long difficult road

[jayjay30]

Well He and I have been together since December 15, 2007. Everything was Great than i got pregnant with our son-in comes the problems(his family and my family). Our son was born December 8, 2008. We had his sister and her large family living with us-NO PRIVACY-then our son was born-NO BONDING TIME as a family with our son or with my 4 daughters.

He was convinced in Feb 2009 by said sister to leave me-he did but came back in less than a week when he realized what she was saying was lies.

THEN in June 2009 leaves AGAIN because family (his) told him i was no good for him- i take care of him, know when he is coming down sick, clean, cook(you know house wife duties-which i dont mind doing). He came back AGAIN in less than 2 weeks because he realized again they where lying.

He gave me a ring and asked me to marry him the day he came back. So we where engaged for the last 2 years.

NOW go to NEW YEARS 2011-suddenly somebody else yapping in his ear filling his head with junk. IM too 'bitchy', moody-which i am i have mood swings bad. He knew all this when he entered relationship

We agreed he'd go stay with his dad for a few and we would 'date'...well then they convince him he is single and he should be just friends. WELL he told them he is coming back here to me. We've spent almost every day together. THEY dont like it but i told him to tell them to just drop dead we dont need them in our lives anyways.

He is coming back, this much i do know. I trust him and he trusts me. its the BS from outside people that is getting to him. AND its stressing me out to the point that i barely sleep nor eat. I've lost weight. I clean and take care of all the kids.

HIS family has "family" events and do not invite me. sigh.

i love him and he loves me. his family is driving me nuts. I told my family where to go and how to get there. WHY cant he?

[smackie9]

When you want to marry and be a part of someones life, you become a part of his family too. You just can't toss out family. Traditionally you are supposed to join families together through marriage. Since both your families reject you both for dating....it seems to be a losing battle. Unfortunately you didn't heed the warnings that this was going to go down bad and cause you heartache.

I know this is hard but if you want this to work, you both are going to have to try to make peace with your families and invite them to your events and bring them together. If this isn't possible, then marriage won't be possible. Who will be invited to your wedding if you expect him to reject his family like you did yours? Sorry sister, but this is not a healthy situation. What you ask of him is not right...it's down right selfish. What the real problem is, the man you love is a wimp ass that will not stand up for himself and would rather believe in lies and ditch you. If your man can't stand up for you, he isn't worthy hun, and you are fooling yourself that this relationship is going to last.

[MaidenMinx]

I disagree with the above post to an extent. My ex was despised by my family and vice versa. It didn't work. I swore I wouldn't go out with anyone else who didn't get along with my family.

Fast forward to now. I am nearly 8 years in to a wonderful relationship. My parents, step-parents and siblings all gave me faast approval on my fiance. Within a few months of being with him, I knew he was well liked. His mother died when he was 15 and his father was into his 70's by the time we got together. His dad liked me and when I fell pregnant asked me to move in (my fiance was still living at home so he could take care of his dad). His dad pased away 6 weeks after our sons first birthday. Since then our relationship with the rest of his family (all his mums side) has deteriorated. They don't like me at all and think I am bad news. They blame me for the health troubles etc our son has had and at times it can be really hard for us. Luckily, he values me and our son more than the opinion of his family. They truly don't understand our situation and so they think it's 'wrong'. We can accept that and have let things settle to a pleasant level of civility (and this is after they called both the police and child services because they thought we were starving him!).

I too am moody and am learning over time to not just accept this but I am also learning to take responsibility for the effects my moods have on others.

Asking your partner to give up his family is not going to work for you though. A lot of people can have a "F*** YOU!!" reaction when you give them an ultimatum like that. You and your partner need to accept that you are unliked and get on with it. Invite them to relevant family affairs, update them on relevant family news but otherwise you don't need to have much to do with them. Your partner also needs to learn to take what they say with a grain of salt. I personally find it worrying he is so quick to believe the worst of you. If he truly loves you he should be jumping to your defence.

[jayjay30]

our wedding was going to consist of one close friend of his and one close friend of mine. And justice of the peace. We didnt even want a reception. we are doing this for us not them. I REFUSE to let my family run my life. I have never let my family tell me what to do even when i was younger.
he has stood up for me before what led to this was just plain stupidity on both of us. I am moody and have bad moodswings on top of issues with men. So this tiime apart i've used to get into counseling for myself, to fix up myself-after my son was born i slacked in taking care of my looks. we both slacked in a few other areas we focused so much on our son.

[jayjay30]

I disagree with the above post to an extent. My ex was despised by my family and vice versa. It didn't work. I swore I wouldn't go out with anyone else who didn't get along with my family.

Fast forward to now. I am nearly 8 years in to a wonderful relationship. My parents, step-parents and siblings all gave me faast approval on my fiance. Within a few months of being with him, I knew he was well liked. His mother died when he was 15 and his father was into his 70's by the time we got together. His dad liked me and when I fell pregnant asked me to move in (my fiance was still living at home so he could take care of his dad). His dad pased away 6 weeks after our sons first birthday. Since then our relationship with the rest of his family (all his mums side) has deteriorated. They don't like me at all and think I am bad news. They blame me for the health troubles etc our son has had and at times it can be really hard for us. Luckily, he values me and our son more than the opinion of his family. They truly don't understand our situation and so they think it's 'wrong'. We can accept that and have let things settle to a pleasant level of civility (and this is after they called both the police and child services because they thought we were starving him!).

I too am moody and am learning over time to not just accept this but I am also learning to take responsibility for the effects my moods have on others.

Asking your partner to give up his family is not going to work for you though. A lot of people can have a "F*** YOU!!" reaction when you give them an ultimatum like that. You and your partner need to accept that you are unliked and get on with it. Invite them to relevant family affairs, update them on relevant family news but otherwise you don't need to have much to do with them. Your partner also needs to learn to take what they say with a grain of salt. I personally find it worrying he is so quick to believe the worst of you. If he truly loves you he should be jumping to your defence.

i am not asking him to give up his family but to tell them to shove their opinions up their rear and ignore the negatives that they say. this is about me and him NOT me him and our families. they dont like the fact that he and i and our children have created a little family of our own that we both for the last two years have thrown ourselves into it. neither of us went to any family functions b/c we didnt want to be without the other. ive let his father stay with us, his sister. bought presents for his niece/nephews bday. went to his moms on xmas at some point. i try to be nice to them but sometimes it just gets to be too much of a hassle to be nice.

[MaidenMinx]

Ahhh I understand better now and really can relate. I know how lucky I am that my partner is an only child and that he has no direct in laws, if he had closer relatives disliking me the stress would be greater.

The only other piece of advice I have then, is make sure you don't bad mouth his family to him. That was my biggest mistake for a long time. He is between a rock and a hard place and if he is a nice guy he doesn't want to offend anyone or hurt any feelings. To believe lies spoken about you he is obviously quite devoted to all members of his family. This is not a bad thing. I found in my situation the more I ranted and complained about their treatment of us and me, the more he backed away from me. Once I was able to accept that, like me, his family wants whats best for him and all of their stupid interference actually came from a caring place I was able to forgive them. I still don't like them, but I don't have to. All I have to do is respect the fact that they have a place in my fiances life and be civil when I have to be around them. Once I did that my fiance and I were able to stop fighting about them. We don't have to see them anymore than usual but there is no more tension around them.

Take the higher ground and be the nicer person. Though I would be telling your man to grow some balls and tell his family that if you aren't welcome at family gatherings he has no interest in attending them.

[smackie9]

Well if you push, they will push. You are going to have to wave a white flag and call a truce. Maybe you can offer to have his parents over for dinner, show them that you can be a gracious host and have an open discussion about the issues. With some restraint on the defensive side and good communication, they could eventually change their perception of you. It looks like it's all a misunderstanding and so quick to judge...you know he said she said, and then it gets blown out of proportion. Like the other poster said, be the nicer person and never give them a negative reaction....keep your kool. If you fight back they will use that as part of their defence and use it against you. You will also need you guy to stand up to them and set them straight and to support you. You both have been together long enough, you have a son together and you are both adults.

There is a lot of not being mentioned here tho.....you never really mentioned what their beef is, and what relationship you had with your parents to make you cut all ties.

[jayjay30]

Well if you push, they will push. You are going to have to wave a white flag and call a truce. Maybe you can offer to have his parents over for dinner, show them that you can be a gracious host and have an open discussion about the issues. With some restraint on the defensive side and good communication, they could eventually change their perception of you. It looks like it's all a misunderstanding and so quick to judge...you know he said she said, and then it gets blown out of proportion. Like the other poster said, be the nicer person and never give them a negative reaction....keep your kool. If you fight back they will use that as part of their defence and use it against you. You will also need you guy to stand up to them and set them straight and to support you. You both have been together long enough, you have a son together and you are both adults.

There is a lot of not being mentioned here tho.....you never really mentioned what their beef is, and what relationship you had with your parents to make you cut all ties.

i havent cut all ties with my parents i let them see my kids. i call on birthdays, holidays and such. i just dont like being told what to do and when to do it and with whom i can live my life with.

i have been a gracious host. i let his father stay with us on 2 different times and i was very respectful to him. i made him coffee in the morning, ran errands for him if he asked.

[smackie9]

Well then this would be a great opportunity to sit and talk openly about issues. Be the driving force to lay any issues to rest. If you have say a family brunch together, make it your opportunity to start the ball rolling. Food brings family together....it's a huge custom in many cultures, for families to bond.

Growing up, we had to have separate dinners because my grandparents couldn't be in the same room together...it was very confusing to me when I was a small child. Just think what this is doing to your kids....trust me they are more aware of what's going on than you know. Since your son is still very young, he is at the stage where he is very impressionable...you wouldn't want him to grow up knowing the tension between you and your in-laws and your own parents. Just my 2 cents...