Confused, hurt yet Hopeful

[PLuv]

Alright, I have a bit of a long story so I completely understand if everyone doesn't want to read this essay.. but here goes.

I don't know what to do... I met this girl back in 2011, she seemed to be everything I wanted in a partner & more.. She was committed, kind, sweet and we had the greatest time ever together. At the time, she was living in a dirty house with a bunch of roomates so I invited her to move in with me after we were only dating for about a month. I know that's a bit strange but I was sure I was going to marry this woman. I was a casual weed smoker and I was honest with her about my habits from the beginning. I enjoyed doing that after a long day of work over drinking a beer or wine or whatever.. It was a good way for me to relax. Well not only did she not have a problem with it, but she tried it for the first time and loved it. We smoked together quite often and laughed and just had a great time.

Fast forward 1 year and 6 months, we moved into a large 1 bedroom and we really had things going for us. My girlfriend started talking about how I smoked too much and she really wished I would quit. I am a 30 year old man, I knew what I could handle and knew it wasn't negatively affecting my life. I had held down 2 steady jobs, actually interviewed and got an even better job and I worked hard to better myself everyday. But she still wanted me to quit and I loved her so much, I did it. It started with her asking me to quit for a month. And it was hard but I did. Then once that month was over, she asked me to quit for good. I went through with trying to quit for good because I loved her and I didn't want to lose her or upset her.

Well, fast forward two more months and she was waiting for me one night when I got home. She had something to talk to me about. She wanted me to move out. This crushed me as I thought our relationship was so much stronger than that. I had merged all my possessions with hers, we had done so much to build this life together and now she wanted me to leave. Her reason was that she wanted me to get my life together so that we could have a family. She wanted me to be more driven and prove that I could provide her with the life she wanted. Well you could imagine my confusion as I had just gotten a better job, quit smoking weed, and really started to try to save money. With our lives now intertwined and me having no idea where I would move to, it took me 4 months to finally move out. All the while I would beg her if I could stay and try to find ways to work things out. We fought constantly. I mean, if she wanted us to improve ourselves and be more stable, why would she push me out so we both had to pay rent.. I didn't understand why we couldnt do it together as everything else with us had been. I became depressed, I started to think she didn't want to be with me anymore. The things she said and did to me during that time broke my heart. I started acting erratically, emailing random people to chat and my gf saw one of them. It hurt her badly, but I just wasn't myself anymore. I didnt want to talk to anyone else, but the feeling of living with the woman I loved who wanted nothing more than me out was making me act so out of character. I also resented the fact that everytime my back was turned, my GF would go through my texts & emails..Every time!! I never did that to her, ever and she did it with me on numerous occasions. The day I was moving, she couldn't load my car fast enough. She put my things outside and told me to get my life together and give her a call.. WTF?

I moved to another city about 30 minutes away which was much closer to my new job. During that time, I would call her everynight and we would chat. Sometimes, we'd be all lovey-dovey talking about life with one another and how to make it work. And other nights, she would tell me things like "Forget about Us" and she "Needed to focus on her". She also told me that I should date other people, which I remember to be particularly heart-breaking. I had my dream job, I was moving forward towards my goals and yet I was depressed that she still seemed to be pulling away. This went on for 3 months with us still even seeing each other on the weekends, cuddling etc. but she would always make it clear to me, we were on a 'break' and that one day maybe we would work it out. I got sick of being sad and the scathing things she would say to me.. It used to be all about us, now it was all about her again. I wanted to be the strong man and not show her my pain so I would cry in my apt, alone and some nights I wouldn't even hear from her. She would go out drinking with her friends which was NEVER who she was before. I felt like I was losing her. So after months of sitting alone in my apartment, in a new city with no one to really hang out with, I started an OkCupid profile. I said I wasn't looking for anything serious in the description and I really never really even checked it.. I still felt unavailable but with my gf telling me to move on, do things on my own and breaking my heart even more each day - just wanted to have someone to talk to.

After another couple months, this girl on OkCupid messaged me out of no where telling me how much she enjoyed reading my profile and how I was exactly what she was looking for. I was intrigued so I offered to meet for coffee one day. She was amazing. She worked in veterinary medicine, she had a great heart, smoked often but stayed driven and I found her so beautiful. We hit it off but I was still a bit reserved. I mean, I still saw my GF every weekend and I know she still had feelings for me but my heart was just so sick of feeling sad and depressed all the time. My GF & I would act like a couple for two nights, then she would go back to telling me about everything she needed to do and that there was no "us" during the week. I don't think she quite understood how it made me feel. Meanwhile, this new girl I just met I felt like I understood her so well. I started getting scared because I could see myself getting feelings for her.

Well, the next weekend back at my GFs house (which used to be mine) I came over and while I was sleeping, my GF went through my Cell phone and saw text messages I had been texting to the other girl. She was crushed and started yelling at me calling me names and telling me how I'd broken her heart. I never wanted any of this, I never wanted to move out or date other people or move on with my life. But after months of hearing the same thing from her and having her feel so detached, I got sick of sitting in my tiny apt sulking. She started crying and telling me she was done, and as we were already talking - i started reminding her of all the things she said to me. How she wanted to concentrate on her and there was no us, and how she even told me to date other people. I told her how that crushed me inside and I believed her when she said it. After a while, she was actually apologizing to me. She told me she was sorry she pushed me away and told me those things, she didn't mean it. She said she didn't want me to see other people. After all this time of her telling me to move on, she saw that I was actually talking to someone else and THAT is what made her change her tune. She wanted to work things out now all of a sudden, and I didn't know what to make of it.

Well, after the blowout I hung out with that girl from OkCupid again, and I must say - I really REALLY like her. And now my GF is coming back on strong.. For the first time since I moved, she wanted to come hang out at my place instead of the other way around. She started saying things that made sense, like she understood how she hurt me and she was so sorry she caused me so much pain. I want to believe it and I want to just take her back in, but I really think I could have something special brewing with this new girl. Spending time with her, I feel like I can really be myself and theres so much I could learn from being around her. But I do still love my GF, I just don't feel good about the fact that she would'nt even give me the time of day until she thought for one second that there was a chance she might lose me. It took me talking to someone else for her to apologize and want to get things back to how they used to be. I think this new girl is really starting to like me, and although I had been so attached to my GF through it all, I can't help but see more promise in this new girl and I definitely don't want to hurt her. The trust with my GF has been tried and burned and I don't know if I should just jump in and hope for the best or give things a shot with this new girl, who accepts me for who I am from the start. I don't know what to do but now I know I will have to hurt someone and it just feels so unfair after I have had my heart drug through the mud for the past 8 months.. What would you do? should I move on or work things out with my GF who swears everything will get better now. I am super confused. Any advice anyone could give, I am all ears.

P.S. - If you read all of this, thanks. I know it wasn't the most exciting read, but it came from the heart and I need some help. You are awesome.

[michelle23]

You need to get rid of your gf. She sounds horrible-to string you along like that for so long... No words. Im sorry you have been hurt so bad. Shes been playing games, being v selfish, she never thought for a second how all this has impacted on your wellbeing. She really sounds like a nasty piece of work . She only wants you now coz someone else wants you. But she will just go back to the same s**t again if she gets you back again.

You are not innocent in all of this though. You have been a complete and utter doormat. She has lost all respect for you now because you allowed her to screw you around. Do you not have any self respect or dignity?

I honestly dont think you should be with anyone right now. Cut both women out of your life. Be strong and tell your gf it is over. You are never getting back with her and she can go feck herself for all you care as she obviously has no respect for you or any empathy for your feelings. You tell her that she shouldnt have taken you for granted and its too late now coz you know you are worth more and you also know there are a million girls who would treat you better and be happy to have you as their man.. Make it clear its over and she can get stuffed. You will stand ten feet taller, take back your self respect and your pride and your confidence will grow if you do..
Then go cold turkey from her-absolutely no contact and focus on healing.

You also need to tell new girl your not ready for a relationship, you need time and your worried she will just be a rebound if you hop into this now.

I think a few counseling sessions will do you the world of good. Be alone for 6months, focus on building up your strenght and confidence and heal emotionally. If this girl is still single in 6months-ask her out

best of luck to you

[horndog]

If I were you I would completely cut off all contact and any financial support to the old GF. I would then take it slow but continue to see the new girl. The key is to take it slow though, don't rush things. Ithink once you get the emotional abuse from the first girl out of your life you will be ready to go all in with the new one, but slowly.

[michelle23]

I disagree. I dont think you are in a good place emotionally or mentally. You will prob unintentionally hurt the new girl by not being able to give her your heart (emotional unavailability) and just using her as a way to boost your confidence (rebound) or by being sucked back in by your ex and cheating on her.

Its better to be alone for awhile and be sure your ex is history before starting a new relationship.

Also new girl may not be happy to go at the pace of a turtle. It wouldnt be fair to her. Shes looking for love and commitment, not all your emotional baggage

[PLuv]

I disagree. I dont think you are in a good place emotionally or mentally. You will prob unintentionally hurt the new girl by not being able to give her your heart (emotional unavailability) and just using her as a way to boost your confidence (rebound) or by being sucked back in by your ex and cheating on her.

Its better to be alone for awhile and be sure your ex is history before starting a new relationship.

Also new girl may not be happy to go at the pace of a turtle. It wouldnt be fair to her. Shes looking for love and commitment, not all your emotional baggage

Michelle,

Thanks for the great advice. Its funny cuz the new girl got out of something not too long ago an unhappy relationship and she wants nothing more than to take things super slow. She tells me she really likes me and doesn't want to rush anything and I really appreciate that. Do you think I should risk possibly losing the opportunity to see where this goes to be alone for 6 months? I mean, I have felt so alone for the past 6 months even though I've had someone around. The connection was gone and I felt alone, even when I was with her..

[michelle23]

Its your choice. I just think you cannot fall in love properly with someone if your still in love with an ex. Youll probably always feel like you settled for second best. However, if you take time out to truly heal and have nothing or noone holding you back then you can fall in love properly again without ever feeling like something is missing.

Maybe you and new girl could date for awhile (no sex) just be friends and see how you both feel even in 2 or 3 months. If your not fully committed to her-then sex will just complicate everything further. One of you will get too attached and want more while the other wants less etc.

Just dont sleep with her unless you are over your ex

[namemyname]

I think pot is the biggest priority in your life, actually. You're 30, and still smoking daily?? C'mon. I know you *think* you're driven and have goals, but like your GF, I would have zero interest or attraction to a stoner at 30.

So, go date the vet girl, since she seems to like to smoke it up like you do.

FWIW, very few quality women want to build a life with a stoner. I mean, you're not exactly husband or father material when you're smoking daily.

Yeesh.

[michelle23]

He gave it up for her-then she kicked him out. Plus she spent every damn day smoking it too. Hypocrite..

I do agree though. I wouldnt date a stoner. Id never force someone to change for me though-id just walk away

[namemyname]

He gave it up for her-then she kicked him out. Plus she spent every damn day smoking it too. Hypocrite..

I do agree though. I wouldnt date a stoner. Id never force someone to change for me though-id just walk away

He said she did it often, not daily.

I get that in the beginning, she did it as a bonding thing. But, after things got more serious, she hoped the OP would grow up.

I agree that "forcing" someone to stop an addiction never works. I think she really thought he'd morph into marriage material, and that's likely not going to happen.

He needs to be with someone who will enable his addiction, but I think he'll find that even the vet girl will eventually grow tired of his smoking, and it will be a lather, rinse, repeat.

[4 ratties]

Stop contact with your ex. She doesn't know what she wants. Let her be alone for awhile. Pursue this new girl very very slowly and everything should be good

[PLuv]

He said she did it often, not daily.

I get that in the beginning, she did it as a bonding thing. But, after things got more serious, she hoped the OP would grow up.

I agree that "forcing" someone to stop an addiction never works. I think she really thought he'd morph into marriage material, and that's likely not going to happen.

He needs to be with someone who will enable his addiction, but I think he'll find that even the vet girl will eventually grow tired of his smoking, and it will be a lather, rinse, repeat.

I did quit smoking completely months before she kicked me out. She made the suggestion and I did it. Am I going to be a so-called "Stoner" forever? Not at all.. And I never said I smoked daily. It was just something I enjoyed a few times a week. To be honest, the vet girl smokes waaaay more than I do so I doubt that would be an issue.

[namemyname]

Oh, well, great. Best to get involved with someone who has a larger addiction.

[michelle23]

I know lots of people who smoke weed regularly and still make good partners, parents, workers etc. However it prob is best to nail the habit on the head and quit for good.

Theres usually a reason why people smoke-such as an escape from reality, to control anger, to help anxiety etc etc. Its best to face these types of problems alone with depending on an addictive substance.

In my opinion weed smokers (or addictive personalities in general) are twice is likely to have an affair or turn to other destructive behaviours so for that reason id avoid men who take drugs.

Half my family smoke weed and honestly i dont like it. I would rather they didnt but its their life

[PLuv]

Oh, well, great. Best to get involved with someone who has a larger addiction.

I guess so.. People can be happy regardless of what they do on their free time. Saying people can't smoke weekly, monthly (or even daily if they see fit) and still be in a happy relationship is like saying people that drink socially are automatically alcoholics and as such incapable of having a steady relationship. Its just not true.

The definition of addiction is continuing to do something even though it negatively effects their lives, livelyhood or well-being.. Which I don't think that my occasional joint is effecting.

[PLuv]

Oh, well, great. Best to get involved with someone who has a larger addiction.

I guess so.. People can be happy regardless of what they do on their free time. Saying people can't smoke weekly, monthly (or even daily if they see fit) and still be in a happy relationship is like saying people that drink socially are automatically alcoholics and as such incapable of having a steady relationship. Its just not true.

The definition of addiction is continuing to do something even though it negatively effects their lives, livelyhood or well-being.. Which I don't think that my occasional joint is effecting.