My Wife has given me an ultimatum

[TheGoodGuy]

Hello all,

What it boils down to is this - my wife has given me an ultimatum. Lose a significant amount of weight by 2011, or she's going to leave me.

When we got married 6.5 years ago, I was already a heavy guy. I'm 6'3 and when we got married I was about 250lb. And not a good 250lb, haha! So I was overweight, not very fit or active, but not huge. At the start of this year, I found myself almost at 340lb. Writing it down does make it sound bigger than it ever felt! I put on a whole person (although a small one). Anyway, for years we've had problems with sex, where she never wants to do it. For a time, this was because I was struggling to satisfy her I think, although she didn't really say this. About 6 months ago I got some viagra and this helped my problems, but then when we did go to have sex (about once a month), she'd always be rushing me to finish, telling me to get it over with etc. So I'm pretty confused, when it January she hit me with it. She doesn't fancy me any more, doesn't find me attractive. She still loves me she says, but feels no inclination to have sex with me. She gave me a deadline, that I had to lose a significant amount of weight by the end of the year or she would cut her losses. She sugar coated some of this stuff up a bit, but that's what it boils down to.

Since then, I've dropped over 40lb, which I'm very happy about, although it has been very hard work. I've not always been losing weight in the best ways, skipping 1 or 2 meals a day for periods, but I feel under a lot of pressure to do this for the woman I love. Still, when I was sharing a bed with her, I found myself still very tempted to have sex. She's a very attractive woman (of course I would say this, but you'll have to take my word for it that she'd score very very highly with just about all men). She would only satisfy me with her hands. It's been 18 months since any oral contact and we last had sex in January some time. This makes me feel bitter because she's rejected me, and it annoys her because I've pushed her to do something she didn't really want to do. We also tried having sex in March, but she was so disinterested (even though she had initiated it), unloving and blatantly going through the motions, that my little friend decided to pack up and go home, and for the life of us we couldn't wake him up again (this particular problem has never ever happened to me before).

A few weeks ago I decided to go and sleep in the 2nd bedroom, on my own. I know I can't resist her if I'm in bed with her, and I will inevitably try to initiate sex, which seems to currently only make things worse. I've explained my decision to her in detail, and I know she understands it, although she clearly doesn't agree. Every night before bed she tries to entice me back to her bed, throwing in all kinds of sweeteners. She tried "you can sleep in my bed one night and then go back to yours if you like" and she tried "just stay in my bed until you feel sleepy, then you can go to your bed" (I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep). Tonight she said "I promise we'll have sex again if you come and sleep in my bed" and I still declined, explaining my decision again. I ask why she wants me in her bed - is it just to keep her feet warm and make her feel safe. She said I was breaking an important bond of our relationship by sleeping in a different bed. I said that until she was ready for the relationship to continue in a normal fashion, including sex, she was the one breaking the bonds. I understand that she doesn't find me attractive now I've got fat, and I appreciate she's given me this chance to lose the weight first, but it's still her that's currently forcing the issue. I don't want to share a bed with a woman who doesn't find me attractive, nor do I want to be in a relationship with such a person. I feel this is the right course of action for me to take until things are right. Am I being unreasonable?

What are other peoples thoughts on these things so far? Should I already have walked away? Should she?

Thanks in advance for reading this. I joined this forum because after a bit of a search, this seemed the only one suited for adults, not teenagers pretending they're all getting laid every week.

[IndiReloaded]

How old are you? I'm asking b/c your age does affect the why of your weight gain and what you might do about it. Have you ever been a skinny guy in your entire life?

Thanks in advance for reading this. I joined this forum because after a bit of a search, this seemed the only one suited for adults, not teenagers pretending they're all getting laid every week.

LOL, welcome to the forum. There are several posters here who are married or in longterm relationships. You'll find some help.

You may also get some harsh posts, but take what you need and ignore the rest.

[TheGoodGuy]

I'm 27, my wife is 30. I had problems being underweight when I was very young, but since the age of 6 or so I've been above ideal weight for my height and I was already pretty chunky when she met me, and bigger still when she married me. Still, with my height, I can carry a fair amount of weight without looking too flabby, but to be fair to her, I was getting pretty wobbly before this kicked off.

[Mish]

I understand that she doesn't find me attractive now I've got fat, and I appreciate she's given me this chance to lose the weight first, but it's still her that's currently forcing the issue. I don't want to share a bed with a woman who doesn't find me attractive, nor do I want to be in a relationship with such a person. I feel this is the right course of action for me to take until things are right. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes and no. Personally I think you've handled the situation pretty well in the beginning, to the point where you actually went out and lost 40lbs on your own, not an easy feat to achieve. I was with you all the way until the very end of your post. I think the fact that she is trying to break the ice and slowly move into the repair phase of your relationship is a good thing and you shouldn't decline these advances, even if they are very limited. I understand that you are feeling hurt by her comments and the ultimatum which is why I assume you've decided to move to the second bedroom. I guess this is the point where first you need to convince yourself of where you are trying to go from here before you do anything else. If you lose 50lb more and she is satisfied, will that be good enough for you or will you continue being hurt by her comments? It sounds like you need to figure out which way you want to go. Personally, I don't think this has gone too far (yet), there's been some bad blood on both sides, but it's still fixable.

[vashti]

I think you have made a VERY destructive decision by moving out of your marital bed. Women need affection and other types of intimacy before they can become aroused sexually. And seriously, at 300 pounds, I don't think it's fair for you to expect her to find you sexually attractive.

Also, at your current weight, I feel compelled to point out that impotency is a real problem (along with other cardiovascular problems), not to mention diabetes, respiratory issues, and stress to virtually every single organ in your body. You are literally killing yourself, and it's not her fault. Why should she find that acceptable or sexually attractive?

Please continue with your weight loss, and move back to your marital bed, so that when you are at a healthy weight, you will have a wife to cuddle up to. If you find it difficult to lose the weight, consider lap band surgery. It's very effective with minimal risk, and a lot of insurance companies will fund at least part of it.

[Charlie Boy II]

Considering how enormous you are, I think you're wife's being pretty good about the whole thing, frankly. 340 pounds! My God, man. And walking around sulking because your wife no longer finds you sexually appealing. Take some responsibility for the current situation. You're not the victim here.

[vashti]

goodguy - my previous post was honest, and it makes me feel a little bit bad to be so blunt, but my advice to you would have been different had you been 300+ pounds when this woman married you.... if that were the case, she shouldn't have expected any different. This not being the case, I think it's fair to expect people to look relatively the same as when they married.

You are a very young man, and it's not too late to turn yourself around. Many of my patients are morbidly obese, and it is so incredibly sad to see what they have done to themselves, and all the health problems they have as a result. With the greatest amount of compassion, I urge you to get some help.

[THX]

I wanted to second the lap band suggestion. I know of three people who have done it and the results are the closest thing to magic youll ever see.

I think your wife is being really cool about the whole situation. Love and sexual attraction can work sinergistically but can also be seperate if one is drastically in lack.

You seem to be looking at it as she won't have sex with me so she doesn't really love me. She does love you and that's the only reason she's still there.

You want to bring your BEST self to a relationship. Not just whatever self is the easiest to maintain.

When you take off the rest of your weight you will not have won your wifes love back (it was there all along) you just fixed the seperate issue of sexually attractive appearance.

[TheGoodGuy]

I think you have made a VERY destructive decision by moving out of your marital bed. Women need affection and other types of intimacy before they can become aroused sexually. And seriously, at 300 pounds, I don't think it's fair for you to expect her to find you sexually attractive.

Also, at your current weight, I feel compelled to point out that impotency is a real problem (along with other cardiovascular problems), not to mention diabetes, respiratory issues, and stress to virtually every single organ in your body. You are literally killing yourself, and it's not her fault. Why should she find that acceptable or sexually attractive?

Please continue with your weight loss, and move back to your marital bed, so that when you are at a healthy weight, you will have a wife to cuddle up to. If you find it difficult to lose the weight, consider lap band surgery. It's very effective with minimal risk, and a lot of insurance companies will fund at least part of it.

I know my weight is a real problem, but to be honest it wasn't bothering me that much. Now she's said what she said, I understand and I don't blame her for finding it more difficult to want to be intimate with me. But she doesn't want to be intimate, and I respect that (and you guys seem to think this is reasonable too), and I don't want to be sharing a bed who doesn't find me attractive, yet that's wrong? We've both withdrawn somewhat.
I'm considering a gastric bypass - is that what you're referring to? A friend of mine recently almost died from the results of a gastric band, so this is out of the question for me right now. I live in the UK, so we have free healthcare, but it takes a while for anything to happen. My doctor asked me to lose some weight without surgical assistance first, which I've now done, and I have a follow up meeting on Tuesday. However, it may still be a year before I can have any kind of operation if any at all unless I really pile on the BS, which I'm not comfortable doing.

[TheGoodGuy]

Considering how enormous you are, I think you're wife's being pretty good about the whole thing, frankly. 340 pounds! My God, man. And walking around sulking because your wife no longer finds you sexually appealing. Take some responsibility for the current situation. You're not the victim here.

I'm not making out like I'm the victim, nor am I sulking. I'm sorry if you think I should just be able to take this in my stride, but I've not been able to do that. I don't blame her nor have I said at any point that what she's saying is wrong. I think maybe you're jumping to incorrect conclusions.

[vashti]

Please reconsider the gastric bypass. When things go wrong with them, they go REALLY wrong, and there is no turning back. Malnutrition, incisional hernias, dumping syndrome, and infection are not uncommon. In fact, one of my first patients was a woman with a gastric bypass that actually ate until her stomach perforated. With the lap band, the worst that happens is that it isn't working, and they take it out.

In my opinion, gastric bypass should only be considered (reluctantly) as a last resort.

[TheGoodGuy]

Please reconsider the gastric bypass. When things go wrong with them, they go REALLY wrong, and there is no turning back. Malnutrition, incisional hernias, dumping syndrome, and infection are not uncommon. In fact, one of my first patients was a woman with a gastric bypass that actually ate until her stomach perforated. With the lap band, the worst that happens is that it isn't working, and they take it out.

In my opinion, gastric bypass should only be considered (reluctantly) as a last resort.

Thanks for giving me something else to worry about, haha!

The way I feel now, with how my life is, I really don't care if it kills me. At least then the problem is solved. The band is also not without risk. The most risk-free way to lose weight is the way I have been doing, with the regular activity and being much more careful with eating. I've been going for swift walks and playing badminton and squash (I think you call this Racketball in the US?), usually between 3 and 6 times a week, depending on work and how my body is feeling (I get a fair amount of muscle strains and joint pain from this fairly intensive routine).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. Obviously the thought had crossed my mind, but I don't have the guts to do it and I wouldn't want to leave my family behind.

What's dumping syndrome?

Also, if you're a doctor, helping people all day, why the hell do you spend your spare time helping saddos like me on an internet forum? Haha, if that was my job, I'd be on a forum encouraging people to self-harm or something! (I kid, I kid). I work in a hospital too by the way, but I work in IT.

[vashti]

I'm not a doctor; I'm a nurse. I've never had a patient with a lap band complication, but I've had several with gastric bypass issues.

Dumping syndrome is what they call it when gastric contents are emptied too quickly into the small intestines, and cause symptoms like nausea, diarrhea, sweating, heart palpitations, dizziness and fainting. This is a permanent problem for those who end up affected... there is no cure - only ways to manage it, which includes laying down every single time you eat. Can you imagine doing that for the rest of your life?



Be careful about assuming the lap band is problematic. Surgeons make a lot more money performing a big surgery, and you can always progress from a lap band to a bypass. The reverse isn't true, though.

[vashti]

I don't want to be sharing a bed who doesn't find me attractive, yet that's wrong?

Don't you want to share your bed with someone who LOVES you, though?

[lahnnabell]

GoodGuy, you should listen to vash, and try not to take everything she's saying so personally. She's not saying you're a bad person, but she is asking you to recognize how much your letting yourself go has hurt your marriage. Maybe you want to believe most of it is your wife's fault and think her shallow, but YOU are the one that made the decision to abuse your body like this. And she is suffering because in a very real way she is NOT attracted to you. Would you want her to lie to you in the worst way and pretend so that you can feel better about all this? It wouldn't work that way anyway, and I think you know that.

Now I think that you are also attempting to punish her for her feelings by leaving your shared bed. It's like saying, "Okay, so you don't want to have sex with me. Why should I bother being close to you then?" I think you know you're kind of making a last ditch effort to throw it in her face especially now that you're refusing her advances to repair your relationship.

When you get married, you take a vow "till death do us part", but you also make a vow to care for one another. How do you think she should have gone about this then? She's probably doubtful that having a sensitive talk with you would have worked. It doesn't work like that for most people, and so people must resort to "tough love". So, while you feel wronged because she honestly not attracted to you right now and the way you've abused your body, she feels wronged by your lack of effort in staying healthy so that you guys can continue to enjoy the world together.