In regular contact with her ex-boyfriend

[amon]

I've been dating a girl for 6 months now. We get along really well, and tell/trust each other everything.

However, there is this guy (I haven't met him yet) that she used to date in highschool (~10 years ago); they were together for 3 years. Since they broke apart, they've been (she says) just really good friends that every so often talk and help each other.

She smses/talks with him on the phone about 3x/month, and meets him for a coffee and/or snack every 2-3 months. Although she (I believe) tells me about every such talk/meeting, his current girlfriend apparently does not/cannot know about it, since she is quite jealous of my girlfriend.

I know she loves me, and I trust her that there is nothing going on between them, yet the fact that she is in contact with someone that knows her very much (more than me?) even on the intimate level does kind of bother me. She would stop these contacts if I ask her to, but she will then likely also feel a bit trapped, controlled, and less happy.

I question myself the following:
1. How normal is it to be in regular contact with one of your ex-s while being in a serious relationship?
2. Should I ask her to stop the contact?
3. Is there anything else I can/should do?

Thank you for all your replies.

[boobaa]

Why not ask her if she chooses him or you?

[fumfumfum]

Why not ask her if she chooses him or you?

Sorry, but I wouldn't really advise this.

I often spoke to my previous ex when I was with my.. umm.. (current?) ex. They're obviously close but they're both moved on.
So.

1. You have to remember that they have been friends for a long time and, if nothing else, they were high school friends.

2. I don't think asking her to stop is the right idea. By all means tell her you're uncomfortable with them spending alot of time together but asking her to stop would, i think, risk putting a wedge between the two of you.

3. My advice would be to keep reminding her that you love her. Next time she goes to meet up with him, prepare something for when you next see her. e.g. Take her for dinner in the evening as soon as she gets back from coffee with her ex.
Or ask her if you can tag along next time they meet up.

Above all you need to trust her and show her that you love her more than this other faggot does .
My ex got angry when I spoke to my ex-ex, and I think that was a factor contributing to our eventual break up.



But, then again. I did ruin my last relationship with the perfect girl and now she's sleeping with somebody else... So my advice may not be the best around..

Hope this helps.

[Lite]

She smses/talks with him on the phone about 3x/month, and meets him for a coffee and/or snack every 2-3 months. Although she (I believe) tells me about every such talk/meeting, his current girlfriend apparently does not/cannot know about it, since she is quite jealous of my girlfriend.

Actually no, it's not really normal behavior. And if she truly cared she'd bring you along with her to these meetings, discuss the sms/phonecalls with you, and generally be a lot more open about involving you in her relationship with him.

I would be concerned. Especially since he has to keep it from his girlfriend. That is a sign of active secrecy on his part.

[pinkscorpion]

Have you tried talking to her about why this bothers you and why you're perfectly in your rights to be bothered by this?

I mean, after all, most of the time, ex-boyfriends who still want to be "friends" with their ex-girlfriends are often nothing more than snarling wolves waiting to pounce on the girl as soon as the new bf is out of the picture. However, I don't know what circumstances ended her relationship with this guy. Knowing who broke up with whom would give some insight into what is on this guy's agenda.

Just tell her that, while you trust her immensely, her seeing her ex-boyfriend so often kind of hurts your feelings and gets under your skin and that you can't help feeling this way, even if it may be unwarranted or irrational. Also, explain that it bothers you that he won't tell his girlfriend about it, because that is admittedly kind of sketchy.

On the other hand, though, 3 years is a pretty long time to be in a relationship, especially in high school, and it's pretty normal for people to still be friends with exes after they've dated for that long. It's also normal for there to be no ulterior motives on either side after such a long period of time. Definitely on't try to altogether "forbid" her from seeing him and see if she will agree to hanging out with her ex while you are there, as well.