new guy, long story, need some help/advice

[blackzj52]

ok ill start with some background
my girlfriend and i both started dating summer after my junior year of high school (i just graduated this year, gonna be a freshman in college this fall)
were both 18. shes going to the same college as me cuz she wanted to be with me.

we started dating and it was absolute magic. it was amazing, within the first 3 weeks we started saying "i love you". we were happy, we could talk about anything and enjoy just being with each other. about 2 weeks in we started getting into sexual stuff and we both really enjoyed it and we had sex alot that summer. our relationship was not sexually based tho (we were each others firsts, so we took each others virginity because we thought we were the right person for one another). there was a lot of romance tho and thats why it was like that. we loved each other more than anything.
so we go through summer, everything is perfect, im in paradise.

senior year of high school comes up, im played soccer, she played field hockey, so we were both busy but we still managed to see each toher about every other day, of the week, if not more.
we didnt go to the same school btw, altho she lives about 1/2 mile down the same street as me.

she was also very active in both her choir and theater programs (yeah she was in theater but she was no nerd)
she couldnt go 24 hours without seeing me before she started texting me "i miss you".. and i loved that. and i would miss her too
so november came (we were both done with sports) i came down with mono and prolly didnt see her for a week but i didnt really notice cuz i was too busy sleeping. she missed me so much, she came over and she kissed me and didnt care if she got the mono, she just wanted to kiss me that much because she missed me. turns out she had the mono and i got it from her but hers wasnt bad at all.

so december and january roll around and now she is having rehearsals everyday of the week cept weekend and she is busy with theater but i still was seeing her almost everyday. about this time i started getting a little irritated cuz of a couple things and some small arguments broke out, just small things. oh and we were still having sex oftenly up to this point.

then feb rolls around and my life goes to hell. she has theater everyday, work, and choir 2 days a week and it gets to the point where i dont see her except for on weekends (if that). so i get upset and start getting mad and bitching (prolly not the best thing but when i get mad i bitch). she says shes sorry and the next 2 months r gonna be rough and she doesnt know if she has time for me and she says its unfair for me to have to put up with it but she didnt want me to dump her cuz she needed me and loved me more than everything, the whole 9 yards.
it gets to the point where shes hanging out with her friends a bunch from theater and choir and im maybe seeing her once a week for like an hour and now im pissed. i bitch, i guilt trip her (its something i do altho i really dont mean to and i dont like to, but i just do ) and she hates that. she hated when i would get negative so she suggested a break, i say **** no ill go suicidal...which i could see myself doing that actually... :/ she says ok well there wont be too much time for me. we go like 6 weeks at a time without having sex
so naturally, i start getting sexually frustrated and get angry. i take it out on her, which i regret, and thats how it goes til about may. may 20 was our one year and things started looking a little better then. still not back to normal yet.

so may-june rolls around, were off for the summer, so we start going to our friends grad parties and we start hanging out with these 2 guys who were in theater with her. i never liked the one to begin with but i gave the prick a chance. i always got a gay vibe from him but im not so sure of that anymore.
so we hang out with these 2 a bunch, well not just them but with other people also but they were always there. my girlfriend says she bonds better with guys and i beleive her, she has a bunch of guy friends, a good amount of them have girlfriends, no problem. these two dont. so i started noticing they would make comments sometimes to her about her "he do you ever notice nobody stares at ur face when theyr talking to you, they always look at ur boobs" and i was PISSED. i turn around and before i could say anything she looks at him and says i dont think John (me) appreciates that, and its a little over the line. so that starts dying down, turns out they both like another girl (one of my gfs best friends) and they both like compete for girls, whether it be my gfs 2 friends, or my girlfriends attention when shes the only girl around. now she likes them as friends and hangs out with them a bunch, im invited to hang out with them almost all the time and i go, to make sure nothing happens, and i want to be with her. but i always get in a bad mood when im around them, well when theyr both around, or just the one. the other one is ok if his friend isnt around.
so these 2 make me uncomfortable when my gf is around them cuz i dont trust them, but what makes it so difficult is my gf is kinda close to them, as friends. and they make her laugh and shit, and that makes me really jealous. im the jealous type even if she just likes them as friends. i dont like seeing my girlfriend have more fun with other people than with me, it jsut drives me crazy. cuz i know the summer before she would always ditch her friends to be with me cuz she had so much fun with me. and i always dwell on that summer because it was just perfect.
so, these 2 assholes lead us to a couple fights (my gf and i). i tell her i dont like them, that they make me uncomfortable and i admit i feel a little insecure (because of all that happened the past couple months with never being able to see her, we just didnt have that same bond we used to and i want/ed it back).
shes says ok ok, so we go about a week or so without seeing them (which made me happy) then we see them again and im annoyed. and this happens for about a month. bringing us to july
she starts getting annoyed/mad at me cuz if this and says i dont like any of her friends blah blah, which is untrue, i just dont like these 2.



so ill jump forward to what just happened. friday night the one guy invites her to a flogging molly concert, along with the girl he likes and with a couple of their friends. i dont get invited naturally and i really think that if she wanted me to go, i woulda gotten invited, but she was kinda annoyed with me.
so i get pissed, guilt trip her a little (yes i know bad idea) and shit and she gets mad. shes out till like 2 and when shes with me she always goes home around like 11 or 12 cuz shes tired cuz she works alot (and she had to work the next morning)
so im at my friends and go home and fly by her house full throttle (i have a v8 jeep with a cut off muffler and its really loud) she hears me and texts me "wtf is ur problem" i tell her and she goes "i need a break"
i freak out, and she says "i love you, but i just dont know if im in love with you right now"
now that breaks my heart. (this was like 2am saturday morning, its now monday and im a mess)
i talk to her and tell her i love her more than anything in the world and that i adore her and dont wanna lose her and all that stuff (which i really mean)
oh and i forgot to mention, the week before we had a discussion and it lead to her crying in my arms saying "i dont wanna lose you, i love you so much, you mean the world to me"

so now its the other way around. weds evening everthing was fine with us, shye was happy and everything. now this.
so we were supposed to have dinner on saturday but she said she needed some time and space but we had agreed to go to dinner after she said she needed a break that morning. we ended up not getting dinner. im an absolute mess. im crying my guts out (and im not the type of guy who cries).
so i go to see her at work the next day, she works at steak n shake and i usually went in there got a burger, and got her some fries to eat while she worked cuz she was hungry. she wasnt hungry that day nor was i. she saw me and said "i cant do this right now, im at work, i cant get upset here" i say "i just wanted to come see you and maybe get you some fries to eat" and im fighting back tears the whole time i said that and she could tell cuz she fought them back too. so i had a coke and she kinda stood there like ok so what do you want? and i just decided i should leave. we gave each other a sheepish hug and i left.
i text her that evening, like 1am and ask her if i could talk to her, i just wanted to see how her day was she said "can i just get some space please? "
"ok. goodnight"
"night"
"i love you" (me)
"love you too"
"i hope you mean it"
no repsonse

[blackzj52]

so i text her the next morning and ask her if we can get dinner that night (sunday, yesterday) she says, yeah but she didnt think it wasa good idea. so aftter talkinga bout it i decided against it. later she texts me and says do you want to go to dinner? my mom says dont do it (she doesnt know the who i love you thing but she knows i got mad at her), she says have a little self respect and for once dont be available. which iv done before, but right now im a mess and just want to see her, talk to her, hold her hand, give her a big hug. so i got to do all that. we sat down at dinner and talked.
she said i was being controlling about what friends she could hang out with and i said well they make me uncomfortable, she says well its not just them, uv been like this for the past 3 months.
which i didnt realize and i totally didnt mean to be that way. so shes telling ,me this and that, im being controlling, im always checking where she is, im always supervising her, and that she always has to run things by me otherwise i get mad. now thats not true. sometimes she doesnt tell me shes haning out wit her friends and im left sitting around home, so i like it if she gives me some notice so i can make plans to. i explain this. she says ok.
then she looks at my arms (i had cut myself the other night cuz i was so upset, like alot, not on my wrist tho, yes i know not a good thing to do but i was so upset) there was one othertime about a month earlier when i did cuz i was upset and she told me that night before i did it (the first time) that she never wants to see me hurt and she worries about me (i tend to be wild, i love to be crazy, iv got adhd, i love to speed, i love to do stupid shit that i might get hurt doing, but i have some control over myself. i dont do drugs or alcohol tho and neither does she)
so we had jsut had a fight and i was like "well its ironic we were talking about ur friend who was cutting himself earlier"
"why"
....no response from me. she burst into tears saying dont do that i dont wanna see you hurt and stuff. and despite how upset i was, it was one of the sweetest, most caring things shes said in awhile to me.
anyways, she saw i cut myself the next day and freaked out and said i cant be with someone who does that, dont do it again.
but i was so upset it did.
so she got mad, but that was kind of a good thing i think, cuz it showed me she still loved me deep down but was just really upset with me that she couldnt find that love.
but i held her hand and i would squeeze it and she would squeeze back. then one time she went to move her hair out of her face, then she reached right back for my hand and held it some more.
and that was the end of that. i mentioned that to her and she said she still didnt know if she was in love with me or not but she did love me. i tell her, i want it all or nothing. i dont wanna be friends (cuz i would always want to still be more than a friend, and she would maybe not? and that would be too hard for me)
she got upset but i explained myself but i think it showed her, hey, im the real deal, i really give 2 shits about you, i really do adore you, i want you in my life as more than a friend.
so that was the end of that, and were here today, and i havnt talked to her at all today.


i need ur advice and any input you may have. i dont think she can go from loving me a couple days before to not loving me anymore, i just think shes really upset with me. what do you think?
also, what can i do? just sitting around waiting is so hard. i feel helpless. i know she needs space but its so hard.
what can i do? i send her little messages like "i miss you" or "i love you" just to feel like im trying and also letting her know how much i care about her

sorry for the book long post but i felt it would help if you guys knew some background to better help me out.
im feeling depressed and broken hearted and need help/guidance

[Cain]

While reading your post I wanted to respond to nearly everything... and I honestly don't even know where to start.

You guys moved to fast in my opinion. Saying you loved each other after the first three weeks was a mistake. It put a burden on the relationship early on whether you see it now or not. And of course the first summer was amazing... you were still in the infatuation stage. The beginning of ANY relationship is amazing.

You do seem to be controlling. You act irritated when she hangs out with her friends and that was going to drive her away. You shouldn't have to always hang out with her when she's around friends. You have to trust that she won't do anything and you have to trust that she can handle herself if a guy hits on her. Now, if one of those guys tried to do something with her and she continued to be alone with them, then you would have a reason to talk to her about it.

Your next mistake was to not give her space when she asked for it. By constantly texting and calling her, you're just pushing her away. You're coming off as a desperate loser that can't stand to be away from her. That's going to drive her crazy and make her want to make this break more permanent. You need to man the hell up and live your life. If she realizes she wants you afterwards, fine, but maybe a break with no talking for a few weeks is what you both need.

And you said you cut yourself? That's so ****ing stupid. I have no sympathy for suicides. There are so many more people that have it so much worse than you and yet they aren't cutting themselves. Also, it doesn't even seem like you were trying to kill yourself. You were doing it for the attention. If you weren't, you wouldn't have told her. You just told her that you did it so that she'd feel guilty. You need to stop that guilt trip shit because you're showing signs of a very manipulative and controlling guy and you're barely even 18.

You need counseling and I suggest you do it immediately.

[blackzj52]

thanks i really needed to hear that from someone else.
i meant taht sincerely. iv been telling myself that but i just cant get a grip. thanks for taking the time to read that.

and no i didnt cut myself for attention. she just saw it. i know its stupid. i really know that. but im no where near EMO.
i do realize i have bad habits when taking out anger, and i hate that.

again, thank you for ur time. ur right in everything ur saying.

altho i will say this, i have been hanging out with my friends during these few days, i just spent the night at my best friends house and we were up til 7 laughing our asses off playing video games and such. so its not like im constantly moping around about this. im trying to keep myself busy as much as i can



edit: just for the hell of it, im gonna through out a pic of us.
this was us after my senior night game. she made a shirt with my name and number on it, wore it to HER school, when we were playing her schools team that night. i love her.
if u wanna see the pic copy those two sections of the url, its not letting me post the pic or the link cuz i dont ahve 15 posts yet
add h ttp:// before of course
s48.photobucket.com/albums/f246/GoldenGreek75/me/?action=view&current=img_2901.jpg

[Cain]

and no i didnt cut myself for attention. she just saw it. i know its stupid. i really know that. but im no where near EMO.

If you didn't cut yourself for attention, then why did you tell her in text "ironic that we were talking about a friend that cut themself"...? You knew what she would assume.

[blackzj52]

If you didn't cut yourself for attention, then why did you tell her in text "ironic that we were talking about a friend that cut themself"...? You knew what she would assume.

oooh. that was the first time and it was before i went home and did that.
i was so upset it just slipped out...
i know im dumb at times. im adhd and when i go awhile without taking my medicine i get alittle loopy.
iv got some issues and i understand that

[Citycat]

That was one looong post.

Cain's right. The cutting shit has to go, the guilt tripping as well, unless you wanna make her break with you instantly and permanently. Trust her more. She won't cheat on you with those 2 boys. Why not? Simple cos she could have done that by now and she didn't. How would you like your g/f to constantly nag you about your friends or family? If you get back together, don't criticize her about her friends. Show her you changed. Even if those 2 guys continue to irritate you, better chew a pillow when you get back home rather than display your anger in her presence. You have to be sweet, reliable, calm and stable, especially until you consolidate the relationship. What to do right now? Well, act sweet and caring toward her. Be gentle and don't manipulate her. Maybe buy her some flowers, go to her and apologize for your behavior, tell her you're sorry and that you'll try to be nicer to her in the future (and really be!), tell her you'd like her back and that she doesn't have to answer you now (give her that space), tell her you'll be there for her,etc.

Good luck!

[blackzj52]

If you didn't cut yourself for attention, then why did you tell her in text "ironic that we were talking about a friend that cut themself"...? You knew what she would assume.

That was one looong post.

Cain's right. The cutting shit has to go, the guilt tripping as well, unless you wanna make her break with you instantly and permanently. Trust her more. She won't cheat on you with those 2 boys. Why not? Simple cos she could have done that by now and she didn't. How would you like your g/f to constantly nag you about your friends or family? If you get back together, don't criticize her about her friends. Show her you changed. Even if those 2 guys continue to irritate you, better chew a pillow when you get back home rather than display your anger in her presence. You have to be sweet, reliable, calm and stable, especially until you consolidate the relationship. What to do right now? Well, act sweet and caring toward her. Be gentle and don't manipulate her. Maybe buy her some flowers, go to her and apologize for your behavior, tell her you're sorry and that you'll try to be nicer to her in the future (and really be!), tell her you'd like her back and that she doesn't have to answer you now (give her that space), tell her you'll be there for her,etc.

Good luck!

thank you.
you guys r really helping out.
i realize what all im doing wrong when i look back at everything and especially with all of you pointing things out to me.
i really dont mean to be like this. when its just me and her and were out on a date, im wonderful to her and i treat her like gold. i suppose i do need to make a point to her and tell her i really do trust her. iv made it apparent i dont, and for awhile i wasnt sure if i did or not. but now i think i do.

i was gonna get some flowers for her but i was also thinking she wants her space..
do you think i should take flowers to her, despite her wanting space?
i dont wanna screw this up anymore than i already have
i really love this girl and could see myself with her for a long time. weve talked about getting married and stuff. actually no, we always say we are going to. i need to turn things around, im realizing everything thats happening is because of me and its not her fault.

[Citycat]

Well, I told you that if you're gonna go to her and give her flowers, you should be there briefly, just to say something like this "I'm sorry for breaking (?) your space, I just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry for my behavior in the past, I've realized I shouldn't have done what I did... I love you and want you back. Take your time, think about it and let me know." Then apologize for taking her time once again, turn and go home and wait to see what she'll do (if she doesn't do anything on the spot)

[blackzj52]

thanks, ill give that a shot. thats exactly what i was gonna do but i wasnt sure if i should since she wanted space

[Cain]

I honestly think you should do what she asked. Don't give her flowers. Don't contact her until she contacts you. Whether you're there only briefly or not, you're STILL not giving her what she wants. She's heard all she needs to hear for now.

[blackzj52]

i took her some flowers.
i called her first tho to see if it was ok, well i just asked if shed be home and that i wanted to bring her something. she said ok.
i get there, tell her im sorry for basically being a total asshole (and i meant it) blah blah.
go to give her a hug and she pulls me in and held on to me real tight... that was a comforting feeling..
she thanked me for the flowers and i told her "hey, ill be right here waiting for me when you decide to come back, and ill give you space"
and she said she appreciated that

i think she still loves me..
any ideas?

[Cain]

i took her some flowers.
i called her first tho to see if it was ok, well i just asked if shed be home and that i wanted to bring her something. she said ok.
i get there, tell her im sorry for basically being a total asshole (and i meant it) blah blah.
go to give her a hug and she pulls me in and held on to me real tight... that was a comforting feeling..
she thanked me for the flowers and i told her "hey, ill be right here waiting for me when you decide to come back, and ill give you space"
and she said she appreciated that

i think she still loves me..
any ideas?

The next time you give her a hug reach down and grab her ass... massage it... whisper in her ear how much you want to ravage her in the bedroom.

She won't want any space then.

[blackzj52]

The next time you give her a hug reach down and grab her ass... massage it... whisper in her ear how much you want to ravage her in the bedroom.

She won't want any space then.

hahahaahaha i wish it were that simple

[Cain]

hahahaahaha i wish it were that simple

You'll never know until you try it.

And if she says no, just gag her. She won't be able to stop you then!