Timing is Everything! To wait or not to wait and how to deal...

[Tallahassee]

Hey guys - this is my first post in this forum so I'm going to give a little background on myself and then talk about my current situation that i'm looking for some advice on.

I'm a 35 year old divorced male that now lives in Tallahassee, FL. I have been divorced for about 4 years now. The divorce was amicable and something that we both mutually wanted -- short synopsis: we got married before we knew who we were, grew into different people and became less of a couple and more like acquaintances. However, the entire process did affect me mentally and left me somewhat jaded about women and relationships.

While I have dated since the divorce and slept around, I have not let myself open up to anyone and have been quick to dismiss anyone who had really any imperfection at all. I don't want to say I've been a woman hater but I just haven't really given anyone a chance and have 'dismissed' some really amazing girls in the process that probably cared for me more than I should have let them. Long story short, I am in no way looking for a relationship right now.

But then it happened.

About a month ago I met a girl from work that completely and totally swept me off my feet. She's amazing. A unicorn. A 12 on a scale from 1 - 10. I know this sounds absolutely crazy, but from the moment we started talking I was done. It was kind of like an instant love / connection and I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Both of us we were both kind of shocked at what was happening and didn't know exactly how to respond to it but it felt AWESOME. It was really the first time I had opened up to anyone in years. It felt immediately like 'holy shit this could be the one' and I certainly wasn't prepared for that / didn't think that would ever happen to me (to be fair, it never even really happened with my ex-wife). Everything seemed perfect.

One of the challenges that we have --- we are both consultants and are on the road all the time --- is that we don't live in the same city and always travel. We decided to fix that and see how this amazing connection that we were building was going to work out in person and I stopped in Austin, TX last week for our first real 'date'. Both of us were unbelievably excited and expectations were high. I haven't been that nervous for a date since like high school.

Anyway, the day before the date she started to change. She stopped communicating, showed up for our date hours after we had originally planned to meet -- and the date went horribly badly. I was pissed at her for being so rude, she wasn't talking and was closed off, the magic was gone and it was just a disaster. I was so confused. Worse, she stood me up for lunch the next day. I was furious.

So --- a few days pass before we finally talk for the first time again last night. I tell her that I was pissed off at her and she apologized and was embarrassed. Turns out me coming to town made the whole thing super "real" for her and she started thinking about the situation, and the timing of what was happening, etc. She had broken up with a long term ex a few months back and hadn't really dated anyone since. She was worried and confused because while the feelings she was having were real and she was totally swept off her feet and didn't know what to do --- she started to think she wasn't ready to date anyone and didn't want to spoil a chance at something real and potentially amazing with me she wants to take time to figure things out. She admitted that the reasons she showed up late / stood me up was because she struggles sometimes to talk about feelings and when they are real and she's confused she just freezes.

Anyway, to some extent she's right about timing. I'm not really ready to date someone seriously yet either (and I told her that when we met and started talking). I've got some personal issues I have to clear up to give myself the confidence I need to be myself (ex: I put on weight during my post divorce depression and haven't lost it).

That said, talking to her last night was amazing. It was a two hour long conversation and after crawling through the unpleasant stuff and getting on the same page it was as if nothing had changed and the giant smile was back on my face and she couldn't stop giggling either.

So what we both agreed we need to do is not pursue anything and focus on ourselves. Reality is she needs to go date / hook up with some other people before she could ever settle on pursuing something with me (and I need to do the same thing!) The timing for all of this just isn't right. The reality is that is extremely unlikely that things will ever work out between us as I'm sure we will both move on. I can't 'wait for her' and she cant 'wait for me' --- though I may be willing

But the part of me that really cares about her doesn't want to let that FEELING go. The part of me that is all about her is horrified at the idea of her dating / hooking up with someone else. I don't want to do this even though its the right thing for both of us. It's going to wreck me mentally.

Ugh. I still feel like this might be 'the one' and she has that same feeling I think. But it can't work RIGHT NOW. So somehow I have to stop thinking about this girl and pretend that she doesn't exist. But its going to be hard to impossible to do because of the forced semi-regular interactions at work.

Has anyone else had to deal with something similar? How did you deal with trying to forget your feelings for someone? How do I deal with the idea of waiting around for her --- which is something that likely won't work out?

ARGH! I'm so frustrated.

[melancholia]

I have two experiences that are somewhat similar:

Scenario One:

Three years ago, I left my partner of 5 years, whom I truly thought I would marry, have a family, and spend my life with. Within 1 month of ending that relationship, I met a guy at a comedy show in my city and I felt what you felt about this woman: I saw him performing at a show and he had this energy about him that made me feel like I needed to get to know him. So a few days later, I went to another show of his and introduced myself. We went out the next night and started dating immediately. He asked me to be exclusive after about 2 weeks of seeing each other. While I acknowledged that it seemed fast, it felt "right", so I went with it. We crashed and burned and he dumped me a few weeks later. Although, we did actually stay friends and eventually picked back up into a casual, non-exclusive relationship that lasted over 2 years.

Even though we had a mutual understanding that our relationship was non-exclusive, we still spent most of our time seeing/sleeping with each other, with maybe a few others scattered along the way. We always came back to each other, but we weren't suited for a serious committed relationship together, at least not at that time.
I was crazy about him, we had a super strong connection and always gravitated toward each other any chance we got. Other people even noticed what we had; I had never felt that way about anyone; but he was indecisive and flippant and couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted, and I had not dealt with the aftermath of my failed, long term relationship to be able to commit myself to another person. I didn't know how to articulate what I wanted and needed in a relationship. He and I carried on for 2 years, and during that time I realized I needed and wanted more from a relationship. I couldn't do the casual thing anymore and I knew I was ready to commit myself to someone. He wasn't. He still isn't. We don't see each other romantically or sexually anymore, but we are still friends through comedy and are on good terms.

Scenario Two:

About a month ago, I reconnected with a guy I'd met back in highschool. We've been seeing each other since May and things are going spectacularly. He treats me exactly the way I need to be treated, without me having to ask. I was so surprised by how quickly we've progressed in such a short period of time and it doesn't feel rushed because we are on the same page about things and, more importantly, the timing is right. As strong as my feelings were for the other guy, this is different and on another level altogether. I am more into him than I ever was with anyone else I've ever dated because we are so compatible and we met each other at the right time for both of our sakes.

Now my point here is that you can meet someone who is a great match for you, they may even seem perfect for you, but the timing isn't right. Either it's not right for one, or both of you, but if the timing isn't right, the relationship is not going to work out. At least not long term. Clearly, you two met at a time that isn't right for either of you, and you are both mature enough to acknowledge that, and take steps to deal with it in a way that is both appropriate and healthy. If you were to ignore the fact that neither of you are ready, and you were to just jump into something blindly, I doubt it would end well for you. It's better, in my opinion, to decide mutually that the timing isn't right at this time, and seeking out relationships and hook ups with other people might be the right move for both of you, if that is how you feel. Another point I'd like to highlight here is this particular woman is not your be all, end all to the relationship game. It may seem like that now, because you haven't met another person you felt this way about, but that still doesn't mean she is the only one you will feel this way about, I assure you of that. When you have that type of thinking, you are limiting yourself from exploring the potential of relationships and connections with other people. There could be another fantastic woman right around the corner, and you will miss out on that opportunity if you keep your blinders on by thinking this one woman is your "one and only".

Now, it doesn't mean that if you two take some time apart to explore your individuality and explore the possibility of connecting with other people, that you're never going to be able to be together. You very well could end up together, but it would be a huge mistake to try and force that before you're both ready, especially if you have both discussed the fact that neither of you are ready for serious commitment. Having said that, have you explored the option of seeing each other on a casual, non-exclusive basis; or is that not a possibility for you two?

[Tallahassee]

Hey! Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and pull together such a thoughtful reply.

You're absolutely right that we both have to walk away from this right now. It's the smart and mature thing to do. Trying to force it would just lead to a lot of heartache because it would prevent both of us from fixing the things we need to fix to get ready to date again.

While on the one hand, casually dating sounds like a decent option - especially given our locations and travel schedules with work - I think a clean 'break' where we don't talk to each other is probably better because it would allow us both to work on ourselves, date other people and see if we end up coming back to each other. If I end up being 'friends' and talking regularly, laughing and letting that feeling that we both get live on its going to just confuse me (and probably her too). In an ideal world, we'd just not talk at all for the next few months and then I'd hit her up the next time i'm in Austin to see where things are at and how we feel.

The challenge I have in the meantime is figuring out how to just forget her and let that go. I can't keep this nugget in the back of my mind that any dating I start doing now is kind of fake bc there's this girl that i'm all about that i'm going to get with when the timing is better --- because then I won't fix things and the timing will never be better. And thats' just ridiculous. The likelihood that we re-kindle things in a few months is very low.

UGH! What a mess. I feel like I'm going through a break-up and some of the pain and emotions that go with it ---but I never got to have the relationship! How did I let this happen?!? [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=FAIL]#FAIL[/URL]

I guess maybe the better question is --- any advice on shutting this person off and letting go?

[melancholia]

I agree with you that cutting off contact altogether is the right move, but I had to ask to add another perspective to the mix. If you know casually seeing each other isn't the right move, then it is definitely best to just cut all ties.

As for advice on how to forget her...that's tricky, because you won't. She will pop into your mind from time to time, and probably often for the first while; eventually fading away until you don't think about her unless something reminds you of her. On the one hand, you're lucky it wasn't long lived, because you have a better chance of moving forward quicker than if it had lasted even a few months, as opposed to the several weeks you spent talking to/seeing each other.

What I do suggest is that you cut her off from any social media content you use, because it makes it so much harder to move on if you see their daily interactions on a regular basis. Another suggestion that I'd like to heavily offer, is to go out and date anyone you can. Literally go out and ask everyone out that you can get a date with, even if you aren't necessarily attracted to them, or if you notice they have imperfections. The key here isn't to find your soulmate, it's to develop connections with people you may not have expected. You will most likely meet a lot of duds that you have no interest in seeing again, you may also meet some new people who you develop friendships with, and who knows, you may find another person you feel as strongly about as you do this woman... the point is to go out and meet people, connect with people, and try some new experiences you may not have opened yourself up to before. If you go into these encounters without any expectations, other than to just have fun and enjoy the company with someone new, you may be pleasantly surprised by the people you will meet. Even if you have a bad date with someone you can't stand, at least you can sit back and laugh about it later. But the point here is to put yourself out there so you can learn what you like and don't like about love interests, and what you want or don't want from a relationship.

As you focus your energy on yourself, and your life, your career and interests, you will eventually start to put these thoughts to the back of your mind. You may never be able to forget this woman completely, but you can absolutely move on from the point you're at now, and you can open yourself up to the idea of loving someone again, as long as you allow yourself to be open to it.