Evenin' all,
This is my first post, so here goes!
Basically I feel like I am my own worst enemy when it comes to love and relationships.
I'm 20, I've never had a girlfriend! Not even close...Though I know that I'm not even in sight of the point where I should actually worry...
In the past I've been knocked back by girls who I thought could find it within themselves to feel the same way about me as I did of them. I can think of a couple seperate examples of this, whereby these ladies have been close friends for more than a year's time, during which I myself built up an admiration or strong feeling for. And each time I admitted the truth about them, they reacted badly and either cut me off or just plain didn't want me.
On example includes a girl who I got on with extremely well and we had loads of laughs and general good times with. She was single and beautiful, and had a bit of a nerd within, beneath her 'cool' exterior. Well, when she discovered how I honestly felt about her (by word of mouth from one of my 'friends'), the response she gave was basically 'I couldn't, not after going out with my Ex who was extremely popular etc, it would put me a few rungs down the social ladder'
That hurt. But it was quick to see that the girl had issues.
The second example played out the same, however this girl just reacted badly and cut me off, one day we were great friends and the next - I couldn't get a word in.
When these things happen, I can't help but believe all the signs: "Why would they want me when they can have someone else?"
Try as I might, this defeating motto seems to rear it's ugly head If have the bare-faced cheek to fall for someone.
It makes me shy in person and dialogue, yet outspoken in action and meaningful gesture. It makes me incredibly nervous to admit to any degree that I feel any way about someone, but I still try to break out of my own cage, tiny step by tiny step. By which I mean I would put a lot of thought, time and money into surprising a girl on her birthday or other occasion, and pay constant consideration to them in every way I can think of whether they realise or not, yet I would be quite sheepish face-to-face and scared of stepping on toes.
I have come to realise that I have a huge self-confidence issue when it comes to women. I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to be with me, and I'd find it even harder to be comfortable in the glaring eyes of others if that ever became the case, as if I was somehow commiting a major crime by being loved.
This also makes me quite timid and makes casual flirting nearly impossible unless with someone who's even more recluse than myself in that area. I feel like I don't stand out because I am far too cautious and careful about respecting the lady I care about most, that I don't act like a potential partner, but instead more like a friendly grandad! I feel like what's going on in my head is completely different from what I can convey in my body language...
I am concerned that my gentle demeanour is handicapping me when other lads of my age and older are much more forward in the way they speak, drool and generally ogle over girls. Behaviour which I would quite frankly be disgusted to see myself stoop to! But I have a hard time understanding that when it makes their targets laugh, blush and respond much more positively than a please-thankyou-cheers...
Flirtatious, provocative, sexy and spontaneous are all in my vocabulary.......just not when it's directed at someone who isn't 'with' you! This is my major stumbling block!
So I need your words of wisdom! I'm not a social shut-in, I'm not a dropout and I'm far from ugly! I'm certain I have all the ingredients in my personality to make someone happy, all but ONE: CONFIDENCE.
It is self defeating - I don't believe I will ever change unless I find a woman who can break the chain, but I don't think I will ever get that woman if I carry on like I do!