Confused about my relationship

[sad girl]

Hi All,

I have been in a relationship for four years. I am supposed to get married in August however I am now really confused about my relationship. I am not sure if I still love my partner or I am just afraid from marriage and started to have what if questions. I do not have the same feelings as before and I started to have doubts that he might not be the right person for me. What if I find the right person after I get married. I am totally confused, I cannot leave him because I feel guilty and I like his friendship and him being around at the same time I don't feel comfortable getting married. Any help ???

Thanks

[Boisdevie]

I am totally confused, I cannot leave him because I feel guilty and I like his friendship and him being around at the same time I don't feel comfortable getting married. Any help ???

I don't see what help we can give. Liking friendship is not enough reason to get married and however much is may hurt him, get married and it will be a disaster.

[Mattiemae]

First off your emotions and feelings are always a warning sign to tell you something is right. I would just recommend telling your partner you are confused about your feelings. Take some time to yourself to figure out why you are confused and work through the fears and negative thoughts you have. Be honest and open with him. If he loves you he will wait for you to figure out why you have reservations.

Second off, your foundation should be on friendship and companionship. Think about how he has been there for you emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. Will he always be there for you through thick and thin. Has he already been. Understand too, but walking away from this, it may betray his trust, give him doubts you're the right one, and hurt him deeply.

Guilt and shame is never a reason to base your life on or any relationship. If you know inside this person is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with than yes, back away. But understand there is no chance to go back if you harm someone even if it is unintentionally in some cases.

It is a life long journey to be married to someone. It is not a decision you take lightly. The things you should be concerned about is whether there is alcohol, or substance abuse, gambling, pornongraphy addiction etc, etc. What kind of family does he come from and are they healthy individuals or not. How do they function? How does he spend his money? Is he responsible with his finances, keeping a job, does he treat you right emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.

If he's a man that respects you and honors you and treats you well, it would be a mistake to let that go, and it may take along time to find another man that treats you well in this world.

Write down all the reasons why you feel uncomfortable forgetting married. Is it just fear. If it is you will write I am afraid of?

Start your sentences with I see this in him positive or negative. I feel this way about him? Positive or negative. I hear him saying these things positive or negative?

Your thoughts become clearer when you write them out, and you can evaluate what it is you fear, feel, and see in your relationship. Sometimes we are just scared, and don't feel we deserve to be loved, or we believe they deserve something better. The question is what do you believe? You are worthy of love and respect. You deserve to be happy.

Journaling helps alot and the better you know yourself, the better you will know him. There is no wrong or right answer. Love will always find you and give you another chance, but we often base life choices on how we feel in the moment and our emotions and feelings do raise havoc at certain times of the month and influence us.

Give yourself time to think this through, and make the right choice. Don't be careless and impulsive. Also is what is confusing you coming from friends or family. Their beliefs and thoughts about him? These are not your thoughts or beliefs but theirs. They belong to them. Seperate you're own thoughts and beliefs from theirs.

[michelle23]

What do you mean when you say you dont have the same feelings as before? Look up the difference between infatuation and love. Most people have doubts at some point in a relationship. It doesnt neccessarily mean that your not right for each other. This could just be a case of thinking the grass is greener or it could be that he is not making you happy or fulfilling your needs.

Do you trust him, love him, also see him as your best friend? Do you have a good sex life? Is he reliable? Stable? Would he make a good dad? Can you lean on him when your going through a tough time? Do you have fun together? Laugh together? Do you have things in common? Does he work?

You need to decide what is important to you and how many of those boxes he ticks. If your just looking for more excitement (infatuation and lust) then you wont be able to maintain those butterflies with anyone. Infatuation always fades and thats when the emotional bond starts to form

[sad girl]

Thank your for your advise.

He treats me very well and we have a lot in common and understand each other really well. The only thing I am concerned about is Love and attraction. What makes me less attracted to him is his background. He comes from a bit different background that I think might affect our relationship in the future. Otherwise all is going well.
I wrote all the negative and positive points, the positive are more than the negative. But I still fear that I might be happier with someone else. I don't really know that because I still did not find that person and I am not sure if he exists in this world and will I ever find that person. I am afraid to loose my great loving boyfriend to some thoughts of mine that are not real or are not there in the first place

Thanks

[Mattiemae]

Well this is the thing our thoughts can trick us sometimes, and we may believe one thing in the moment, but find out in another our thoughts and beliefs have changed. My feeling is you are with the right guy, but their is no guarantee or proof to show you to ease your doubts and worries. Accept the differences, and know that differences don't seperate us, we do the seperation by laying down expecations, supposed too's, ought too's, and limit ourselves on certain beliefs and structures. Really you have to go by what resonates with in your heart. Fortunately we can be our own road block and sabotage our selves. I would just let your thoughts go, and allow things to happen naturally. Think postive about your life and love, and you can have a very good life together. It's our negative thoughts and negative belief systems that steal our dreams away from us.

[michelle23]

What background differences do you have? Do you have the same long term goals? Here is a few links for you to look through to help you decide.

The 9 stages of love: http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/romantic-love/relationship-stages
Signs of a healthy relationship: http://www.health24.com/Sex/Relationships/14-signs-of-a-healthy-relationship-20131015
Thinking the grass is greener: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-grass-is-never-greener-and-how-to-be-happy-today/
Relationships take work: http://psychcentral.com/lib/8-surprising-myths-about-relationships/0008456

remember a good man is hard to find. I wouldn't toss mine away for anything. Sure it gets a bit boring at times, what relationship doesn't? but finding something stable, solid, trustworthy and reliable is not easy. In a world full of chaos, I am happy in my safe haven at home with him