How to feel about my boyfriend wanting to sleep with another woman in front of me.

[sweetmomma4]

Hi everyone. I am new here but I need some advice. I started dating this guy for a few months now. We had sex for the first time yesterday. Everything went great and we both really enjoyed it. We were texting for a little bit and he tells me that he wants me to watch him have sex with another woman. He said that is a fantasy of his and I do respect his fantasy, but the fact that we just had sex for the first time and he brings this up hours after, kinda makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I think he could tell I was unsure about it because I got really quiet. He said he doesn't have anyone in mind it was just something he wanted to do. I asked him how he would feel if I slept with another man in front of him, and he said he really wouldn't like it. Should I respect that this is a fantasy or should this be something I should be upset about? He did say that he didn't want to do anything that would hurt our new relationship, but I kinda feel like he already has. How would any of you take it?

Thank you in advance for any advice anyone can give.

[searock]

I would take it badly as well, especially since he told you so soon after the first time you had sex. How did he react to your reaction?

[vashti]

Just because it's his fantasy doesn't obligate you to participate in it. Lots of people fantasize about things they never expect to actually DO.

I don't like that he chose to tell you this after you only had sex with him once. He must be extremely emotionally undeveloped. I would consider this your first warning sign.

[sweetmomma4]

Thank you for responding. That's how I felt about the situation. It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough. I'm all for having fantasies. I am even ok with a
fantasy like that if it wasn't our first time having sex. It was only about 8 hours after we were together that he brings that up. I just wasn't prepared for it I guess

[haxan]

How would I take it? Personally I'd appreciate the honesty, but lose their number.

[sweetmomma4]

Thank you again for your advice. It's so frustrating because I thought I found the right one. The more I think about how our first sexual experiance went the more the flags do go up. You would think for the first time he would actually touch me. He did do oral but that was because he had to stop so he didn't "finish" so fast. But my shirt stayed on the whole time and there was no touching my breasts. Heck, he didn't even bump into them. Well I know what I have to do. I guess I just needed to vent.

[bulrush]

You are clearly not ready for this, so don't do it. Sometimes people share this and it brings them closer together in an amazing way, but you are not ready for it. Just wait.

The more I think about how our first sexual experiance went the more the flags do go up.

He doesn't sound like a jerk, he just sounds inexperienced. Would you like him to count your inexperience against you? Try not to hold this against him.

[vashti]

I don't see this as being the equivalent of inexperience. What he wants is something most people resort to when they are bored with regular sex, and after the first time, he shouldn't be bored already.

How old are both of you, momma?

[IndiReloaded]

Should I respect that this is a fantasy or should this be something I should be upset about?

You are confusing two separate things, your feelings and a question: 1. You ARE upset by this.

2. Should you respect his fantasy? Sure, people are entitled to their fantasies.

You are entitled to not participate or thank him for his time and move on. Personally, I'd do the latter, but I'm probably a lot older than you and know what I want/don't want.

So, what do you want? A freaky, potentially manipulating guy, or someone more vanilla and monogamous? Choose accordingly.

[sweetmomma4]

You all brougt up some good points. As far as age goes, I am 34 and he is 41. I think what is getting to me is that We just got intimate for the first time and then he tells me that he would like to sleep with another woman while I watch. I also think if he would of brought it up to me in a different way I wouldn't feel like I was just hit with it. He did thank me and tell me it was good and then brings up this point. So everyone is right, I just need to figure out what it is that I want. Plus I did kinda throw it back to him and ask if he would watch me with another man, but he wasn't ok with that.

Thank you all again.

[IndiReloaded]

Vash makes a good point that its weird he brought this up so soon after your first time. Do you think he's seeing another woman besides you? He could be manipulating her as well as you.

Anyway, you are old enough to trust your gut with things like this. What it is telling you?

[haxan]

I think it's a great idea to get to know each other intimately before jumping into bed (even if it's just over dinner before you race home to indulge). Talk in detail about things that turn you on, things you both enjoy doing that you might 'really' enjoy doing together, fantasies, fetishes etc...not only does it get your mind and your body craving it, but things that you perhaps don't like, or don't want to try will come up in the conversation also. Situations like yours can be avoided then, sweetmomma.

Communication

[sweetmomma4]

Ok so I'm giving him a chance. I can't be upset that He has a fantasy. Doesn't mean we have to do that fantasy either. So, I went out with him again yesterday. We had a great time like we always do. Things got sexual and we both were having a great time. He had to stop and pull out so he could jerk himself. He ended up going limp while we were having sex. He wasn't able to get himself back up with me or even jerking himself. He said that was the first time that has ever happened to him. You know, I feel for the poor guy. Of course I told him it was fine not to worry about it. I could never say anything bad to any man for that. I was hurt though.

I just wanted to give you that update.

[vashti]

I just want to give you a word of cautionary advice: Nowadays, men have access to so much more pornography than they did when I was young, and I think it has really fed into these alternative sexual fantasies. The fact that he couldn't maintain an erection combined with his unusual request makes me wonder if he spends a lot of time wanking to online porn, and requires more-than-average amounts of stimulation to be happy.

Of course, it COULD be a one-time thing, and as a nurse, i know it could also be an age or medical issue. Just be cautious.

[Angellic]

I just want to give you a word of cautionary advice: Nowadays, men have access to so much more pornography than they did when I was young, and I think it has really fed into these alternative sexual fantasies. The fact that he couldn't maintain an erection combined with his unusual request makes me wonder if he spends a lot of time wanking to online porn, and requires more-than-average amounts of stimulation to be happy.

Of course, it COULD be a one-time thing, and as a nurse, i know it could also be an age or medical issue. Just be cautious.

I think the above is very probably true.

I'm very open minded and always happy to listen to fantasies, but if a guy told me in all seriousness 8 hours after our first sexual encounter he wanted to introduce a 3rd person into the equation, I wouldn't be terribly amused. He's either incredibly insensitive, or not looking for any kind of committed relationship.