So confused. Need female advice.

[feldy321]

Needed advice so signed up for this forum. I feel it is worth a shot.

Ok so I am 25 years old and the female is 24. We meet back in high school so have known one another for nine years. We dated seriously for the first two. I ended up getting her pregnant because I at that time was a dumb teenager. She had an abortion which I was there for her. Her Mom split us up but we always remained in contact. I moved away for the last four years but moved back a few weeks ago.

She is currently dating another guy for the past four years and I just got out of a four year relationship. When I came back and visited we hung out and had a great time for the day. I kissed her and she was ok with that but then broke down into tears. I gave her space after that and went back to the state i resided in.

I moved back because of family issues and am now closer to her. We have hung out quite a bit. Thing is she is still with her boyfriend and I am no longer with my girlfriend.

We have not yet gotten sexual but we have basically done everything besides having intercourse. It feels so right when we are together and doing things we forget about the consequences. She forgets about her boyfriend in the moment and i forget about my feelings the next day when there is no progress with her breaking up with her boyfriend.

I feel in a way I am going crazy? Not freaking out but my mind is just so stuck in this mess that I think about it too often.

I guess my question is why do I feel like she wants me so bad but she doesn't stop the shit with her current boyfriend who all she does is complain about. This guy doesn't call to even say he loves her or anything. Calls and says goodnight They hangout like once a week and have not been intimate for three months. He doesn't even says he loves her ever really. I think this is why I do not feel bad for the guy at all.

I know i should feel like a prick doing this behind his back but i have no sympathy for someone like that.

Im sure i will get the reply that if she is doing it to him she will do it to you. Thing is i feel she wouldn't do it to me because i wouldn't treat her or ignore her the way he does so consistently. He can't even pay for her dinners and such... what is with that?

I ned to know where she is at in her head. I know she wants me in her life because she would have cut communication like she did the time she started dating this guy. She hasn't done that yet at all. I just feel I am second bested to this guy and it bugs me out. I put on the happy face but once in awhile question her and how she thinks. She says she is just afraid to break it off with him because she is really close with his family.

That is another thing. I went out to dinner and have hungout a few times with her family and her mom loves me now? Her entire family knows she should be with me and so do her friends.

I was down there yesterday and i got a little upset. No yelling just asking what is it she thinks she is doing? One day i am good to go and can hold her and kiss her and then another day it is all off limits. Even the days when it is all off limits i can still eventually hold her etc. but it drives me crazy with all these restrictions and thinking about her having her cake and eating it too.

I have tryed to just stop talking to her but it hurts to not talk to her. I usually can just end talking to someone without issue but with her i can't understand why i cant.

What should i ask her to do?
What should i do?

Thanks in advance ladies.

[StupidMan]

congratulations. Her family accepted you. Mine is very different. Her family hated me so much.. damn.
please cherish her....

[miSSleepy]

You shouldn't continue this while she's with her boyfriend. Talk to her about it and give her 2 options: stay with him and move on from you, or move on from him (officially) to be with you. There's nothing much else you can do.

[feldy321]

I cherish everything about her. She is really a very great person minus this huge snag.

I know i have to give her that ultimatum and have. She just doesn't want to choose. She knows she can't have a future with this guy because he obviously isn't about that. He doesn't agree with marriage, doesn't believe people should live in the same house, etc. etc.

I just actually got off the phone with her. We talked for a good hour and once again i just feel like i can only toss things out there to get her to think. We all know how fast time flys, so what is the point of going in a direction with no future?

I feel maybe I have to back off and "ignore" her as hard as it is. I have never done heroin but i feel like im addicted to her like people are to that. I have my own life so its not all about her every second. I just want to build a future with her. I let her know tonight that i am in no way shape or form jealous of this guy she is with because i in fact know he doesn't even compete with me. I feel like she is just scared of the unknown. To me that is what life is all about, taking chances.

Im scared if i don't try to fight for her i could lose her again. I lost her at age 18 and just am not compelled to lose her again. We connect on every level. We got matching tattoos yesterday.

Who knows where this will all go, but i thank you for the advice.

It is probably the best advice because that is the only advice i hear. Give her the two options.

[jinx343]

obviously there are only 2 options... and i agree with sleepy..

she doesn't want to choose?!?!?!?! well, i understand her dilemma if u said she's with him for 4 years already..but you can't go on living that way.. you have to clear things up.. this is what landed you here in the first place. ur free.. so the choice is hers to make. if she doesnt want to break up with the guy she is with at the moment, you shouldnt waste your time with her. seriously, if she wants you, she could make her mind up. and you wouldn't keep your self hanging either.

i understand that when you love somebody, you're oblivious to the people around you and who ur hurting in the process (including yourself)... sorry but she is cheating and somewhat playing a game.. that is how it looks to me. better if she finish the other business before she jumps into another one.

best of luck!

[miSSleepy]

What do you mean she doesn't want to choose?? She knows there's no future with him, so she has no choice but to choose!

[Citycat]

Uh, I don't understand why she doesn't want to choose. Congrats that her family accepted you. Maybe you should give her firmer ultimatum and distance yourself until she gives you the final answer. E.g. if she tries to kiss you, avoid the kiss and tell her you won't have anything like that with her until she decides whose she wants to be.

Best luck

[Cain]

I still think you're doing the wrong thing. Do you know for sure this is how he treats her? You don't think maybe she's saying this stuff so you don't feel guilty about messing with a taken girl? You know... people can lie. I find it hard to believe that she would stay with a guy that treats her like crap... someone that she sees no future with... when you're right there ready to be with her. Something is fishy about that.

But honestly, YOU made the mistake of messing with a taken woman and when she does it to you, you know you had it coming.

[feldy321]

Thanks for all the feedback. I have been with her when he calls etc. He is the "oblivious" type. So yea I have been there a few times when it comes to him. Not to mention his own sister told her to move on if he didn't get is act together. I know I will in fact be with her in the future but as of now it's not like that.

As for again the she is doing it to him she would do it to you comment. Im very aware that is a possibility. Thing is I dont see that happen. She has been nothing short of commited to this guy for the last four years. She hasn't cheated on him once. I came back into the picture and it changed her static state. As she changed the way I felt about my ex. I realized how much i didn't have in common with my ex and how disfunctional a relationship it was with my ex. If anything it was a blessing in disguise just to meet with her again and see what i truly want for myself in the future whether that be her or not.

I understand it could be looked upon like a game as well. I just don't feel I am being manipulated. Sure my emotions are being messed with but if hers weren't all over the place i would know it was a game. She is just as confused as i am.

As far as sex is concerned she wont let that come close to happening. She just says there is no way because of the situation. I know people lie etc. but i have known her for nine years and we have never lied to one another as weird as that sounds when it comes to our personal lives. I guess that is what makes this all the harder.

It just seems like I need to give her an ultimatum for sure with no weakness on my part involved.

I just feel like we are meant for eachother and she is slowly realizing she wants to be with me in her own time. She is finally opening up to me on a deeper level again as her current guy could care less how she feels on a deeper level.

Maybe she is just going through the paces in her head and needs to make them a reality. My issue is waiting for that to happen. I asked her a couple of times "am i wasting my time with this?". I tell her i wont be mad if you say yes but i just want you to tell me the truth. Most people if not inclined to believe in a future would say "i think you might be, or yes you are, or im not sure". Those would be a sign to just move on but she replies that i am not wasting my time.

Who knows how girls think.... thats why i am asking you lovely ladies.haha

Thanks again.

[Cain]

I understand you feel that she won't leave you for another guy if you two date, but what if she and you date and another guy comes along and makes her feel even better than you do? She's going to leave you for him. That's what it seems like she's doing... leaving someone for someone better.

[feldy321]

I understand you feel that she won't leave you for another guy if you two date, but what if she and you date and another guy comes along and makes her feel even better than you do? She's going to leave you for him. That's what it seems like she's doing... leaving someone for someone better.

I really do understand what it is you are saying. In fact she is questioning leaving this guy for someone better being me. Most women want to feel stable and protected. If a guy can make a woman feel stable and protected then there is no reason to look elsewhere. If a woman is not getting what it is she is looking for just as with men they look elsewhere. I was capable of holding a two year relationship with her in the past with not one fight even as teenagers. Like i said we were broken up by the parentals. Now the parentals are very aware things are different and i am capable of "providing".

Most women just want a guy to continue to make them feel wanted and special. How hard is that if you really care for someone? Random acts of kindness from the heart go along way with females. I feel if we were to be together there would be no snags or anything stopping us. She is just overwhelmed i think at the moment. If we start this then we need to build a future and get a place etc. etc. With the current guy he isn't expressing this so she has no worries because she has fallen into his loop of not romantic anything and no alone time. For the last three months safe to say he hasn't done one thing with her alone. Always with friends and other people. Personally i know that i know how to treat a lady and she wouldn't have to look outside of a relationship with me but AM aware that even though i feel this way it is a possibility she might. That is a possibility with any man or woman. Its a chance we all take. If i were ever to take a chance with anyone it would be her.

My question is not so much about that but how I get her to make a choice or understand what it is she really means when she says things to me.

Edit: I dont know if i answered your question with all that. She has im sure been introduced to multiple men within four years of being with this guy. If she was the type to just up and run for ANY better guy i feel she would have done that by now. I would say if you can last four years with a guy who is oblivious to all your feelings at all times practically. Who doesn't go out of his way to pay for a three dollar drink for her. Who calls to say goodnight and nothing more. To call and say he is going here or there and not invite her once. A guy who only does things that work for him. A guy who wont drive thirty minutes to see her once a week even. A guy who is so insecure with himself he lets it ruin all aspects of their relationship.

I feel that if none of the above apply to me i could only imagine how long she would stay with someone who treats her the opposite way.

[IndiReloaded]

Did you really go and get a matching tattoo w/a friend who is dating another guy??

You're a troll, or you're as stupid as you were when you knocked her up the first time. Both of you.

Sure, why don't you just sleep w/her, if she'll allow it. Don't even bother w/trying to get her to break it if w/her current BF. Why bother, you're having fun, right?

[Cain]

I really do understand what it is you are saying. In fact she is questioning leaving this guy for someone better being me. Most women want to feel stable and protected. If a guy can make a woman feel stable and protected then there is no reason to look elsewhere. If a woman is not getting what it is she is looking for just as with men they look elsewhere. I was capable of holding a two year relationship with her in the past with not one fight even as teenagers. Like i said we were broken up by the parentals. Now the parentals are very aware things are different and i am capable of "providing".

Most women just want a guy to continue to make them feel wanted and special. How hard is that if you really care for someone? Random acts of kindness from the heart go along way with females. I feel if we were to be together there would be no snags or anything stopping us. She is just overwhelmed i think at the moment. If we start this then we need to build a future and get a place etc. etc. With the current guy he isn't expressing this so she has no worries because she has fallen into his loop of not romantic anything and no alone time. For the last three months safe to say he hasn't done one thing with her alone. Always with friends and other people. Personally i know that i know how to treat a lady and she wouldn't have to look outside of a relationship with me but AM aware that even though i feel this way it is a possibility she might. That is a possibility with any man or woman. Its a chance we all take. If i were ever to take a chance with anyone it would be her.

My question is not so much about that but how I get her to make a choice or understand what it is she really means when she says things to me.

Edit: I dont know if i answered your question with all that. She has im sure been introduced to multiple men within four years of being with this guy. If she was the type to just up and run for ANY better guy i feel she would have done that by now. I would say if you can last four years with a guy who is oblivious to all your feelings at all times practically. Who doesn't go out of his way to pay for a three dollar drink for her. Who calls to say goodnight and nothing more. To call and say he is going here or there and not invite her once. A guy who only does things that work for him. A guy who wont drive thirty minutes to see her once a week even. A guy who is so insecure with himself he lets it ruin all aspects of their relationship.

I feel that if none of the above apply to me i could only imagine how long she would stay with someone who treats her the opposite way.

The thing YOU aren't understanding is that your mindset is the same exact mindset that a lot of men have when they are able to steal a woman from another relationship. They believe that they are going to provide the stable and secure life that she needs and that no one can steal her from him. That isn't always the case. I'm just saying don't be so confident that she won't do the same to you.

[Mish]

I really do understand what it is you are saying. In fact she is questioning leaving this guy for someone better being me. Most women want to feel stable and protected. If a guy can make a woman feel stable and protected then there is no reason to look elsewhere.

And you believe you are that guy?

Whatever you are you are not perfect (your trying to manipulate a person to break their commitment to their partner is a testament to that). There are guys who are better than you. If she is questioning leaving this guy for someone better, then she will question leaving you for another better guy in the future too. And there will be better guys than you in her life in the future, I can assure you of that.

I'm sorry to say this and I don't mean to offend, but in order for your plan to be with her to succeed you need to set her up to make a mistake and then guilt trip her into never repeating that mistake ever again. The fact that you are so eager to proceed doesn't paint a very nice picture.

[feldy321]

Wheew bringing the heat. I like it, i like it. Some good stuff.

Yea we got matching tattoos... big deal? She is FIRSTLY a friend and a best friend. I don't see an issue with doing that. She was down to do it. I guess im a troll?

So basically now what I am getting is I am trying to steal her away from this guy? I don't believe im trying to steal her away from him if we both talked about me not being the reason she ends it with him. She doesn't want me being the reason.

As for thinking I am "perfect" I would have to deny that, as I KNOW I am not perfect in any way shape or form. Trying to manipulate her into breaking up with her b/f? I think not there also. If I was doing shit 247 I would agree but I am not. Like I said i have stated that there is NO competition between this other guy and myself. No need to manipulate. Plus I hate people who manipulate shit. If me hanging out with her is seen as manipulation I am sorry you see it that way.

I find it funny that I am getting "scorched" here by the men. I guess you are either trying to give me advice from a past issue you have been in or are a guy who has had a female "stolen" from you? Im not looking to steal her.

This might be over a couple of your heads but I am also looking at helping her move on with her life. Star making forward progress instead of steadily staying in this non moving state with this guy. Sue me for caring.

Maybe I should have stated only reply if you have known someone for 9+years and have gone through this. The 9 year thing really adds a twist to all of this. Its not as easy as telling someone to go away etc. etc.

P.S. I like the quote of the month: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." ~ Mother Teresa