Help! Can you love someone and thoughts of another?

[A1802]

Hi all,

Going crazy in my thoughts so thought I'd try and get an objective opinion.

After loving and being with a guy (John) for many years, it ended in March as we both wanted different things from life. To sum it up, I want to travel and live overseas, he doesn't. After ignoring and working around this for many years, we both realised we wanted different things from life and not meant to be. I didn't think I'd be with someone for a while. I thought I'd be single for at least a year, concentrate on myself, save money and finally head overseas as I had always wanted to.

Also at the end of the relationship, I met Paul. We instantly had a chemistry so strong and found ways to constantly see each other. I never did anything with him (actually turned him down a couple of times) but these feelings I had made me realise things with John were over. The whole time I was with John, another guy had never entered my thoughts so no matter what would happen with Paul, I had to end it with John. It was just lucky for John that he didn't want to be with me either so we have managed to stay friends.

After a couple of months, I started to have feelings for Chris, a friend I had not known well but had known for a couple of years. Technically we are just seeing each other as I think it's too soon for another serious committed relationship and for other reasons below. I thought it was just physical attraction but after seeing him for a while, it has now grown to something amazingly strong and I just have not been expecting it. I am so happy when I'm with him I actually dropped the 'I love you' line this morning, how this happened, I don't know. It seems a bit crazy, especially so soon after such a long term relationship. I know he loves me but is holding back because he doesn't want to put pressure on us (he understands my situation with John). I'm not sure if I just got carried away with the emotion or if it's a sign of my true emotions but I guess only I can answer that.

Anyways, now after ending it with John 7.5 months ago, Paul and I have never hooked up. Maybe the moment has passed, maybe his actions were only because he knew he couldn't have it, whatever it is, it hasn't happened and I now think he sees me just as a good friend. After waiting for Paul, I realised if it was going to happen, it would have by now so since it hasn't, it's not going to so I should get over it. After realising this, I gave Chris a proper go and it is just growing so much, hence the 'I love you' bomb this morning.

The issue is I cannot see a long term future with Chris. For a few reasons, although he would love to travel with me overseas (better than what John ever wanted), he cannot and our career life and wants are the complete opposite. Because of this, my family will not understand why I would be with a guy who will stop me from what I want I have always wanted. I just cannot see it working. But the feelings are there, I don't say 'I love you' to just anyone, these are big words. Plus, whenever I see Paul, the feelings I have managed to distinguish to just friends basis come back up and I'm left confused again. After a few days of not seeing Paul and only seeing Chris again, I control my feelings and it's just Chris again. What a head case hey?! I feel bad as Chris really deserves someone to love him wholeheartedly. My feelings for Chris are strong except when I see Paul or I think about the future. I then worry and I manage to have strong feelings for both Chris and Paul and then doubt for both. The more I see Chris, the more my feelings for Paul fade. This is a good thing. Paul isn't going to happen but then I can't see things longterm with Chris so that then worries me. I should just not see both but I can't imagine not seeing Chris anymore. Arrggghhhh!!!

I guess my question is can I love Chris and have feelings for Paul? I've never had this before. I'm either happily single and just have fun with mates or am in a serious committed relationship with only one person on my mind. Having thoughts for two people at once is driving me crazy. Does it mean I don't seriously like either and I'm attracted to the drama? I don't think so, I can't keep either out of my head so the feelings must be strong for both but would really appreciate any thoughts. Most friends think I should stop stressing, chill out and give Chris a go. Can I love him and still have thoughts for Paul? Sorry for such a long blog.

Thanks again for any thoughts
Cheers!

[YouAreBeautiful]

Here is my question I didn't understand from your summary. Has Paul made an indication that he wants to be in a relationship with you? Are you sure Paul is emotionally available to you in the way Chris is. Yes it's possible to have strong feelings for more than one person at the time. It causes a variety of problems for us. Keep this in mind, people have different needs from men and no man can meet them all. Consider your most important needs, the needs that will never change throughout your life, that will lead to the best balance of happiness and the least possibility for disappoint and sadness. Think hard. Decide if you want to listen to your heart or your mind if that's what it boils down too.

[Agape]

You're just conflicted right now . . . and it's completely natural and normal.

But I must say, think with your head - not with your heart, it might cause you to do dumb things. . . take each guy - write out a list of pros and cons, then weigh them.