Dating During Divorce?

[tropus]

First of all, this story kinda sucks. But please don't feel sorry for me, I am ready to move on and I am excited about the future. BTW I am in my mid-late twenties.

Long story short, my (soon to be ex) wife was unfaithful to me by sneaking around on online dating sites. I lost trust in her. Our marriage was already rocky, and this just made things 10x worse. We tried everything to work it out, including marriage counseling. In the end, it was her who approached me about the divorce. She is clearly unstable about it, but seems to be what she wants. She is apparently seeing a counselor to help her get over it. She also told me she will always love me, but at this point it means jack shit to me. Most of the time she is cold, distant, and very rude to me, and she seems like she is "done" too.

Finding the online activity broke my heart about 6 months ago. Even though we tried to work things out, I started to fall out of love because of this. At this point, I am over it, but not completely over it. I still feel bittersweet, but I am ready to move on. Actually, I decided I'd like to date other women and try to be positive and optimistic. BUT my ex is going on a trip out of town for two months in May, and will not move out until she returns. We will probably go through divorce proceedings then, too. It sucks because I have to put my life on hold. I think I am just going to pack her shit up and put it in storage while she is gone.

Like I said, I would like to start seeing other women. I actually have a first date Thursday and I'm very excited. The trouble is that I would like to keep my ex out of my business. I am sure she would respect my privacy, but I don't to risk starting any more drama. That basically means not inviting women over until she is out, which sucks. I am not exactly sure how to disclose the divorce, especially since I am stuck cohabiting until May. It might look very bad out of context. I could always tell half-truths and just say I am going through a divorce and the marriage is definitely over. This is the first time I am going through a divorce, so I could use some guidance from an older, wiser, more experienced crowd.

Thanks for reading.

[IndiReloaded]

I dated when I was divorcing (it can take years!) but I waited over 1/2 a year from the time I moved out. And we were long done by then.

I think you are jumping the gun. Use the urgency of your situation to move out, rather than use dating like an emotional band-aid.

But since you are already dating, don't make it worse by treating it like anything other than a book club -- interesting without commitment.

[tropus]

Believe me, I would really like to move out, but she can't afford the rent on her own. I am more than comfortable staying here, but she doesn't want to get an apartment until after she comes back because she doesn't want to pay rent while she is away. She can stay with a friend, but then all of her belongings will be left behind, and then she also has a cat. Suggestions?

I think I am going to ask her if she just wants to move her belongings to storage and move in with a friend tomorrow.

[IndiReloaded]

I would move out anyway if you are certain you are done. Storage is a good idea.

Normally I wouldn't advise to bail on marriage without more effort, but you are both young, no kids and it really does sound like staying together is only going to prolong both your pain.

Rip the band-aid off, but find a balance between ending it and not being an asshole. In the end, you have wake up to yourself. Also, one of the ways I evaluated my dates was how classy (or not) they ended their previous relationships. Lack of drama is a very good indicator of a stable personality.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[tropus]

And I totally agree with you. If kids were involved or anything, I would not bail. I think another important issue is that my soon to be is an in-the-closet homosexual and she is not willing to admit it yet. If there is one thing I hope for, it's that she will be true to herself in the end. It may be that I don't love her anymore, but I do care about her well-being. We are trying to settle out of court in a civil manner.

So out of respect for both women, I really don't want to involve potential dates in the situation.

I decided to disclose some of it to my Thursday date. She was appreciative of my honesty. Hope it doesn't scare her away. Dates are supposed to be fun, anyway.

[IndiReloaded]

I wouldn't overshare on a first date. Keep it light. Book club...

[Boisdevie]

Believe me, I would really like to move out, but she can't afford the rent on her own.

If she can't afford the rent then that's not your problem is it? Sounds like she's treated you like shit so let her swivel and let her sort out her accomodation problems. Think about YOU.

[TablesandChairs]

Are you actually ready to move on or are you angry and seeking 'revenge'?

Generally, if you meet a decent woman and she finds out that not only are you not divorced yet, but still living with you wife...she'll bail.

[TheEvilJester]

I've gone through divorce. I was married to somebody who probably never was the good person I thought she was, but she chose to hide that fact from me until we were married. I am the type of dude who does NOT take his commitments lightly, so it took a while, and it took a lot of crap to get me to finally realize I needed to move on. So, my experience wasn't necessarily typical. However, I can offer my thoughts on the situation...

First off, Tables brings up a good point. Are you looking to date because you are truly and honestly over your past relationship and ready to move on? Or, even though I am sure you do not intend this, are their possibly any less than honorable reasons you want to begin dating? Sometimes, after a breakup, even though we don't realize we are doing it, we want to jump right back into dating as a rebound, or to show the ex that we've already moved on, or any number of other reasons that are the wrong reason to get back into dating, even though they feel right to us at the time.

You don't want to jump back into dating for the wrong reasons and/or when you are not yet ready. That is not fair to the women you may date, and also bot fair to yourself, as you may ruin your chances at what could have wound up being a great relationship if you just waited until you were fully ready.

All that said, the IDEAL situation would be to start dating once you are fully divorced and no longer live with your ex. It would also be best to have minimal or no contact at that point, as well. However, depending upon how contentious the divorce may be, they can take a while to finalize. Heck, even divorces that are 100% amicable (and, luckily, mine actually was pretty much completely amicable), they still take time. It is still a lot of paperwork and junk.

So, you shouldn't necessarily HAVE to put your life on hold during that whole time. So, I would say if things do drag on at all, then maybe after time you consider dating anyway. Otherwise, give yourself a little time to recover from the relationship. Even if you feel like you already have, you still want to take some time to re-learn how to just be happy with you, yourself, and nobody else. You also want to take time to evaluate what went wrong with your marriage. What did you do wrong that you can avoid in the future? What did your wife do wrong that you can look out for and avoid in other potential relationships? How can you learn from it all and become a better person for surviving this?

Then, worry about dating again. Believe me, I understand how tempting it can be to jump back in the minute you think you are ready to do so. But, you really do not want to rush that, especially considering you are still young.

I mean, heck, I hear ya. My situation was not typical at all, but I went through so much crap in my marriage that it was over in my own mind long before I finally decided I needed a divorce. Because of that, by the time we finally decided to end the marriage, I too felt ready to jump back into the dating world again. I was even tempted to give it a try. But, I decided to wait anyway, and I am glad I did.

To be honest, the world has reminded me that people suck lately, so I've taken a break from dating, but that is a whole different story of its own.

Either way, good luck to you. If you do wind up dating while you are still in the process of your divorce, my advice then would be to just be honest with the women you may try to date. It is hard for them to know if you are honestly intending to finalize your divorce, or just some guy fooling around on his wife and using a phony "divorce" as an excuse to string them along for a while. All you can do is be a good, honest man, and hopefully they will see that you are sincere.

Good luck to you in everything. I hope your divorce is as quick as can be, and ends in a way that makes all parties happy. I hope, as well, that you find somebody who can be your true match in a way that obviously your ex could not.