Break up after almost 3 years. Need advice.

[MichaelLevi]

My girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me last week and I need some advice. She said she knows she's doing the right thing and that in the long run, it will pay off. She says I deserve the best and that's what I'm going to get, without her. She for some reason thinks she's highly undeserving of me. Towards the end of our relationship she started going over to a friend of her's house A LOT, and she told me recently that she was trying to distance herself from me before she broke up with me so it would hurt less (that didn't help me at all). She was trying to practice living without me because she knew she was going to break up with me, she knew she had to but didn't know when. She says she's been depressed for the last 3 months. She hasn't been able to sleep and has been having to take pills and drink cough syrup to knock herself out. She hasn't been eating because she feels like puking all the time. She can't stand hurting me. She never told me any of this until after she broke up with me because she thought I would have been angry with her and hurt. She believes she's unfixable and will never in a million years be good enough for me, so it has to be like this. She thinks she has a lot of problems. She says she's always known that. The fact she's been doing drugs and that she kissed a guy should show me that (according to her). She says she's overly jealous, possessive, irritable, etc. We're going to see each other to talk on Saturday, and she said she doesn't intend on getting back together. She just wants to talk and be friends, she at least needs that. She believes she's doing the right thing, and is not going to let me waste away with her, because I can and will do better and she isn't going to let me miss out on a chance of happiness for her. We can't get back together and she'd rather die alone that have me be stuck with her. She said I was a great boyfriend, there were little quirks, but I was great and she's the one with the problems. She said I "obeyed" everything she commanded of me. I was always trying to be nice and trying to please her, but she's an unpleasable person. Her mind is made up, we can't get back together and she doesn't want me getting my hopes up. She told me she did drugs a few time throughout our relationship, she slipped up on cocaine in June or July of 2007, and did it again after I got stoned in November of the same year. She took an ecstasy pill she took from her friend and she believes she has a problem. After we lost our virginity to one another I guess I didn't talk to her for a couple of days and she got piss drunk for a few nights. She thinks she's a hypocrite. She never wanted to tell me any of that because she was afraid I'd go out and do the same thing to get even. She says that isn't her only flaw and she's been trying to keep herself from doing stupid shit. She said she's been doing good and hasn't done anything since the 15th (she sent me all these texts on the 22nd) but talking about it is making it worse. She thinks she's not good for me and that she can't be fixed. She doesn't want to be fixed, she's a liar, and she hates herself, ad she doesn't want me to want her anymore. She wants me to move on and be happy. She can't look at herself in the mirror anymore because she hates herself and wants me to hate her too. She wants me to do whatever I need to do to hate her. She then changed her mind and said she doesn't want me to hate her, she wants to be friends but if it will make me not want her anymore, she has a lot of things to say (she never said them). She claims I was a perfect boyfriend and that I'm going to make someone very happy someday. She's sorry it came to this and that she sucks so much. She doesn't think I could have helped because she can't be helped. She has too many problems. I can't fix her, we can't be together, she doesn't want me getting my hopes up.

Okay, I know that's extremely long. It's about 47 text messages she sent to me on Monday. I need to know what to do. To me it sounds like she's clinically depressed. I really don't think she's doing the right thing, because this is driving me insane. Everything I do reminds me of her. I can't listen to any music at all because it will somehow remind me of her. I think that if she would have told me about her doing drugs, being depressed, etc I could have helped her but I think she's convinced herself she can't be fixed. I know we can fix things if we try. I know I wasn't a perfect boyfriend and some things I did most likely contributed to the break up too. I'm madly in love with this girl and I need her back. I don't want or need anyone else, she's who I want and need. I need to know how to properly let her know that, without sounding obsessed or crazy. So please, someone give me some advice.

[VincenzoG91]

She's a mess, and you don't have the professional training to deal with all of her issues. She is trying to do the right thing by breaking up with you, because she shouldn't be with anybody until she gets professional help. Don't make it any harder for her than it already is, but responding to 47 text messages in one day is a bad idea. I recommend against doing the just-friends thing, but if you do, try really hard to treat her as just another friend. No intimacy, but talking is okay. Might be better if you talked on the phone instead of meeting up, but if you must meet, make it a public place.

As for you, love is like a drug, and you're going through withdrawal symptoms. No contact is the better way to go, it's the equivalent of going cold turkey to break a drug addiction. Just-friends will make it harder, much harder, and send your emotions up and down like a rollercoaster.

[MichaelLevi]

I was thinking pretty much the same thing. But it seems she KNOWS she has a problem, and we've talked about it before. She doesn't want professional help because her overly protective grandmother won't allow her to take the medicine she would most likely receive. Her grandmother believes that prayer and church can heal everything, and doesn't even care to listen to her problems. I was thinking maybe suggesting she see a therapist with me, I'd pay for it, and we can see what happens.

[VincenzoG91]

The therapist thing isn't a bad idea, though I predict that after the first session, the therapist is going to say that you're okay but she needs help. Actually, a more likely scenario is that she refuses to go. Still, it's worth a try.

[MichaelLevi]

I know that I'm okay, I just think she might feel more comfortable talking to him/her if I'm there. She gets embarrassed easily and is pretty shy.

[Gigabitch]

I know that I'm okay, I just think she might feel more comfortable talking to him/her if I'm there. She gets embarrassed easily and is pretty shy.

Well, then take her to a couple of sessions but be prepared for the possibility that her therapist might tell her she has no business being in a relationship in her condition.

[MichaelLevi]

Well, then take her to a couple of sessions but be prepared for the possibility that her therapist might tell her she has no business being in a relationship in her condition.

Well if that's said then I'll just be back to where I am now.

[Krissykris]

Oh my, she's totally jerking around with you! Oh this is tough to explain unless you're a female.

Us women like the bad guys, the ones who are hard to tame, it makes us feel like we can fix something. (stupid I know). By you "obeying" everything she asks, she's bored of you, she wants drama in your relationship, yes! GIRLS LOVE DRAMA in relationship, we will start a fight with guys to get a rise outta you! (now I'm not saying ALLLLL girls), think about it, if you were to break up with someone, would you go meet them and text them non stop? It doesn't make sense, she's making everything dramatic so you will go head over heals for her and start pouring out your emotions, probably get a little reckless and she'll come back and everything will be peachy clean!

It sounds bad but I really think this is what she's doing, she may not know it herself, but she is making things dramatic cause she's bored. If I were you and it sounds like you love her, be bossy with her, TELL her that you want her and you're not taking no for an answer, shake her for christ sake! Be MANLY! Think about being some tough ass guy who walks around with the persona of "I don't give a shit what you think".

[MichaelLevi]

Oh my, she's totally jerking around with you! Oh this is tough to explain unless you're a female.

Us women like the bad guys, the ones who are hard to tame, it makes us feel like we can fix something. (stupid I know). By you "obeying" everything she asks, she's bored of you, she wants drama in your relationship, yes! GIRLS LOVE DRAMA in relationship, we will start a fight with guys to get a rise outta you! (now I'm not saying ALLLLL girls), think about it, if you were to break up with someone, would you go meet them and text them non stop? It doesn't make sense, she's making everything dramatic so you will go head over heals for her and start pouring out your emotions, probably get a little reckless and she'll come back and everything will be peachy clean!

It sounds bad but I really think this is what she's doing, she may not know it herself, but she is making things dramatic cause she's bored. If I were you and it sounds like you love her, be bossy with her, TELL her that you want her and you're not taking no for an answer, shake her for christ sake! Be MANLY! Think about being some tough ass guy who walks around with the persona of "I don't give a shit what you think".

Trust me, we've had tons of drama and until recently we fought/argued almost daily. She used the word "obeyed" because I'd do little things that I would have rather not done, like texting her when I leave somewhere and get somewhere else. Also she didn't want me smoking pot or getting drunk, and I respected that because she's had a lot of problems with her family abusing alcohol and drugs. I'm thinking the daily fights/arguments are part of why she broke up with me. A few weeks before the breakup though things were getting better, but I guess she had already made up her mind to break up with me. I'm going to see her today and I WILL get her back.

[MichaelLevi]

We talked. We both cried...a lot. She's convinced we can't get back together, that she's not good for me, and that she can't be fixed. She doesn't want to see a therapist because she doesn't want to talk about it. So I guess I'm back to feeling like shit.

[mafj99]

You sound like you are going through what I went through, managed to get out of and then went back too and now am wondering if I made the right move.

I have been told that I needed to man up as she was fed up with me doing everything she asked, it is not easy if you care for somebody but as Krissykris said, some women seem to like the drama and a guy that can't be controlled. Even if you actualy want to do what she asked, for me at least, I found that that is apparently being a push over.

If she has issues as you say then you can not do anything other than let her sort them out herself (See Shining Knight Syndrome post), it is hard to do, especially if you care for someone but they have to do it themselves.

The best thing you can do if she says she doesn't want to get back with you is try and get on with your life and let her go. As the saying goes if she loves you enough then she will come back, be warned though, if your not careful if she comes back it may smack you in the back of the head.

S

[MichaelLevi]

I'm positive this whole thing ISN'T about me "obeying" her.

[mafj99]

I'm positive this whole thing ISN'T about me "obeying" her.

I doubt it is, but it can be a contributing factor more than you think. Depending on her mind set if she is unhappy with herself and feels that you don't deserve her by you "obeying" her all the time she will most likely see that you are letting her take advantage of her which then makes her feel bad.

It has taken me a long time to finally get out of my girlfriend the reason why she gets annoyed and tells me to stop doing what she asks all the time. She has been know, and admited to it as well to treat me like crap to get a rise from me and a reaction. Again confirming that what Krissykris says is true, it doesn't mean it is the main reason but like I said it can add to it all.

After three years and by her behaviour there seems to be a lot going on but there is sadly not a lot you can do.

S

[MichaelLevi]

She really wants to be friends, and telling her that we can't be was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The look on her face killed me. My cousin thinks that she'll come back, once she's had time to work her problems out herself. I hope and pray he's right.

[Guardian299]

I will give you the advice i went with. I too had a 3 year relationship and he left me with no warning or explaination. Then i did something totally out of character.....ignore him, dont text or call him etc, just say hi if you randomly see them or keep it simple if they call. just wait for her response, if she is going to realise her mistake of change her mind, space will help her come to this conclusion.
I did this and within a few weeks he came back, this could however take months or more. All depends on how long your willing to wait and i wont lie, it was the hardest thing i have ever done as your instinct is that you should keep advancing to try and "fix" the problem. From my experience persuing her will only make things worse as you will seem desperate and she needs time to miss you.

hope this helps. gd luck