Desperately need help on whether or not to end a relationship!

[waytooape]

Please excuse me, as the back story of this is very long winded, sorry about that


This has a bit of a back story, and I've never, as far as I can remember, ended a relationship myself, I've always been the dump-ee. I'm a transfer student at college, I went to community college for two years. During the last two years of high school and my first three semesters at community college, I was dating a wonderful girl. We started dating in our junior year in high school, when I called her (we'd been friends and "dated" in middle school, obviously nothing serious) to see if she wanted to catch up. We bonded VERY quickly, and became best friends. I fell in love, HARD, and was willing to do anything for this girl. She was in a way still seeing someone when we met, and she officially ended it with him within about a month of us meeting. We dated for almost three years, and the only unhealthy thing about the relationship was that we spent all our time together, not really leaving time for other friends. I was very clingy, but she never spoke or showed a thought about it, and we really were wonderful together. I won't describe the rest of the details of it, but to summarize, it was (to me) the most perfect feeling in the world.

We ended up at community college together, and coming into our fourth semester, she started hanging out with another guy. We'll call him Chris for the sake of anonymity. I trusted her, but because we hadn't gotten to hang with other people much, I wasn't used to it. I told myself to let it go, because I loved her and trusted her. One night, I was at work, (delivering chinese food, a part time job) and I called her like I usually do while driving to deliver food. We chatted for a minute, and she seemed really sad. I asked what was wrong, and she wouldn't tell me. I pressed a bit, as she was almost always willing to be honest with me, and she said she'd tell me the next day. I was REALLY nervous, and while something in the back of my head told me that it was ending with her, I ignored it, thinking I shouldn't get upset about something that hasn't happened yet. I somehow got through the next day, and she came over that night to talk to me. She told me that we would be better off taking time to date other people, so we could be sure of what we had. I was very depressed, but I took it reasonably well at first. I asked if it was about Chris, and she told me no. I tried to get into the mindset that we would just be friends for a while and then get back together, but I was a complete wreck. I cried all the time, at random times, and it interfered with school and work alike.

One day I went to school, and walked upstairs in one building to go to class. In the lobby, she was sitting on Chris' lap, talking and kissing him. In my head I FLIPPED OUT. I went over to them and talked casually for a minute, because they saw me as I walked by, and tried to hide my emotions. I managed, but for the next several weeks I was dying. I couldn't get over it, she had lied to me, and and when I tried to talk to her about it she denied it. It wasn't until about two months later that she admitted it, after much bitching at her by yours truly. We are cordial now, as we are going to the same 4-year college, but we are not friends. That part is my fault, I literally spent two months bitching and yelling at her trying to get her to admit to everything she'd done to me, which was a lot. I can't fix that now, though I wish I had never said any of that.

About two weeks after we'd broken up, I dated another girl I'd known before for about two weeks, realized I was only trying to replace what I'd lost, and ended it before I could do any more damage to her. I needed to get over the first girl, as this was still during all of my bitching. About two months after that, I met a girl at school, and we hit it off really well. She said that I might need some time before dating again, but we ended up being together anyway. We fit wonderfully, but it just isn't the same feeling I had. I was truly in love before, and I HATE saying it, but this new girl and I fit better as friends. We've been dating about 5 months, and now we live about 2 1/2 hours apart, at different schools. We've promised each other a lot of things regarding being together, but sometimes I worry that I might have promised her those things because I was lonely or needy. I care about her, and want to do whatever I can to not hurt her, but I honestly don't even think I'm 100% over the first girl yet. Losing her felt in every way like a best friend dying. I still think about what I lost, even though I don't want to be with her anymore, and it makes me angry that it's gone. I need help on this. I feel like it would be healthier to learn to take care of myself for a while, but I'm VERY VERY worried about hurting this girl. I would be breaking promises to her by leaving her, and I'm terrified. I want to be her friend, and try to get over everything that as happened to me. What do I do? What do I tell her? ANY help would be more wonderful than any of you know.

[rjg117]

Be honest with her. Tell her that you're in a very vulnerable place at the moment. Tell her that you think she is great, that you don't want to break up with her, but that you think you need some time alone to be single for a while, in order to get yourself together. Tell her that you're not sure about where you are going, or where you want the relationship with her to head, but if she is willing to wait that you might be willing to give things another try. Just make sure to let her know that its not a definite and that if she wants to move on then that is fine. (As in, it would be mean to lead her on for a few weeks and then end up telling her you don't want to be with her anyway after she waited).

Just be honest and tell her what is going on. That is the best thing you can do. In my opinion anyway.

[Blahblahblah19]

You stated dating way to quickly. I do believe that dating someone else will help someone get over an ex, but you rushed right into it out of jealousy, rage, and pure heartbreak. What your ex did to you was awful, but by you not mending your broken heart and dating other girls, you are being just like her. This girl your dating now needs to know the truth about why you feel as you feel and that it has nothing to do with her. You are what is called "emotionally damaged" and that is something that cannot be fixed through other relationships. Right now you should focus on school and work and just downright enjoying the single life of independence. And then, if she is willing to give it another try, you can try to have a relationship. But this process will not take a couple of months, it will take several months. You need to let time heal you this way you don't hurt this girl that you seem to care greatly about.

[waytooape]

Thank both of you so much. I had a long talk with my sister tonight about it, and we concluded the same things. I'm gonna let her know tomorrow, and talk with her tomorrow. Thanks again, I hate the thought of doing this, but I know for me to get better it has to happen.

[TheTooya]

@waytooape

I read through your post... and the only advice I can give, is be careful with this new girls heart. My previous relationship ended about two months ago. It lasted two and a half years (so not *that* long), and we both made promises to each other. The biggest take away I have from my last relationship, is be careful what you promise... be careful what expectations you set...

Good luck!