Why is she telling me this?

[Mike]

It's been 5 days since she broke up with me. She lives in the apartment (with other roommates) next door, and we have similar friends. I've not initiated any contact, though she has, and I've spoken to her twice since, alone, in my room. The first time was just a chat, I was fine and she wasn't great but we didn't talk at all about us, just chatted like friends.

Now the second time is what's bothering me.

She came round yesterday, unhappy. She wants to know "how im feeling" or something. Again, I acted cool and calm. I told her that I had been feeling sad, hadn't wanted to break up but felt like I couldn't dwell on it. I said I felt awkward being around her now we're not together. She told me that she's been feeling crappy since we broke up. She says she's been in her room alone so much more than usual, that she's been wondering why she's bored, why her phone isn't vibrating. She tells me how she was 'used to' coming round to my place. She's sort of in tears at this point. She's still curious, but can't phrase a question. She mentions about there having been "too much space" between us at the end, both in a physical touchy-feely way and in terms of just spending time together.

I start to tell her how I felt during the last week of our relationship, mainly that I was confused.

[Background: We had been having a bit of a rough period but were still doing okay (sleeping in the same bed 90% of nights) up until a week before, when I got upset about her finding the time to go out drinking but not to spend time with me, apart from us sleeping in the same bed. She helped me realise that I was being a bit silly because I was always expecting her to tell me when she was available, rather than just me contacting her and asking to see her. I felt much better the next day, but from this point on she never slept over again. At the time I just thought she was down about exams and family, and needed space so I didn't bother her about it.]

I asked her about it, and she says she sort of did it to see if I'd try and come over and sleep with her (not sex). I said "what a fecking miscommunication" and we sort of both laughed, me starting to get a bit teary, her more teary.

She now says she wants to still be friends but doesn't know how. She thinks because we had so much space when we were together that it wouldn't be much different now we're together. I said I don't know... but said I might give it a try.

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I want to read into her being sad so badly. I want to wait until I'm cool and calm, and then tell her I think we should give it another try, or tell her I don't want to be just friends and that I need more, or even just ask her over to hang out. I don't know.

Go on, dash my hopes and tell me what a stupid idea this is!

[lavnder]

Sounds like she's been grieving the loss of you and the relationship. I don't know whether or not that gives any indication of if she would like to get back together. A very confusing situation especially since she broke up with you. I agree with you to wait till your cool and calm to try to talk to her, but I would also suggest that you take time to think about what you want in a relationship and if she is someone that can fulfill your needs.

[cmacattack1]

It ultimately comes onto her though. When she is cool and calm, she'll be able and ready to talk to you. Whether she wants to capitalize on that opportunity or not, is up to her I suppose. There isn't really much you can since you can't talk her into a relationship again or make her feel for you like she did before. Getting back together would be getting back together in a broken relationship.

This is a time of reflection and to nitpick through every little thing through your relationship. Things you both did wrong. So that you can come up with ways to better improve your relationship if she decides that she wants to keep you in her life. In the meantime you have to let her be. She needs to do her own sorting out. Nothing can come about that except more hurt, considering you both are incredibly emotional right now.

Think about what you want? Do you want to be friends with her? No. So why try? Because that's what she wants right now? What she wants is you to be there for her until somebody else comes along. That's how being friends after being together works 99 percent of the time. If that's not what you want, and it hurts like hell, you can't paste on a fake smile like everything is okay. If she wants to be friends and you don't, you have to be apart and back away from this and ask her to give you some space to sort things out. You will miss her, and it will hurt, but you shouldn't have a need to have her in your life and settle for something you don't want. Being apart will also have her feel what's it like not having you there, and she may want to make the moves to come back to you. It's a vicious battle and you have to take it one day at a time.

[lhn]

Think about what you want? Do you want to be friends with her? No. So why try? Because that's what she wants right now? What she wants is you to be there for her until somebody else comes along. That's how being friends after being together works 99 percent of the time. If that's not what you want, and it hurts like hell, you can't paste on a fake smile like everything is okay. If she wants to be friends and you don't, you have to be apart and back away from this and ask her to give you some space to sort things out. You will miss her, and it will hurt, but you shouldn't have a need to have her in your life and settle for something you don't want. Being apart will also have her feel what's it like not having you there, and she may want to make the moves to come back to you. It's a vicious battle and you have to take it one day at a time.

Listen to this paragraph.

I am a walking, talking example of the above. I tried and tried to be friends and "paste" on a fake smile. All it did was pro-long my agony and ended in tears.
You need to make a choice. Try again, or cut it completely if you still have feelings for her.
Unfortunately, what people advice will play little part in your final decision if you haven't been in this situation before.

Good luck

[Mike]

Ok, what do I do?

- She has text me tonight saying "Do you want to come over for a visit?" (which is basically what would happen when we were going out)
- I replied "I think that would be a bad idea. Sorry."
- She says "I dont know how or when i can be your friend, i need your help with that"

What do I say?

Does it sound to you like there's any point in telling her that I want to get back together?

Should I tell her I want to get back together for the sake of getting closure?

Or should I just tell her that you don't get to be friends with someone after breaking up with them?

I feel like saying "I don't know what you expected to happen. It's not fair of you to ask me to be your friend after cutting your commitment like that."

Help.

[cmacattack1]

I don't have a good answer for you. It takes alot of people some tough love to really learn something from it. I like the last thing you said, but there are tactful ways to express such feelings. If you were to do that, I would do it in person. So that it can't be interpreted any which way.

It's very soon and you both are emotionally headstrong. I personally think you need to let her know that you need some time on your own to sort things out and that in the meantime you aren't interested in being friends with her. I'm not saying you have to ignore her if you run into her, but no attempts to contact each other.

You are going to do what you want to do. But don't get caught up in emotions and say things you don't mean and end up regretting it later on. I've done that and I can't tell you how much irreversible damage I caused.

It's better to ride it out until you are thinking more clearly and in the meantime, pick apart the parts of your relationship that were faulty, on her end and on yours. If you are to get back together, it would exponentially improve it. If you don't you will be ready for the next relationship. You can't lose.