3 years w/GF, we break up... want her back. Help!

[ran]

I need help on landing my girlfriend back. We were together for 3 years, and we lived together for 1.5 years. I think that there is an OK chance that we may get back together again. We got into a big fight, and that will take time before things are a bit healed (but she won't forget at all).

So, I'm thinking of some ways that I can hook up with her again. I think I was lazy in the relationship and was too focused on my business and she feels very neglected. But my needs weren't exactly met, either.

I don't understand why she is so hurt, so I said simplify the problem, and she says it is soooo simple already. I jsut can't feel her pain. Many would consider it emotional baggage, but I think she is just depressed and needs more support. I meet with her every now and then and we discuss things about how she feels, why she's hurt, etc.

So I'm thinking that maybe I need to show that I've got a life again, and we can actually have fun. Obviously, I don't want to act fake, but I want to show that I am genuinely:

• energetic
• mysterious
• friendly
• fun!

How to go about doing that? I suggested we get piercing together and she lit up for a second (AAARG! she is so CUTE!) but that will be when she gets out of school in three weeks. Whta can I do in the mean time? Besides have patience which I don't have

I NEED IDEAS!!

[Fishy]

prove your bullet points. That's your secret weapon anyway,hm?

[unMorph]

Well, first, don't try to prove that you're something you're not. It'll work for a while, but you would have to continue supporting the lie for the rest of the relationship. Totally exhausting. I've done that. Imagine being Atlas holding the world on his shoulders.
What you need to do is make whatever PERMANENT changes within you, or your life style to fix the very problem that caused her unhappiness. This may or may not be an appealing (or even practical) solution for you. You'll have to decide.
Doing this is just like solving any other problem.
* Isolate the problem. (Find the ROOT of the problem, the deeplest level. She might start by saying, 'Well you did <this>'. That's not it. If you ask her 'How did you feel when I did <this>?' You will get an answer closer to the root. Keep going until you can't see a way to go any further. It'll either be something unpleasant that she felt, or something that she wanted to feel and didn't.)
* Form a hypothetical solution (What can you do to replace the unpleasant feeling with something better, or create what she WANTS to feel? If you know anything about NLP, this'll be easy to do. [Using NLP within a relationship is morally debatable. >_>])
* Implement (Less talk more DO!)
If unsuccessful repeat.

Good luck!

[ran]

I've been workig hard at isolating the problem. The only solution to that problem for her is for me to seek councelling and lots of *time*. I agree, it is pointless to figure out the problem and isolate the variables without implementing a program or system that fixes the problem as it comes up on a regular basis.

She is very sensitive, and I am not so sensitive (as I recently found out).

I figure she will be happy, if we are both happy with ourselves, and everything always stays positive and happy.

How to become happy and show that things will be consistently happy in the future? I'm willing to do whatever it takes because she's a really cool girl.

Probably takes time and during that time, I have to slowly show that I can be cool too. Which I think won't be faking it, because, in general, people seem interested in me. I was just a bit lazy or spent no energy on our relationship. So she thinks I'm probably boring person.

[ran]

Sorry, there are two things that need to happen...

1) Fix the problem and show that the problem will stay fixed
2) Re-invent myself (in her mind) and my role in the relationship that shows I am interesting/fun.

#1 is most important to her, but will take a while for her to become comfortable, #2 is to generate interest so she will say "hey, he's not such a dick afterall," and she may open up more if we become friends again. That is key to getting to the root of the problems (#1).

Also, I think it will help to inspire her to feel better about herself because she feels bad about her body (which I think is fine ). I thought maybe I should take her to get her hair done.

[ran]

Bump... need more advice people...

[LaydeeSarah]

hmmm im not sure if getting her hair done will make her feel better about her body, if u want to spend money on her spend it on sumthing that will make her feel sexy, eg lingerie etc. i dont know about u girls but i sure love it when i get that kinda stuff as a gift, it shows that the guy wants to see that on ur body... if u thought ur body was bad then why would your bf give u lingerie? surely if i guy thought u had a bad body, that would be the last thing they wanna see u in... eg saggy grandma in see through lingerie....
anyway didnt mean to disturb u... but dont stress this matter so much.... thinga will eventually fall into place, if it doesnt work out then its not the end of the world.... but i dunno if its true but from wut ur saying, u guys dont seem to understan each other and dont reallt "communicate" ..... beleive me girls love it when their men talk to them without us having to talk to u first.... we love it wen guys give us attention.... if u find yourself bored and dont feel the need to show her atention then obviously this realtionship is not right.... imagine how extra bored u would be a year or 2 later if ur already bored with each other....

[ran]

hmmm im not sure if getting her hair done will make her feel better about her body, if u want to spend money on her spend it on sumthing that will make her feel sexy, eg lingerie etc. i dont know about u girls but i sure love it when i get that kinda stuff as a gift, it shows that the guy wants to see that on ur body... if u thought ur body was bad then why would your bf give u lingerie? surely if i guy thought u had a bad body, that would be the last thing they wanna see u in... eg saggy grandma in see through lingerie....
anyway didnt mean to disturb u... but dont stress this matter so much.... thinga will eventually fall into place, if it doesnt work out then its not the end of the world.... but i dunno if its true but from wut ur saying, u guys dont seem to understan each other and dont reallt "communicate" ..... beleive me girls love it when their men talk to them without us having to talk to u first.... we love it wen guys give us attention.... if u find yourself bored and dont feel the need to show her atention then obviously this realtionship is not right.... imagine how extra bored u would be a year or 2 later if ur already bored with each other....

No, she fears lingerie (otherwise I would be broke right now ) because she feels it will bring too much attention, also right now, sex is out of the question. I think you are right about the talking. She wanted more talking. I'm writing her a poem. She may like that, or think it is lame. Being a 'guy' I think I fell into the trap of not talking about really deep emotional things. The main thing that she wants is time and for me to be patient, but I suck at being patient. I think she wants to see that I am more caring and genuinely interested in talking to her about her problems. She needs to see something different.

How do I get more patient? I feel like calling her every two minutes but luckily I can hold off. But it is hard. I want to call her now. I feel kind of desperate.

[ianv3]

Update please, I'm in the same situation and have been sick about it for over a week now.

Thanks.