I love my BF but am not attracted; & now I must decide to either move in or break up

[terra]

I may just have the most genuine, kind-hearted, loyal, caring, loving boyfriend (of 2 years) there is. He seems to think about nothing but being with me and is his happiest when he is with me. He will go to the ends of the earth and move mountains to be with me. He will tend to my every care and need, cook me meals, stay by my side when I am an need or sick. He will share an unlimited amount of affection with me and wants nothing more than to share affection or sex with me - wants to make out and cuddle with me each and every night. He will also put up with my crap and forgive me for anything. He is my best friend and has shared many many many adventures, nights out, movies, trips, cuddles, etc. - nearly every weekend.

Problem? Every day I seem to get less and less attracted to him sexually. Well, actually, I wasn't very sexually attracted to him in the first place. There were never "sparks" or "fireworks" and there was never a "honeymoon phase". I always felt like I was settling. My relationship seems to me more like a friendship that went too far rather than something that was fairly based in sexual comparison to other men. Lately it's been getting worse than ever. He only looks attractive to me at certain angles in certain lighting and certain times... Looking at his body or his face from certain other angles repulses me. His touch and his kiss feels like nothing; it feels cold like all the energy is gone. Instead of being happy when he wants to kiss me, I always have to think of how I'm going to avoid it and get out it because it repulses me. In order to want to kiss him I have to nearly get drunk and then I still have to think about it. And sex? - forget it. It isn't even possible - it hurts...

I lust for other men, all the time... It seems like 30% of the guys I see, my age, are more attractive than him in the face and 50% have a better body. I remember times when I used to have sex with guys who I was truly attracted to, and how amazing it was sharing sex and affection with them, and the feelings of utter ecstasy that it provoked. I long for the times when looking at a guy's face used to make my heart flutter, touching him felt like electricity, gazing in his eyes made me feel at home, kissing him put me into pure heaven, and sex was something I WANTED BADLY rather than an olympic challenge. Then I think about how I DONT feel ANY of these feelings with my current boyfriend, except maybe an occasional rare short moment when I'm drunk... It feels like I am starving myself and depriving myself of some important human need and like I am never going to be truly satisfied or truly 'in-love' and like if I stay in this relationship, I am always going to feel feelings of regret, doubt, and dissatisfaction.

I have been able to deal with these feelings week by week, as they have always been outweighed by the desire to go see my friend and have fun, as well as not hurt him. However, lately I am in a new kind of predicament. Recently, due to reasons involving work and school, geography has driven us hundreds of miles apart. He is, of course, willing to immediately move to where I am and come live an apartment/house with me. That is the only way for us to be together now. So, essentially, I am now faced with a decision to either move in with or break up with my boyfriend. He is very anxious to do this and has already given me many ultimatums involving it but never executes them of course because he loves me so much.

MOVE IN? With this guy who I'm not really attracted to? This decision definitely has a lot more weight than deciding whether to go out with him for another weekend. This is a serious committment, almost like marriage. I cant make this decision. For months and months I have struggled with it, and all it has done is cause me stress, illnesses, and hair loss. I keep forming a case in my head to break up with him, and am almost sure about it, but then he tells me he loves me or does something really sweet and all of my resolve fades away. I just cant bring myself to break up with my best friend who loves me. But I also cant make a committment to have someone move their whole life hundreds of miles and move in with me when I'm not even really attracted to them. I dont want to hurt him now by telling him im not attracted or breaking up with him... but I ESPECIALLY dont want to hurt him by having him move here and THEN eventually ending up breaking up with him anyway, leaving him high and dry to have to go back home and restart his life.

It's a true pickle. But it has to come to an end, and soon. Every week I get issued another ultimatum. However, more importantly, we both need to decide what we are going to do with our lives and our careers and where we are going to live. In addition, every day that this goes on is another day that we are both lonely, another day that he is in an unfair suspenseful situation that he cannot control, and another day that my hair is falling out over this stressful indecision. I feel like a robot in one of those movies, struggling with a decision between Prime Directive 1 and Prime Directive 2, and all that is happening is the system is going haywire and my circuits are being fried. I have found the kind of love that many people would die for. Yet, I am also the victim of my human body and it's powerful feelings of needing to find a mate who is worthy of reproduction into the gene pool.

I need help...

1) What do you think I should do? Is there any way to rekindle the attraction towards him? Well its kind of hard to "RE-kindle" something that didn't exist in the first place... Should I just forget sexual attraction alltogether and live with him anyway? Should I just forget about and sacrifice the priveledge of being able to feel human ecstasy? Or should I break up? Does he deserve someone who is more into him, isn't repulsed by him, and gives him all the sax/affection that he wants? Do I deserve someone who I can feel truly in love with?

2) If I do break up, how do I deliver the news? What do I tell him? How do I make it hurt the least? Do I tell him that I'm not attracted or make up something else? How do I make it hurt ME the least? Can we remain friends? Is it possible to reinstate the relationship in the future?

[shammi]

why not ask him to work on the things he is missing first??? like get in to shape etc and try asking him about sparking the sex life... why break some one's heart with out even trying to do the right thing first? i think the problem is not with him, its with you, you are the wrong type of a women for a caring/loving guy. sorry to be blunt

[terra]

I didn't break his heart first. I have done nothing yet, that's why I'm here. But I don't think I can really talk about this with him. First of all I have never spoken of this before so revealing it to him will be like admitting that I have been lying for two years. Second, I think telling him that, in itself, would break his heart. Third, I'm not sure what there is to improve by talking - he already works out like 5 times per week and I dont think any amount of working out is going to make his face look better to me or make his touch feel better to me.

Oh and by the way I'm a gay man.

[just-me]

It's a tough situation. How did you guys ever get hooked up if you were not attracted to him? I mean, I started out with my ex as a friend, then we had very strong sexual attraction which lead to our relationship.
Reading your post made me feel like "that's how my ex gf felt before we broke up"! I gained some weight and she hated that. I wasn't willing to work out. But I think it was just a part of the problem.
Think about it, maybe when you look at this face it's not his face that deters you, maybe it's some other feeling that you have and you're not even aware of it? My ex blamed me for certain things that I had no control over and that made me less desirable to her. B**ching about my weight and money issues (which never existed actually) were more a reflection of her inner thoughts.
You can't change his face, but try to re-evaluate your feelings and figure out if that's what's really bothering you. If there is nothing you can do about your feelings, maybe you should consult a professional. It's a serious issue and it's worth fixing if possible. If not better leave him now than later. And no matter what you do you will hurt him. I feel respect for my ex because she was honest and told me her feelings have changed. It hurts, I still love her, but I can't expect her to stay with me out of pity. Then again, I'm very logical and reasonable person. I'm not sure how will your bf react, you'll have to find out yourself.
As for the friends part, it will be hard. He will still love you and hope to get you back even if you make it clear. I know that I do. I was very attached to my ex and I know if she asked me to come back I would do it in a heartbeat!
Idk man, I'm thinking from a perspective of a dumped man but I understand how you feel. I wonder if my ex feels the same way as you do.
Ultimately its your decision. Don't make it worse for him. I feel rally bad that my ex still worked on our future even though she knew it's not gonna work out. We even started business together few months before break up. We talked about buying our own place. Please don't give him false hope if you're not ready to deliver. If there is no other way, let him go, he'll get over it. It will take time, but eventually he will move on.
Just to make it clear, I'm not saying you should leave him. By all means try to fix it first. What made me feel the worst was the fact that my ex didn't even try to fix it. She just gave up and I thought we had something special.
I wish I could help more but the truth is you need two for love. I'm straight but I believe the same rules apply to gays too.
Also, please don't find a rebound right away or at least don't let him know about it. My ex slept with another guy the very same day we broke up and that made me suffer even more.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[terra]

Thanks for the responses. I'm still stumped. Keep in mind this is not merely a decision of whether to break up but also whether to MOVE IN with my bf. I keep hearing from many sources advising me that moving in is very serious business like marriage and is not something you should do unless you're 100% certain about it and completely in love with your partner. Well I'm not 100% certain about moving in. In fact I'm not even 50% sure and don't even really want to do it - the only reason I'd do it is not to have to break up...

Yet I dread beraking up so much that I'd consider it anyway. I've invested two years into this relationship and bonded with this person so much on so many levels that only seems to make sense that breaking up would be devestating. I remember breaking up with other guys that I dated for a mere two months (albeit they were attractive), and it took me 1-2 weeks to get over the pain. Does that mean the pain from my relationship of two YEARS will last twelves times as long... 3-6 months? I dread what it'll feel like if I break up and then regret it later, and my feelings change and I feel like they were all superficial. I dread what it'll be like if I decide I want him back but he wont take me back or is with someone else...

Some food there for both sides of my decision, making it even harder...