I have been EXTREMELY frustrated over the last few years and I am just now thinking I've figured out my problem. Would really like to get some female input. I realize without meeting me in person, it will be nearly impossible. But I will post here and hope for help.
The background: My ex-wife divorced me 4.5 years ago. At the time, I was for a fact a bad husband. I didn't take care of myself. I was pale skinned, over weight, my teeth were stained yellow from coffee. I had gum disease issues. I think I was up to a size 40 in pants at the waist. I'd go months between hair cuts. My toe nails were curled around the front of my toes. Nasty, white callouses all over my heals and toes. I didn't spend money on stylish clothes. I wore my shirts tucked in and usually wore work boots around all the time. My self confidence was lower than low. I avoided social scenes like the plague. I was very shy. I talked with a nasal, beta-male voice tone. My income was horrible, as I was starting a business. I made $10,000 three years prior to our divorce and $20,000 the next. The year of our divorce, I plowed all the cash flow back into the business, so my income amounted to $0. I was addicted to porn. I ignored my wife. Towards the end, we would only have sex once or twice a year. I don't think we had sex the last year of the marriage. My idea of sex was no foreplay, just stick it in and start thrusting, and maybe during halftime of the NFL game with the TV on so I wouldn't miss any of the third quarter. (I just didn't know any better.)
The improvement: I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm a completely different person. My friends agree. My business has turned the corner in a huge way. My income is in the top 1%. I've worked very, very hard to make myself more attractive to women. I bought e-books on self improvement. I changed my voice (soar throats for weeks to do this btw) to a more deep, masculine tone. (Women tell me my voice is sexy all the time.) My clothes are very stylish now. I keep my skin tanned. I get a hair cut every 2-2.5 weeks. I shave every day. My teeth are white and I get them laser whitened once a year. I get pedicures twice a month. Luckily, I have a full head of hair with no gray. I've been hitting the gym for the last 4+ years, I have six pack abs. I'm very proud of my body now. Women tell me I'm handsome, hot, sexy...I get this all the time...and I have gotten this for the last few years. Women tell me I'm good in bed and I believe them based on the wetness of the sheets before penetration. In a nutshell, my value on the mating market has skyrocketed. There is just no doubt in my mind.
The Confidence: I think my self confidence is finally starting to catch up with my outward appearance. Finally. It has been a very, very slow process. Women say they are more attracted to a man's personality than any thing else and confidence is a huge component of that. I think my confidence is finally...or at least getting... to where I want it to be. There is a fine line between confidence and cocky. Cocky is a huge turn off for most women. The last girl who slept with me said she thought I was cocky and arrogant but because she got to know me, she knows I'm not. There is something about my body language that is communicating cocky and arrogant. Even though, on the inside, I'm still somewhat afraid of what others think...seeking others approval. Like I say, my self confidence is way better now, but I don't want to come off as cocky or arrogant. Truth be told, I am still a somewhat shy person.
The Problem: The only women I am dating are women who I'm not really attracted to. They are either over weight or just not that beautiful. One of the girls I was dating a year ago, told me that I should be dating a 10. I am sorry to say it ladies, but men are attracted to looks first and foremost. God just made us this way, I can't help it. I realize beauty is only skin deep, but I want a girlfriend that I'm physically attracted to. But to this day, this still eludes me. I have been trying like mad to figure out why the beautiful women always blow me off and the less attractive ones don't. The uglier women will go out on dates with me, they don't flake, they answer the phone when I call. They text me all the time. They invite me to things. They show massive interest. They manufacture reasons to spend time with me. The beautiful women are 100% polar opposite.
I am certain, it's not that I don't have enough attraction value to get a beautiful woman. I am 100% certain of that.
I was reading a men's forum the other day, and one of the dating coach guru's said something that has me really thinking. He said with women, you have to set the expectation for them from the beginning. In other words, communicate to them that I see you as a potential friend with benefits or I see you as a potential girlfriend. That way, she knows how to behave in a manner that is pleasing and attractive to the guy. The whole friend with benefits thing isn't something I'm really interested in, to be honest. I want a good girlfriend. But ultimately, that's what I've got...a bunch of less attractive friends with benefits.
My Theory: Since I read that on the forum, I have been giving myself and my situation a lot of thought. This is what I'm starting to theorize: A woman meets me. Likes me. Is attracted to me. We exchange numbers. Now, if she's got a fairly obvious beauty flaw, such as...50 pounds over weight with a double chin...she can easily look at me and look at her and see that we just don't match. She realizes there is no way she's gonna get me into a committed relationship. So she goes out with me but puts me in the "friends" category within her female brain. Somehow, she thinks this will protect her from getting hurt, and, hopefully, she doesn't end up getting hurt.
When the same thing happens to a much more beautiful woman, the kind of woman I'd ultimately like to be with, she doesn't know which category she's going in to. I haven't been communicating this up front, I really don't know how to. So she blows me off because she wants to avoid getting hurt.
Ultimately, I think the women are trying to figure out if I'm "catch-able". If there is too much doubt in her mind, she runs to protect herself. When there is an obvious beauty flaw, she realizes I am uncatch-able and somehow checks her emotions at the door and goes out with me anyway. She knows we're not gonna end up as boyfriend/girlfriend.
Evidence To Support My Theory: My ex-girlfriend, on and off, over the last two years, told me that when we first started dating, ALL of her friends told her not to go out with me. They told her she would just get hurt.
A few weeks ago, I met this girl at a bar that I was super attracted to. She ended up coming home with me that night (no sex). I wanted to see her again, but she totally blew me off. I remember her saying, after we got to my house, something along the lines of "There is no way I can fall for you."
Two of the women who really hurt me, who I pursued for months only to get blown off, both of them, at one time or another, had their female friends call to ask me "What are your intentions with _________". (I had no idea how to answer that question so I guess I screwed it up.)
Over and over this pattern repeats: If she's beautiful, and someone I'd really be interested in dating, she blows me off and breaks my heart. If she's not, she'll go out with me and show me tons of interest.
Does my theory make any sense?
Or should I continue to psycho-analyze myself to figure out if my confidence is still lacking such that I seem attractive to less beautiful women, because I don't care as much, but I am acting nervous and insecure around the more attractive women that I'd actually like to date? (Honestly, I think that used to be a problem but not so much any more.)
All input is appreciated.