Contact with Ex-Boyfriend.

[Jebber45]

Hello Girls,

I really hope some of you can give me some insight on my dilemma. First a little back-story... My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years. I am 30, and she is 25. Everything in our relationship has been every bit wonderful, and I love her with all my heart. We have even been talking marriage. The only lingering issue we have had is that she is in contact with several of her ex-boyfriends. We have had arguments before about this, but generally I chalk it up to my own insecurities and move on. Admittedly, I do not like my girlfriend to be in regular contact with her ex-boyfriends, because unfortunately from a past relationship - my insecurity was totally validated.

Anyways, a while back, during an argument she gave me her password to facebook with an open invitation to log on and check out her stuff at any time. This was probably a year ago, and I never logged on. Through our arguments she said that if she was contacted by any of them, that she would let me know, so as to show that she was not hiding anything. As my suspicions grew worse, I decided to log on to her facebook last week. I saw various, sporadic emails between her and 3 of her ex boyfriends. Most of them were not very scandalous, though it was clear that she had been lying the whole time about being in contact with the. I also found out that a "friend" of hers, actually turned out to be a pretty intimate boyfriend. So there is the lying, but what disturbs me the most is an email exchange with her last ex-boyfriend. Apparently a year and a half ago (we had been together for 1 year, and they had been broken up for 1.5 years) they had some phone conversations. From what I have gathered/found out - he made mention that he was thinking about moving to our home town - Chicago. Not what exactly transpired, I'll never know - but it is pretty clear that there were at least some hints of rekindling the flame. The text of the email is here (names changed obviously, though I am Jamie):


Mike,

I don't know if you get text messages up there, but regardless of whether or not you got my message after our conversation last week, I wanted to write some things.

When you told me last week that you might move to Chicago, I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I was literally speechless, and you know how rarely that happens. You were so adament on not moving to Chicago after graduation when we discussed it.. it really surprised me.

I feel like what I am writing is disconnected and loopy with no unifying ideas- which is probably a fairly good assessment.. but I just need you to know that I was a mess when we broke up... and starting to talk to you again feels like treading in dangerous waters. After I talked to you last week I watched the Notebook which was probably about the stupidest thing I could have done... but oh well.

I have to put myself in Jamie's shoes in this regard... and if I found out he was talking to an ex and still struggling with burying the last of the feelings.. I would be devestated. I don't want to put myself in a bad situation, and I hope you can respect that too.

If I have completely read into innocent phone conversations, I am sorry for coming off as so pretentious to assume something else was meant.....that would make this email totally pointless lol.

Sarah

To me I take this whole email as Sarah being completely open to at least further talks about them as a couple. No, she is not pointedly trying to get back together with him, but she is definitely not closing any sort of door. She maintains that I am misinterpreting the email, and that she was actually trying to blow him off or something. Now, I figure myself somewhat perceptive and I just cannot see in any way that this email could be perceived as anything other than what it is -- that she still has feelings for him, and that she is feeling him out trying to gauge his feelings for her.

Please let me know what you think! Am I crazy? I guess I should also mention that a few days later she sent him this:

Things are good.. how are things with you??

My number is XXX XXX XXXX ... always good to catch up with you.



I love this girl more than anything. And amongst this past week of hell she has proclaimed over and over again that she will do absolutely anything to be with me and that she wants in life is me. I guess I can get over the fact that she lied, because at the very least I can understand why she lied (to avoid conflict with me). And I guess I can get over her other chit-chat emails with her other exs (although I don't like it).

But, I simply cannot seem to get over the fact that she was, in a passive-aggressive way, pursuing "Mike" ... And she told him she has feelings for him... And that there is absolutely no language at all that says something like, "I don't know if I am reading into our conversations right, but I want you to know that I love Jamie and I am committed to him" ..

In short, I believe that her email - rather than closing the door on an ex, actually sort of opens it a bit.

Thank you much in advance for your comments.

J

[Gigabitch]

She'll do anything, huh? How about leaving the past in the past, cleaning up her Facebook and cutting contact with old flames? Will she do that?

[Jebber45]

Yes, she has said she will do all of those things. She says that those guys mean nothing to her and that she will cut off all ties with them because she doesn't want to further jeopardize our relationship. She has cleaned up her facebook already.

I just wish that there was one single sort of "stand by your man" line... you know? She barely mentions me, and when she does it is only to say that she would feel bad if I found out about her feelings!

[Gigabitch]

It's going to take a lot to repair this damage. Does she understand that making sure it doesn't happen again isn't enough? She also has to fix your confidence.

[Jebber45]

Exactly. I think that she does understand this. She has said that she understands if I need time, and says she will wait for me forever. She has also started going to a counselor. Basically, she IS fighting for me .. and everything she is saying sounds good.

We keep going in circles about this email exchange above. I think I have come to the point where I need to know exactly what was going on in her head at this time before I can even think about reconciling.

What is your take on her email?

[Sevrn]

I have the same thing going on with me sort of. My thread intitled Getting over it (Help)
The problem you and I are having is do we or do we not do what in the back of our minds know we should do and that is leave. If this type of thing happens and when talked about it with our partners, an agreement has been made and settled, they still end up doing the same thing like it was never discused. I am just as confused as you on this matter. Really we are torn between knowing what we should probably do which is what most would do and loosing the one we want.

[little pingoin]

I read it as she was pretty into this guy once and terribly upset that he wouldn't move to Chicago to keep her but began to consider it after she'd become fairly enamored with you (though not completely over him yet).

When you really care for someone, those hurts can linger for quite some time.

The rest of the email sounds like she's interested in developing a friendship with him but not at the expense of her relationship with you. She was trying to clarify that he wasn't expecting anything from her other than friendship.

I am of the opinion that your significant other should be your best friend. Sometimes the romantic part doesn't work out, but you still have the foundation for a good friendship. I am on friendly terms with a few of my ex-boyfriends, and I have no choice but to maintain a congenial relationship with my ex-husband. That certainly doesn't imply I want to jump into bed with any of them. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, don't want to go back. None of my boyfriends have ever had a problem with it, and I would be quite offended if a guy came into my life and began demanding that I cut contact with people that offer no real threat to him.

[Jebber45]

I have never demanded that she cut contact with anyone. I have told her how it makes me feel, and she can choose to do with that how she pleases. After past arguments, she said that she would fill me in on things that may be going on with exs. This was an ongoing lie, as she never mentioned anything. I could care less if she has friends that are guys. But what I don't understand is maintaining contact with ex boyfriends - and especially ones that she claims were manipulative and just basically scumbags. Why do you need to keep that in your life? I have told her that I want her not to want to keep these guys in her life. I've never demanded anything in regards to who she can and cannot talk to.

I just don't understand that if she is "enamored" with me, but she doesn't necessarily tell him this. If she has no interest in him (as she tells me), then why would you tell him that you still have lingering feelings for him? To me, that only gives you a lower-hand with the nature of your relationship together... either friends or otherwise - you effectively have wrapped yourself around his little finger.

A good case in point for this topic is here. I am divorced, and I have little to zero contact with my ex. For the first year I was dating, I would occasionally watch my former dogs (that live with my ex) when she was out of town. And by occasionally I mean 2-3 times per year. Anyways, my girlfriend did not like this and saw it as me having a connection to my old relationship. We had a few small fights, and I decided that it simply wasn't worth it for me to jeopardize my relationship over a couple of dogs. So I put a quick end to it.

That being said, I have asked her to be forthcoming with me about her contact with ex's ... She agreed that she would, and never was. She lied and never told me she was in contact with them ... let alone that she might still have feelings for one! And I guess I feel like if you aren't doing something wrong - then why do you need to lie about it?

[little pingoin]

I think that if she was eager to rekindle things with her ex, you wouldn't have been mentioned at all.

What is it you intended when you asked her to be forthcoming about her contact with her exes? Do you expect a play by play of every email, every text message, and every verbal conversation? Maybe she thought it was only necessary to tell you about it if something unseemly happened - not every little mundane detail. She gave you her Facebook password.

Untrustworthy people give the password, then change it and claim ignorance later (oh, I must have given you the wrong one.. or oh, I changed it for security reasons). I know people that do this. It makes me sick because they know they're up to no good.

It doesn't sound like your girlfriend is that kind of person. Is your paranoia worth pushing her away? Because that is what will happen.

[Jebber45]

Well it is actually funny you mentioned the password thing. I didn't want to get TOO in detail in my original post, but here is what happened. She originally gave me the password a year ago, and I don't remember exactly what it was, but I remember it was her dogs name and some numbers. The reason I got the new password is that she was driving somewhere and needed a phone number -- I was at work so she called me. That is how I got the new password. I actually just asked her why she changed it, and she said "I didn't think that I did" .... when pressed she said she didn't remember changing it.

No, I didn't ask for a play by play with her exs.. but yeah, I guess if an ex called and she got the impression that he wanted to rekindle things with her .. and she had no interest, she might fill me in on that.

[Gigabitch]

The only way it works to remain friends with an ex is if there's no lingering emotional attachment there.

My experience with this is that the exes I've been unwilling to let go had the potential of rekindling the old flame. This used to be less clear to me than it is today and I thought I was really "friends" with these guys, but right now it is as plain as day that I was really keeping them on the back burner for the entire time I was with my ex (over 10 years). There were three of them. I am now married to one of those guys and I don't keep in touch with exes any more.

I think when you're dating somebody, it's not a big deal to keep in contact with exes, but when you get serious about somebody it becomes inappropriate.

I'm not sure if you're at that point in your relationship. Are you?

[Lonely_Star]

Easier said than done is what i think...

[Jebber45]

Gigabitch - your last post really hit the nail on the head. I have always believed that women (and possibly to an extent men) stay friendly with ex boyfriends to keep them on the back burner, so to speak. They might not even realize it. The email of my girlfriend (original post) - was not outwardly pointing toward her wanting to pursue a relationship with him. And another poster said something that made sense in that she would not have even mentioned me at all in the email if she was trying to pursue him.

But overall, I think I can pinpoint my disappointment. And while it is clearly disheartening to me that she is lying about her contact with ex boyfriends - what bothers me the most is that no where in her email was she trying to "close the door" with him.

In talking with her a lot lately - she said that when her and the ex broke up, it wasn't bad .. she didn't hate him .. there was no blow out... She simply moved to Chicago, and he had no desire to. So she felt that there was never any real closure. She says that she thinks her contacts with him were to attempt to find closure, but also to remain on friendly terms.

My response to what she said, if you wanted closure - then why didn't you give it to him??? Telling someone to call you doesn't seem much like closure to me. Nor does telling them you still have feelings for them. And I guess I would have just loved to see something from her like, "Mike, I don't know what you are thinking about moving to Chicago - but please be clear that I am in a loving and committed relationship with Jamie." ... Or something to that effect.

I think instead of shutting the door, she was cautiously creaking it slightly more open.