Hello all,
What it boils down to is this - my wife has given me an ultimatum. Lose a significant amount of weight by 2011, or she's going to leave me.
When we got married 6.5 years ago, I was already a heavy guy. I'm 6'3 and when we got married I was about 250lb. And not a good 250lb, haha! So I was overweight, not very fit or active, but not huge. At the start of this year, I found myself almost at 340lb. Writing it down does make it sound bigger than it ever felt! I put on a whole person (although a small one). Anyway, for years we've had problems with sex, where she never wants to do it. For a time, this was because I was struggling to satisfy her I think, although she didn't really say this. About 6 months ago I got some viagra and this helped my problems, but then when we did go to have sex (about once a month), she'd always be rushing me to finish, telling me to get it over with etc. So I'm pretty confused, when it January she hit me with it. She doesn't fancy me any more, doesn't find me attractive. She still loves me she says, but feels no inclination to have sex with me. She gave me a deadline, that I had to lose a significant amount of weight by the end of the year or she would cut her losses. She sugar coated some of this stuff up a bit, but that's what it boils down to.
Since then, I've dropped over 40lb, which I'm very happy about, although it has been very hard work. I've not always been losing weight in the best ways, skipping 1 or 2 meals a day for periods, but I feel under a lot of pressure to do this for the woman I love. Still, when I was sharing a bed with her, I found myself still very tempted to have sex. She's a very attractive woman (of course I would say this, but you'll have to take my word for it that she'd score very very highly with just about all men). She would only satisfy me with her hands. It's been 18 months since any oral contact and we last had sex in January some time. This makes me feel bitter because she's rejected me, and it annoys her because I've pushed her to do something she didn't really want to do. We also tried having sex in March, but she was so disinterested (even though she had initiated it), unloving and blatantly going through the motions, that my little friend decided to pack up and go home, and for the life of us we couldn't wake him up again (this particular problem has never ever happened to me before).
A few weeks ago I decided to go and sleep in the 2nd bedroom, on my own. I know I can't resist her if I'm in bed with her, and I will inevitably try to initiate sex, which seems to currently only make things worse. I've explained my decision to her in detail, and I know she understands it, although she clearly doesn't agree. Every night before bed she tries to entice me back to her bed, throwing in all kinds of sweeteners. She tried "you can sleep in my bed one night and then go back to yours if you like" and she tried "just stay in my bed until you feel sleepy, then you can go to your bed" (I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep). Tonight she said "I promise we'll have sex again if you come and sleep in my bed" and I still declined, explaining my decision again. I ask why she wants me in her bed - is it just to keep her feet warm and make her feel safe. She said I was breaking an important bond of our relationship by sleeping in a different bed. I said that until she was ready for the relationship to continue in a normal fashion, including sex, she was the one breaking the bonds. I understand that she doesn't find me attractive now I've got fat, and I appreciate she's given me this chance to lose the weight first, but it's still her that's currently forcing the issue. I don't want to share a bed with a woman who doesn't find me attractive, nor do I want to be in a relationship with such a person. I feel this is the right course of action for me to take until things are right. Am I being unreasonable?
What are other peoples thoughts on these things so far? Should I already have walked away? Should she?
Thanks in advance for reading this. I joined this forum because after a bit of a search, this seemed the only one suited for adults, not teenagers pretending they're all getting laid every week.