help- manager breaking my heart and relationship.

[anon1212]

Hi all,

Wow, so judging by some of your posts on here, this problem is going to sound pretty trivial. But let me tell you, it's driving me absolutely insane and I could really do with some advice. Like, seriously, I'm holed up in bed drinking at 2 O'Clock in the afternoon. Ignore the fact that I am borderline depressive and it seems serious, right?

So, here is the situation. Let me give you a bit of background info first of all: I live with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We're in our early twenties and haven't slept together in over a month. We moved in together too quickly and nowadays I try to work as much as possible to escape the arguments that ensue when we spend time together. We don't seem to enjoy each other's company any more. However, he is the kindest most genuine man I have ever known and I do still love him.

The complication arises with my job. I have fallen for my manager. I know, alarm bells. But he started it. He is almost ten years older than me, yet I don't think I've ever met anyone who understands me so well. Cliche, I know. The problem is, I do not understand him. I started this new job about two months ago and since then I have jacked in my uni degree, started drinking too much and gone off the rails a little. I have also really begun to find myself, breaking out of my shell and making lots of new friends. I have begun to change quite dramatically.

So, my boss started off being friendly with me, then a little flirty. I thought nothing of it though as he is naturally quite a charming person. Then we started to spend more time together drinking late after work. We would talk about all sorts of things and I would often end up staying out all night. Just talking, nothing ever happened. Until one night after a few bottles of wine, he told me how he felt. He tried to get me to stay the night, but I did the sensible thing and went home to my boyfriend.

He apologised very genuinely the next day and I accepted, although started to reciprocate the attention and we started texting regularly and talking late at night. He started going way beyond the call of duty for me, and was very helpful and attentive when I spoke about my problems with my relationship, and tried to help me organise my finances etc. I guess I began to lean on him a little and he didn't seem to mind. He would talk for hours on the phone, admittedly it mostly happened when one of us was drunk, but we had been known to talk all afternoon. I guess although we joked about it, we were always very conscious about how 'wrong' it might be. He was always asking me how things were with my boyfriend. Nothing physical happened, although I think we both had thought about it.

So, he goes on a work trip abroad. He says he'll see me when he gets back and he'll miss me. I don't expect to hear from him but night 1: he texts me telling me about his trip etc, we start chatting and he asks me to Skype him. I couldn't as my boyfriend was asleep so we chatted a little on the phone, but the other managers caught him. They were all drunk so no one got into any trouble and it was forgotten about, but day 2: he went COMPLETELY cold on me. It was like the situation completely flipped in his favour and he made me look like a complete idiot. He basically just brushed me off with 'I'll see you when I see you,' and didn't even bother replying to my flirty texts like he normally would.

So now, I'll see him when I go into work next but I just want to call him up and be like, 'What the hell are you playing at?' I cant help feeling that he's left me to pick up the pieces of our little indiscretion and of my broken relationship without taking any responsibility.

Has he changed his mind? Is he avoiding the situation because he knows it's wrong and feels guilty? Is he brushing me off because he is with the other managers? Or was it all a little joke all along? I know he was flirty with one of the other waitresses a while back.

HELP. If you can, or just tell me how stupid I'm being. Thank you, I would really appreciate your input. xx

[Amber2011]

First thing I would be thinking is...he's a married man and his wife's found out. He's also 10 years older than you - and your boss. I've come across many just like him over the past 35 years. He set out to try and seduce you. Had you given into him, you would have found ourself out of a job. If it were me, I'd be looking for a new job anyway. You say you love your boyfriend and he's the kindest, most genuine man you've ever met. What has gone wrong between you? Have you told him how you feel? I think the two of you need to sit and have a good, long talk about where your relationship is going and if that means going your seperate ways, then so be it or perhaps you can work things out between you.

I would, in the meantime, ignore your boss on a personal level, only doing what you have to do workwise.

This is perhaps not the answer you were seeking but I think deep down you know what you need to do.

Good luck.

[bulrush]

we chatted a little on the phone, but the other managers caught him. They were all drunk so no one got into any trouble and it was forgotten about, but day 2: he went COMPLETELY cold on me.

Of course he stopped what he was doing, he got caught. Is he your direct manager? Most companies have a policy against fraternizing with direct employees. The manager's power can easily be abused, either consciously, or unconsciously.

It was like the situation completely flipped in his favour and he made me look like a complete idiot.

Try to understand his side of the situation which I wrote about above. Not your fault. ok?

Has he changed his mind?

I don't know, talk to him.

Is he avoiding the situation because he knows it's wrong and feels guilty?

I don't know, talk to him.

Is he brushing me off because he is with the other managers?

Very likely. He doesn't want to lose his job. He might be more discrete now, or he might stop it altogether.

[Cerby]

Bulrush got it right at the last part. There is a risk of anything you have becoming public in the workplace, and that is serious bad news for a manager. He can lose rep, promotions, respect, or even his job. Him being discovered is likely a kick in the ass to realize that its a bad idea, and he is stopping. Wise man if this is the case.

As for you and your boyfriend, time to split up and move on.