So, here's a bit of back story:
My current bf and I have been living together for 6 months and dating for 8. Prior to that, we shared mutual best friends and have been close since childhood. This relationship is a bit of a "dream come true" for me. I remember being the outcast, dorky girl checking out my man by the lockers in highschool. He was easily the most popular kid in school; handsome, rich and a bad boy. He took me out on a "secret date" when we were kids, it was the first time anyone had asked me out. Over the years after school, we both took very different paths. I pursued my education and built a foundation for myself, while he partied and had a considerably good time. All throughout the years, he had never dated a girl. NEVER had a girlfriend. Never even spent the night with the same women more then a couple times. He was kind of a player, only it was never a game to him. Bedding women was not something he focused on, it just came easily to him because of his sharp looks and aloof attitude. I on the other hand, have been in committed relationships from the age of 18 (2).
Anyhow, when we initially got together, he leveled with me. He explained to me that he loved me and that I was the only girl he had ever wanted to be with, however, his only experiences with women always resulted in him being a total jerk (his greatest pick up line was telling a girl to leave him the f alone!). He explained to me that he wanted to learn how to be a good man to me, but that he had NO idea how to be a boyfriend and asked to me to considerate of his failings.
The past 6 months, he has worked HARD. He has done so much for our family and has really stepped up to the plate. I have never been with a man who seems so dedicated to our relationship and to me. He makes me SOOO happy 90% of the time and honestly, I really love this guy.
Recently, a lot of big life changes have occurred for all of us. My parents are splitting up (and I'm relied upon heavily by my mother for emotional support) and I have just bought my first home, in a new province (so I could be closer to my mom). I'm under a LOT of stress. I have a very assertive personality and have a tendency to get very quiet and "smart" when provoked. Over the years, I have learned to control my anger by completely shutting off and walking away until I have the competency to address the issue objectively.
My boyfriend, is not like me. He's a simple man (self described) who likes simple words and simple interactions. He's a cowboy, born and raised who likes to tackle problems with all the grace of a three-legged water buffalo.
Lately he's expressed to me that he HATES it when I'm quiet towards him. He believes I'm doing it to provoke him. He explained to me that when we try to talk things out, I get all uppity and start acting like it's a press conference, using "big words" to intentionally confuse and trap him. He told me he would like it better if I just freaked out and acted like an animal, throwing things or attacking him. He believes that I speak the way I do because I don't want to hear him out and my only motivation is to confuse him so I can win the argument.
Okay. Well like I said to him, THAT is NOT my intention and I had NO idea he had been feeling this way. I handle altercations the way I do, because that's how I've been conditioned. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been groomed to act a certain way under the pressure of conflict. It is second nature to me and I don't even realize I'm doing it until it's brought to my attention.
Last night we got into a fight, made up and cuddled on the couch watching GOT until 2am.
In our relationship, traditional gender roles are encouraged, to an extent. We have expectations for one another and most of the time, they're often met. I'm expected to make him his stupid sandwich everyday for work. I don't mind, it's not exactly a difficult task.
At around midnight after we had been fighting all evening, we made love. I tried to get up afterwards to make his lunch. He pulled me down, cuddled me up and said there was no way he was letting me go. So I nestled in and we watched TV. We fell asleep, then woke up. Holy**** it's 2am and he had to be at work just a few hours later. Soooooo, I head to the kitchen. Again, he pulls me into the bedroom, talking about how it's way to late to make a sandwich and I should just come to bed. Morning time comes around and it's time for him to leave. I didn't want to have sex with him because I was just too tired and wanted to remain asleep (I have a 3 year old son that I take care of, and I work from home as well). So he took care of himself, complaining about it the whole time. He comes to my side of the bed, wakes me up and says "I'm leaving in 4 minutes, 2 of those will be spent in the truck, so you have 2 minutes to make my lunch". I'm not a morning person.....and that really pissed me off. Before I could stop myself I said, "Oh, and I suppose If I don't run to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, I'll have ruined your day..." Before he could respond, I got up, went to the kitchen and started making his &*)$ing sandwiches. He picked them up and acted all lovey at me while I was trying to find him some snacks. My hands were full of food, and he comes up to hug me. For obvious reasons (and yeah, because I was bitchy) I didn't reciprocate the affection. Before I could even explain myself, he looked at me with such hatred and called me an f-ing stunned c**t, in a very quiet, mean voice. He continued, asking me why I had to be such an f-ing b**** all the time, then lost it slightly, going "huh, HUH?!", he walked out the door while still going off about me being a stupid b****, then slammed the door and left.
Today is not a good day. I have to help my mother with a variety of legal documents, arrange an estimate for a project I'm doing and NOW, I get to worry about dealing with Mr.A-hole when he gets home tonight. Any advice as to how I should handle things? Normally, I would be very quiet and aloof. I would not likely speak to him at all until he apologized and would be inclined to do anything he asked of me, in silence. However, doing that will REALLY piss him off.
A few months ago he lashed out towards me in a similar way....however he had also downed a significant amount of rum! This is the first time he has ever been hurtful towards me in such a tactless way. I'm finding it a bit hard to take.
Wooo!! It feels good to vent!! Sorry for all the spelling/grammar errors. I'm stressed out.