Caught in the circle of pain

[Toddstar]

My ex and I share a small child, we met in January 2007, had our child in 2008. In January 2009 we broke up for a few months but still continued to live together until she moved out. We reconciled in June 2009 (she had been seeing someone, I didnt). In Dec 2009 we broke up again. We reconciled in March and then broke up in April. Then reconciled in June and then broke up in August 2010 (she met another guy and dumped me). We reconciled in Sept and she dumped me again in Oct 2010 (on my birthday) and met another guy she dated until January 2011.

Now, most of you are thinking that I am just torturing myself reconciling all the time while she sleeps with other guys. And maybe I was. We reconciled AGAIN in January this year only for me to break it off in February because she told me she was sleeping with all these guys and I couldnt deal with it. I sent letters, emails, flowers, anything to let her know I made a mistake and all she said was YES, I made a HUGE mistake. A week later she is seeing someone else.

The sick thing is I LOVE this woman. She is 34, I am 39. Yes, I did have some self esteem issues, I was overweight (I lost 80 lbs this last year), I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and may have pushed her away. But now I feel good about me, and I have dated a little, I STILL cant let go of her. Each day is supposed to bring less pain but it seems to be getting worse before its getting better!

She has dated/slept with 4 men in the last 2 years and I KEEP on going back when she wants to reconcile. I think of her all the time, I dream about her, I love her soooo much, I want us to be a family still, I see her at pick up/drop off's of our son, I think of her too much. I cant do this anymore, I need to move on, to NOT compare her to other women I date...yet I do and I wind up hurting myself over and over.

I need to get out of this circle or cycle of pain. How do I jsut let her go finally and accept the last 4 years are over and its time to move on? Just typing this brings tears to my eyes.

Help me please.

[skrapy4]

omg i feel ur pain- even though me and my ex doesn't have kids. I would have to say give yourself a timeframe of no contact at all, that way she can really validate your relationship as a whole. Of course, you want to see your child- but the contact should limit to strictly that, and also that way, you also have real time to heal from this. I've been no contact with my ex for about a month and a half, and he's with someone else. It's helping little by little for me, cause I'm learning that I can be happy by myself. Of course there's days like today where I'm still yerning for him, but I keep in my mind the quote "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it was ment to be". But you must accept its over, and if she decides to come back, its new, not an attachment to the old relationship, that will only bring problems.Hang in there, it gets worst before it gets better. This forum helps alot though

[Toddstar]

Thanks Skrapy. I am trying no contact; he did contact me with a snotty email saying :when do i get to meet the new girl? :o 2 weeks ago after drop off with my son (I guess he mentioned something to her)...fact is I do NOT want to know what she is doing and I dont want her to know what I am doing. She then contacted me with something else trivial this week (my sister thinks shes just trying to stay in contact with me) and I ignored both emails. I have NO idea what she is doing but I DO know when I pick up our son tonight and drop him off on Sunday, not ONE word will be spoken between us, she tend to revert to email to contact me.

You know what? Whatever to her. I love my son and I love me (well...I am getting there! LOL). My feelings will always be strong for her but I have to admit to myself there will be no 6th reconciliation. This is over. And as I improve myself (ie weight loss, acceptance, forgiveness, self love and growth) and she continues to bounce from man to man, I know I will be the one who will ultimately be happy.

[skrapy4]

exactly! hopefully you can even move past the negative feelings, and over time you will. Forgivness is a great power many people do no have. I'm just hoping for the first reconciliation , but maybe if I act like its not gonna happen, it will