to start, both my ex and i are in our late 20's. we dated for about 3-4 months before making it official bf/gf thing. going on 6 months, everything seemed great even though there were some red flags about her that i ignored and/or chose to not make a big deal about it (i.e. very short temper, panic's easily when things are out of her control, etc)
into the 6th month, she found out she was pregnant. we had unprotected sex and had to face the facts. things started to go down hill from there as i didn't want to get married yet. on top of that, my parents had never met her and eventually didn't like her, which caused a lot of problems with different family members taking different sides.
i didn't want to get married yet and didn't even propose to her, she obviously felt hurt and rejected. she also felt very insecure even though i told her i would stay. a lot of arguments stemmed from the fact i never proposed to her or put a ring on her finger. i didn't think/feel our relationship had a strong enough foundation for marriage yet and i tried to tell her that marriage wouldn't solve any problems. i did tell her that i was willing to stay and work towards marriage. she would repeatedly tell me/warn me to propose before it's too late and not to do this to her and our child.
we stayed together until our child was a little over 1 year old and she decided to break up with me stating that she was so unhappy, causing her too much pain, made her wait long enough, and for ruining her life. we made arrangements for child support payments and when i could visit and have our child, etc.
it's been 6 months since we broke up and this whole process hurt me like hell as i still have strong feelings for my ex and never wanted to break up. during the 1st month, i did have that sense of freedom, hung out with a lot of friends and did a lot of things i normally couldn't because i was always at home taking care of our child together (not that i'm complaining). this novelty quickly wore off and the whole time i was missing my ex and the fact i couldn't see my child everyday. to make matters worse, my ex appeared in my dreams almost every night. even to this day, she shows up in my dreams at least once or twice a week.
i apologized to her to for the way things ended up and for causing her pain, etc. it was never my intention for any of this to happen, but i can't say i wasn't warned or didn't see this coming. she also apologized for being so angry, putting so much pressure on me and has some regrets with breaking up with me. we both stated we felt bad for our child having to grow up like this especially whenever our child is looking or calling for the missing parent that isn't around at the time. i had hopes of reconciling but i hurt her so much that she does not want to get back with me and that she hates me for ruining her life because i never proposed to her.
due to having a child together, we still maintain contact and have kept things civil between us. my ex has been nice to me, cooking dinner when i come over to visit our child during the week. sometimes we'll all go out together to the park or go have dinner at a restaurant. i try to help out as much as i can from watching our child so she can work late on some nights to helping her pay for bills and buying groceries and supplies.
i've been feeling so sorry, guilty and depressed. i'm trying to occupy my time with family and friends, studying for grad school and following my hobbies, but it seems to be only a temporary escape. i've been at that stage where i keep wondering if i did things differently, what would've happened. i really have no desire to go and date other people right now. i just really miss her, but the trust between us is broken (among other things). regardless of how desperate this sounds, i just want to run back to her, propose and tell her i want to be family and things will be OK.
is it even a good idea to propose to her? or is it insulting to my ex to propose after it took all these events to occur to get a proposal out of me? or should i just accept the fact i had my chance and move on...
i thought by now, i'd be OK, but i just can't get over it. i'm regretting the decisions i didn't make when i had the chance, but hindsight is 20/20 and i couldn't make a decision and kept questioning and second guessing myself. yes, i've got it real bad.