My boyfriend is being al jerk.

[Nightshade]

So, here's a bit of back story:

My current bf and I have been living together for 6 months and dating for 8. Prior to that, we shared mutual best friends and have been close since childhood. This relationship is a bit of a "dream come true" for me. I remember being the outcast, dorky girl checking out my man by the lockers in highschool. He was easily the most popular kid in school; handsome, rich and a bad boy. He took me out on a "secret date" when we were kids, it was the first time anyone had asked me out. Over the years after school, we both took very different paths. I pursued my education and built a foundation for myself, while he partied and had a considerably good time. All throughout the years, he had never dated a girl. NEVER had a girlfriend. Never even spent the night with the same women more then a couple times. He was kind of a player, only it was never a game to him. Bedding women was not something he focused on, it just came easily to him because of his sharp looks and aloof attitude. I on the other hand, have been in committed relationships from the age of 18 (2).

Anyhow, when we initially got together, he leveled with me. He explained to me that he loved me and that I was the only girl he had ever wanted to be with, however, his only experiences with women always resulted in him being a total jerk (his greatest pick up line was telling a girl to leave him the f alone!). He explained to me that he wanted to learn how to be a good man to me, but that he had NO idea how to be a boyfriend and asked to me to considerate of his failings.

The past 6 months, he has worked HARD. He has done so much for our family and has really stepped up to the plate. I have never been with a man who seems so dedicated to our relationship and to me. He makes me SOOO happy 90% of the time and honestly, I really love this guy.

Recently, a lot of big life changes have occurred for all of us. My parents are splitting up (and I'm relied upon heavily by my mother for emotional support) and I have just bought my first home, in a new province (so I could be closer to my mom). I'm under a LOT of stress. I have a very assertive personality and have a tendency to get very quiet and "smart" when provoked. Over the years, I have learned to control my anger by completely shutting off and walking away until I have the competency to address the issue objectively.

My boyfriend, is not like me. He's a simple man (self described) who likes simple words and simple interactions. He's a cowboy, born and raised who likes to tackle problems with all the grace of a three-legged water buffalo.

Lately he's expressed to me that he HATES it when I'm quiet towards him. He believes I'm doing it to provoke him. He explained to me that when we try to talk things out, I get all uppity and start acting like it's a press conference, using "big words" to intentionally confuse and trap him. He told me he would like it better if I just freaked out and acted like an animal, throwing things or attacking him. He believes that I speak the way I do because I don't want to hear him out and my only motivation is to confuse him so I can win the argument.

Okay. Well like I said to him, THAT is NOT my intention and I had NO idea he had been feeling this way. I handle altercations the way I do, because that's how I've been conditioned. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been groomed to act a certain way under the pressure of conflict. It is second nature to me and I don't even realize I'm doing it until it's brought to my attention.


Last night we got into a fight, made up and cuddled on the couch watching GOT until 2am.
In our relationship, traditional gender roles are encouraged, to an extent. We have expectations for one another and most of the time, they're often met. I'm expected to make him his stupid sandwich everyday for work. I don't mind, it's not exactly a difficult task.

At around midnight after we had been fighting all evening, we made love. I tried to get up afterwards to make his lunch. He pulled me down, cuddled me up and said there was no way he was letting me go. So I nestled in and we watched TV. We fell asleep, then woke up. Holy**** it's 2am and he had to be at work just a few hours later. Soooooo, I head to the kitchen. Again, he pulls me into the bedroom, talking about how it's way to late to make a sandwich and I should just come to bed. Morning time comes around and it's time for him to leave. I didn't want to have sex with him because I was just too tired and wanted to remain asleep (I have a 3 year old son that I take care of, and I work from home as well). So he took care of himself, complaining about it the whole time. He comes to my side of the bed, wakes me up and says "I'm leaving in 4 minutes, 2 of those will be spent in the truck, so you have 2 minutes to make my lunch". I'm not a morning person.....and that really pissed me off. Before I could stop myself I said, "Oh, and I suppose If I don't run to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, I'll have ruined your day..." Before he could respond, I got up, went to the kitchen and started making his &*)$ing sandwiches. He picked them up and acted all lovey at me while I was trying to find him some snacks. My hands were full of food, and he comes up to hug me. For obvious reasons (and yeah, because I was bitchy) I didn't reciprocate the affection. Before I could even explain myself, he looked at me with such hatred and called me an f-ing stunned c**t, in a very quiet, mean voice. He continued, asking me why I had to be such an f-ing b**** all the time, then lost it slightly, going "huh, HUH?!", he walked out the door while still going off about me being a stupid b****, then slammed the door and left.

Today is not a good day. I have to help my mother with a variety of legal documents, arrange an estimate for a project I'm doing and NOW, I get to worry about dealing with Mr.A-hole when he gets home tonight. Any advice as to how I should handle things? Normally, I would be very quiet and aloof. I would not likely speak to him at all until he apologized and would be inclined to do anything he asked of me, in silence. However, doing that will REALLY piss him off.

A few months ago he lashed out towards me in a similar way....however he had also downed a significant amount of rum! This is the first time he has ever been hurtful towards me in such a tactless way. I'm finding it a bit hard to take.


Wooo!! It feels good to vent!! Sorry for all the spelling/grammar errors. I'm stressed out.

[michelle23]

I would run a mile from him. you have already wasted 8 months on him, dont waste anymore. Gender roles? ppfftt its 2013 for christ sake. and id never trust a guy at his age who has never had 1 relationship and has obviously treated women like crap for the past 5+ years. Your making excuses for him and hes gonna break your heart. His anger is a warning sign too. Next it will be a slap in the face. I wouldnt want him around me or my child.

[Nightshade]

I really love this guy, so it's hard to even think about leaving him over a shitty morning....
In my eyes, he contributes a lot to our family and works very hard to take care of everyone.
He HASN'T been a great guy to women, that is true. And I am his first girlfriend that has lasted more then 2 days.....but for some reason, that doesn't scare me as much as it should. I hope I'm not making excuses for him.

He has always had very good control over his anger, towards females, specifically, he's never been physically aggressive with any girl that I'm aware of. But he does have a reputation for being mean and hurting feelings. However as I said, this is the first time he has EVER been so unkind to me, aside from that one time....which doesn't count because he had waaaay too much to drink.

I just DO NOT want to offend him by trying to keep the peace. I feel very lost.
I'm so surprised at what transpired this morning, I really have no idea how to handle the situation when he gets home. I feel like I should apologize, but I don't really feel that's justified. Yes I was a bitch, but I feel I had every right to be unhappy this morning.

It's a conundrum.

I wish I knew how to talk to him.

[michelle23]

girl the honeymoon period is fading and his true colors are starting to show. soon he will be cheating on you, lying to you and picking fights with you every 5 mins-thats if hes not doing that already. i hate how you refer to the three of you as family. hes only been around 8months. its not fair to your child to act as if hes her dad. you could break up tomorrow and he will want nothing to do with your baby. its wrong and you should be ashamed

[Nightshade]

I'm sorry you feel so strongly about my criteria for the word family. I don't feel as if I should be ashamed for having him involved with my child and to the best of my abilities, I feel I have taken appropriate steps in integrating everyone with consideration to the more complicated aspects of our family dynamic. My child is not in anyway coerced into treating my boyfriend as a dad and has a very good relationship with his biological father and his new family as well.

Seeing as how my child has no real relevance to my question today(or how and why I chose to introduce them to one another), I don't feel it's necessary to comment further on the subject, but I appreciate you taking the time to offer your opinion.

I think you're probably correct when you speculate that the honeymoon phase is over. I need to figure out how to effectively communicate with my boyfriend so I don't inadvertently ruin a very good thing.

Aside from our difficulty interacting during conflict, we have a very good relationship. Our fighting styles are very, very, different. I'm willing to try to work on how I deal with confrontation. I don't want to make things worse and I certainly DO NOT want sacrifice what we have (and what we have is very fulfilling) over something that (at this point), so small.

He is upset at the way I make him FEEL. I have to respect that and try to do better.
That I'm quiet and carefully choose my words when arguing.........he perceives that behavior as me just being a cold, condescending bitch.

[Nightshade]

Maybe I AM just making excuses for him. But I can see where he's coming from.

[michelle23]

i didnt mean to offend or upset you. this guy just sounds like real bad news to me and i think you should consider what kinda role model he is for your child.

i dont trust men who sleep around like that for years and i think its bull that women were throwing themselves at him. if he ever wanted a real relationship-he would have had one but id say its just the thrill of the chase that he likes, he gets bored fairly fast and he prob has a problem with women in general.

the fact he shouted at you like that calling you a slut is a huge red flag. he had no right to say those hurtful things especially when it is not true. id say he has a lot of anger bubbling inside him, this is the start of ut-he is volatile.

he has no self-respect and no respect for women.

he shouldnt expect you to make him sandwiches on a whim like that either. thats another red flag. he forced you to get outa bed to do that.. if he was half decent he would have left you lie in this once, make his own sandwich and not cause world war 3.

and he was angry that you wouldnt have sex with him. its like he says jump and expects you to say how high. he has double standards and doesnt see you as his equal and throws a tantrum if he doesnt get his own way.

you are making excuses for him. id already have kicked him out and changed theocks by now if i were you but then again-i wouldnt go for his type in the first place

[Woods]

Noitice how he wants everything on his terms. I'm not a supporter of passive, silent treatment in a relationship but I'd bet anything that this is nothing to do with that and mostly to do with you being the first woman who has ever challenged him. He got rowdy this morning because you showed resistance, nothing more or less.

The fact is this guy has had what he wants from women all his adult life. That's fine when you're single. Now hes in a relationship and he wants it the same. So now hes ready to say he loves someone, and wants a relationship... so what? You are still like the others in the sense that this is all about his needs.

[Nightshade]

Wow Woods, that really hit home for me.
I'd never thought of it that way before. Thank you.

Any advice on how I can bring this to his attention, or otherwise take steps to remedying the situation?
I don't believe he's even aware that he's behaving in that way, or what the antecedents could be. I say this because, as noted, I'm very happy with all other aspects of our relationship and this "lashing out" only just occurred. I think this could have been going on for a while now and neither of us has realized it, due to the generally content state we're usually in.

Perhaps the only remedy is time/maturity.

[michelle23]

no the only remedy is to find a man who sees you as his equal, who has emotional intelligence, knows how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner, doesnt expect you to be his mother and is prepared to give and take.

you could try talking about it but i really doubt things will get better-just get worse and worse.

and how can you trust a guy like that long term? you really cant

[Nightshade]

I guess that could be part of the problem michelle23, he's the only man I've met who I do actually feel is trustworthy....

Ha! Maybe I AM being ignorant....

Some days, I do wish I were a simple creature who acted on impulse! It would make relationships a lot less complicated...

[Woods]

I'm not sure what he wants you to do to help. I know being quiet is your way of processing things, and there is nothing wrong with that, it certainly has its time and its place, for instance if you are really angry over something and need to chill before speaking. Ironically, it sounds like he could do with taking a leaf out of your book next time he wants to bad mouth you!

Although if it's not that type of really heated situation then it can only help to have an open dialogue. I'd just make it very simple for him, seeing as that is what he is asking, by stating 'when you do *this*, I feel like *this*. It would help me if instead we could try *this*. Lots of emphasis on the solution and less on the problem. Then he has his turn. No throwing things, lashing out, or him calling you names. If that doesn't help him then you may have to accept that perhaps, he doesn't want you to have your say, he just wants to call the shots and have you accept it. Hope that helps.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This guy is legendary. Truly epic. I applaud his efforts.

So my only question is, why did he have to wake you up to make his lunch? Shouldn't you have had your ass in the kitchen before he was out of the shower?

[Valixy]

One thing is having gender roles encouraged in a relationship and another one is to be so selfish and inconsiderate with your partner as he was. Could he have been sexually frustrated for refusing to sleep with him again in the morning? But is that a way to carry on, getting you out of bed and giving you 2 army minutes to make his lunch? So next thing he wanted was food and as soon as you provided that for him, he was nice and loving again. He seems to be indeed a simple individual who needs to have his primary needs covered like sex and food or he will become aggressive and rude to you. Maybe you should ask yourself, how often will you see this side of him and how often will you be capable of putting up with it without loosing your self-respect and affection for him? He might be too simple and too brute for you in the long run. You can try to adjust and establish communication but if you get tired after a while, you're not to blame. He either proves himself to be capable to process the interaction with you too, or no matter how much loyalty and stability he provides to the relationship, he will end up ruining it. You might need a little miracle with this man and I don't know if you believe in miracles.

[VerticalMoon]

I see so many issues and red flags in what you just wrote. Since you're not ready to give up on the relationship, I'll just say the only way it won't continue and get worse is if he's serious about wanting to change. If he feels like he can get away with it, he will keep backsliding into the behavior, and it will become even more of a problem. If I was you, I would look him straight in the eye and say in a serious, no non-sense voice, "The language you used with me this morning is NOT acceptable. If you talk to me that way ever again, I will leave you." I'm serious here. He is verbally abusing you. There is so much evidence that if that continues, it will wreak havoc on your psychological well-being and on your child's well-being. The last thing you should be doing is side-stepping the issue to please him. If he can't understand why his behavior would warrant such a serious reaction, then you might as well end things now.

If you think you come off as being passive-aggressive when you're mad, then you can work on that. But he needs to show that he's serious about changing his argument style as well, especially since his style seems a lot more dangerous than yours.