Advice needed very badly

[grant1975]

Hi I'm new here and not usually one to ask for advice but I could really use some different perspectives on this issue. It's a bit of a long story to set it up but here goes...

I am in a long distance relationship (overseas) with my girlfriend, which is very tough on many levels but especially the physical/sexual. We are in love and she tells me all the time in so many ways as do I tell her and show her. Last Saturday afternoon she sent me a txt message: "a guy from work wants to have a drink. i know he wants sex. should i go?"

We ended up talking about this on the phone...this is a fantasy we have shared -- her being f*cked by other guys -- but never anything serious (really just something to spice up our phone sex), especially since she has never been interested in casual sex. I told her bottom line she should do what she wants. If she really wants/needs to have sex with another guy (a guy in the flesh) then I would not be mad. I told her I understood how hard it's been for her without physical contact skin on skin (as it's been for me) and I wanted her to be happy. I told her I love her and value her above anything. I was hurt that she was even entertaining the idea but I did not say this to her. I didn't want her to not go just to spare my feelings. I wanted her to do exactly what she really wanted to do. (I wanted/expected her to not go because she's in love with me and the thought of having another man put his hands and everything else all over her and inside her would be incongruous with that love and perhaps even a turnoff.) I didn't think she would go but she did. Afterward (she was with him in his apt for 4 hrs) she called me and told me about it -- not be cruel to me, but b/c she thought it would turn me on. She also tells me she might well go to his apartment again this Friday -- so it's obvious she's looking at this as an ongoing thing. She must have enjoyed it enough then.

I am incredibly hurt by this. I know I told her I would be ok with it (so in a way I made my own bed) but I cant understand how she could be so in love with me and have sex with another man. Does this make sense? Can someone be truly in love and have casual sex with other people? I suppose I could have just posed that question without all the buildup, but I wanted to personalize it to my situation. Now I'm really doubting her love for me (duh), although she continues to say she loves me and has said she would stop having sex with this guy if I wanted her to stop. It just seems like her actions do not match up with her feelings for me. Frankly I'm scared of her now, if this is her idea of love for me, if she can act like this. I'm not sure what to do with her or how I feel -- my mind is in tumult. Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any advice or perspectives on this.

[DoesntMatter]

Man, I don't know, but you asked for my opinion, and I think you might be retarded. First off, I can't see how she wouldn't be interested in casual sex- i mean, who isn't? We're just animals and we have instincts like that. It's normal. But you gave her the OK to go off and fornicate with other guys. Come on, if she was even thinking about it in the first place, considering you have a relationship with her, I see DOOM in your future. And now she might like this other guys cock a lot better than yours, in which case you have no chance.

Like I said I have no experience, but I think applying .5 g of common sense would have anyone come up with a similar thought.

[grant1975]

I hear what you're saying...play with fire, prepared to be burned. Thing is, she's never had any interest in casual sex before -- she said it was a turn off. Somewhere along the line things have changed and she's decided to experiment with casual sex. Actually, I'm glad I found that out even if it had to the hard way, because as you said:

"Come on, if she was even thinking about it in the first place, considering you have a relationship with her, I see DOOM in your future."

I also see doom. Her flexibility to be with other people even on a purely sexual level and with my "permission" (playing into some kind of fantasy) shows a real crack in our relationship. Seems like common sense to me, too. Not to her though (maybe she's not admitting it to herself).

Thanks for your input DoestMatter, it helps.

[IndiReloaded]

"If she really wants/needs to have sex with another guy (a guy in the flesh) then I would not be mad."

You discussed it. She was honest, you weren't. Now you're hurt & you're *still* not being honest about it.

Sounds like your problem, not hers.

[thelonius]

As I had mentioned in previous posts, long distance was not my best friend. Of all the factors that could've caused relationships not to last, long distance played a vital role in mine. I was once romantically involved with a woman who lived miles away from me. Because of our distance [and I can understand the hard times not having that physical contact between you two], we agreed that we could be able to date others [no sex]. As time went on, however, it turned out that what we had for each other wasn't meant to be. One of the men that she dated, turned out to be someone she would move in with, get engaged, and eventually marry. What really sucked was that a mutual friend informed me about her marriage, instead of her directly. Afterwards, I never heard from her since, as my letters from her were left unanswered.

On a good note, her physical absence, due to long distance would also be instrumental in getting over her. Putting myself in your shoes, I'd take this situation as a loss. I still cannot fathom being being in a romantic relationship with a woman, while simultaneously being sexually involved with someone else -- long distance or not. As DM had mentioned, I can see DOOM in this relationship. Let it go man ... and start over. Good luck.

[Ellynn]

This is why long distance things aren't always a good idea. I think someone ends up getting hurt in the long run. We all know that YOU would rather be the person there having sex with her instead of other random guys. It's usually lack of physical contact that brings things to an end.

[grant1975]

"If she really wants/needs to have sex with another guy (a guy in the flesh) then I would not be mad."

You discussed it. She was honest, you weren't. Now you're hurt & you're *still* not being honest about it.

Sounds like your problem, not hers.

I was hurt the moment she brought the idea up for discussion. At that point I realized something was lost between us. Might as well let it play itself out. She was honest about wanting to have sex with another man, I grant.

Thanks for your view.

[grant1975]

Thelonious, thanks for sharing that story. It's a terrible way for a relationship to go out. I think I'm on the same road here. Your last paragraph is how I'm feeling and what I think is the sad truth.

Ellynn, I agree. The lack of physical contact has been too much for her. Her desire for sex, any sex, has trumped her tenderness for me. It was probably bound to happen eventually (to one of us).

Thanks everyone, this has been very helpful. Any other perspectives?

[vashti]

I didn't want her to not go just to spare my feelings.

Why not? I expect to curb my sexual attraction for other men to spare my husband's feelings, and I expect the same of him. Isn't that what relationships are all about?

I doubt there is much of a future left for you with this girl because she crossed a big line, even if you gave her permission to do so. In the future, though, I suggest you try to be more honest about your needs and expectations.

[Gigabitch]

Grant, has it occurred to you that she thinks this turns you on? This is actually a pretty common fantasy- guys getting off on the idea of someone else having sex with their woman. How is she to know that this isn't going on, since you said that it was okay with you?

I had an LDR for a while last year. If my boyfriend had told me that he would understand if I wanted to have casual sex with someone else, I would have assumed that he was doing the same and it would have changed our relationship completely. Frankly, I would have been really hurt by such a thing. I want him to want me all to himself. I am not interested in a man who is willing to share me.

The fact is, you LIED to her about your feelings. What the hell were you thinking?

[derm]

All a bit fuc*ed up to me. First off you did plant the seed in her head with this fantasy of yours.

Yes she want's to shag this guy and just so she wouldn't feel guilty she asked for your approval, knowing what your answer would be.

She was/is probably in love with you but hey you can fall in 'love' [to a greater or lesser degree] with most people of the oppisite sex if you have attraction and enough in common so that's not really gonna hold you togethor. She may be in love with you, but not as much as you are with her.

I had a GF tell me she was crazy in love with me. I wasn't, so couldn't say it in return. A week later I found out she was seeing someone else and wished her all the best, months later she told me she never really loved me at all! Don't know if she was lying or not but she sure seems happier with this guy than she ever was with me! I think most people don't have a clue what true love is, and use the words 'I love you' too loosely

Either way distance relationships are very difficult to pull of long term. They can work but it takes alot of sacrifice, patience trust and perserverance for them to succeed.

[Jimmy1218]

She's a hooker. Burn her, BURN HER!!!!!

[Ellynn]

A lot of females have sexual desires, but if they REALLY want to be with someone and distance unfortunately plays a part.....then they won't go sleeping around w/ other random men. If anything, she would be planning trips to see you!

You shouldn't have lied about how you honestly felt about her being with other men.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. It's derm. Somebody hide all the blondes.

[lovestoned]

Um, okay maybe im not on the same page or maybe im not that kind of person who would do such a horrible thing! so i obvisouly dont think this way.
My opinion is that she loves you, but shes not in love with you, if she were she would never even consider about doing something like that. When you're in love with someone you dont even think about being with another person, or maybe thats just me, yet alone having SEX with someone else! Isnt that cheating?! well, guess not becasue you know about it.
If that were to happen to me i would be so insulted, in my eyes casual sex was such a diry thing its for someone who has no standards for themselves, its not as bad for a guy but a woman should have some dignity.