you lived you would meet someone who'd maybe give you the exact same feelings, only in another country or town or state... Realise you were to learn something here, and the experience you just had will make you stronger (it's true!) and more humble towards the next love of your life. If she doesn't want you, you just cannot force anything to happen and that's it. Maybe she'll marry that new guy and they'll get divorced or hate each other in the end, I mean no one knows what will happen! Don't worry, don't be sad! Perhaps she actually started to love herself and respect herself, and then the tables were turned and you're nuts about her now, but you need to respect yourself too. If you're in love with her, just be happy and enjoy the feeling. If you NEED her, let her go. That exchange girl made you really happy, so I think you just long for closeness and attention (not in a bad way, but in a completely normal way) yet needing is not really what true love's about.

[smackie9]

It's funny how you always advice ppl not to return to their ex :-), like all of your exes are trash, remember that every individual have flaws. So, look at yourself, are you that great to say about wonderful partners? Someone can be trash to you but a queen to someone better than you even :-). It's funny how j see some husband left their wives and later on the wives will find a younger, better looking and super rich =)).

Now, I don't see anything wrong with returning to your ex, you miss her mean you made a mistake, consider it yourself and decide it yourself. I had made a mistake by left my ex 8 years ago and actually I was regret that decision, there were " what if" around my mind coz he didn't want to return, live your life n decide it instead of getting to forums n make strangers decide for you.

He didn't fall out of love or desired someone else or was in a toxic relationship....he felt smothered. It was a personality conflict due to incompatibility. You need compatibility to keep a relationship for the long haul or the relationship is doomed. So it wouldn't have been fixable. He's young, he has plenty of time to find a more compatible partner. He will understand it better when he finally does meet "the one". and will be happy that he did break up with his ex.

We have decided nothing for him. If you read the end of his post, he has asked how he can move on and get over the pain of the break up.

[Ric]

It's funny how you always advice ppl not to return to their ex :-), like all of your exes are trash, remember that every individual have flaws. So, look at yourself, are you that great to say about wonderful partners? Someone can be trash to you but a queen to someone better than you even :-). It's funny how j see some husband left their wives and later on the wives will find a younger, better looking and super rich =)).

Now, I don't see anything wrong with returning to your ex, you miss her mean you made a mistake, consider it yourself and decide it yourself. I had made a mistake by left my ex 8 years ago and actually I was regret that decision, there were " what if" around my mind coz he didn't want to return, live your life n decide it instead of getting to forums n make strangers decide for you.

Well, it's rarely ever a good idea to return to your ex. So it's smart advice.
Doesn't mean your ex is trash, just that you've broken up for a reason and that reason has very likely not changed.

[fsm135]

here's the timeline
6 weeks ago: We officially broke up
4 weeks ago: my feelings for her came back
3 weeks ago: I professed my non-reciprocated feelings to her
1.5 weeks ago: I started seeing her with this new guy

Anyways, I think there may be a grain of truth to what all of you are saying. Smackie9, what you said seems to resonate with me the most.
You seem to understand the situation way too well considering that I didn't tell you any details. When you said
"Personally I feel you are not missing her because of love, but it's the comfort and familiarity of the relationship that you miss." it really struck me.
Later in the relationship, I would often find myself saying things like "I know this girl isn't perfect for me: we definitely aren't to most compatible. I
guess I'll just have fun and enjoy it while it lasts." And ****: You are all right! I have too much life ahead of me to be tied down or feel jealous. You
guys are also right that I shouldn't have to NEED a girl. I will have to learn to be content with the feelings I have.
goodLove213, you may be right. I know at any rate that a relationship isn't right for either of us right now anyways. And I do genuinely like this girl,
even if it's only in a friendly context.

It is definitely hurting me to see her right now. I think I am going to tell her that I need to stay away from her for a while because of how I feel
about her. I'll take it from there once I feel better.

[98db]

I am in the same boat as you. I don't think she is seeing another guy, but I definitely still have feelings for her and that realization that our relationship is over is still a difficult pill to swallow for me.

[smackie9]

The end of a relationship is like dealing with a death of a loved one. You have to grieve the loss, adjust to life without them, and fill the void with new activities, new friends or even meet someone new. It's just another cycle of life we all go through.