In Denial regarding the truth?

[poweredbuyer]

Hi all,

I will try my best to keep this short as I know many of you are busy and appreciate your comments. My GF(25yrs old)and I (27yrs) had been dating for 2.5 years. Started of great like any other travelled, enjoyed eachother however one aspect of her personality is lack of emotion at times. I am of East Asian decent(Indian) and being in an open relationship given how old fashion her parents are is not allowed. So for 1.5 years she lied to get out and spend time with me and I did never meet them. After 1.5 years I put alot of pressure on her to meet her parents she was reluctant. Then i found out she was talking to another guy perhaps leading him on and when confronted about it she denied anythign was going on and eventually cut him off after I somewhat pressured her to some extent. Her parents became aware of a big argument we had (she told them..Still wonder why) and that created a bitter taste I suppose. I met her parents once and they're impression wasn't good and told her to "see other people". They were not onboard with it. She continued to date me in an open relationship within my family but her family had no idea. After feeling frustrattion about whether she wanted this or is stringing it along I got episodes of anger in which I lashed out at her at time with abusive comments. She would always forgive and forget and move forward. She would say I want to marry you etc ... but her actions were the opposite. So finally she tells me to have my mother call her mother to exchange details so they can do a whole astrological analysis of the relationship (Typical Brown parents belive in this hardcore) almost 6 weeks transpired no return phone call from her mother to mine. I got upset and asked her she said she avoided giving my number to her mom cause "it didnt match" as expected by me. We got into a somewhat argument 2 days ago and she was upset and said she had to go. Sent me a text saying she couldnt call cause she was talking to her parents. The next day her mom called mine and said "It didn't match were not interested and they both need to go their own ways". Is this over ... i constantly question whether this was a string along or a girl who was afraid to stand up to her parents? ... Because I was angry and sometimes didn't support her the way a women needs to know perhaps she decided following her parents decision was best. She was always polite never got angry at me or yelled everyone that met her thought she was so sweet and really into me.

Bottom line: she hasnt called me or emailed in a few days to even explain from her side. She let her mother break it up which is pathetic. Then again she could be afraid of my reaction or perhaps she doesn't care anymore?.

Its her birthday next week and she sent a invite to all her friends except me to celebrate at some lounge / club. Wow seems doesnt bother her to much.

Help is appreciated.

[vashti]

It sounds in some ways like she was using her mother as a "hit man". People who lack strength and courage to say what they mean often rely upon close relatives to do their dirty work. This happens even in marital relationships.

I'm sorry, my friend, but I think it is best for you to accept that it is over, and try to move on.

On a separate note, I noticed this thread posted twice.. You might want to delete any duplicate threads as they tend to irritate the regulars.

[LostNotFound]

you said quite a few times 'i put pressure on her', 'after i put pressure on her..'

i don't think she was ready to settle down. move on dude

[poweredbuyer]

Thank you both for the reply. I agree she wasn't ready to settle down and perhaps she was using her mother as a hit man. I just figure after 2.5 years a simple email or response to the closure is warranted?. I mean neither of us cheated or did anything as such on eachother the only item we ever argued about was this "parent" issue. I mean she said She wanted to marry me be with me but her actions to face up to her parents were slow and no progress. Should I bother calling or will I look like a looser because I droped my Pride ? ... Which btw I belive if you love someone you don't let it get in the way. I have always been that way perhaps thats why she may have lost respect? ... arghhh women ...

[Gigabitch]

I think it doesn't really matter whether or not she really cares- she's not making her own decisions. She's clearly not going to stand up to her parents, so there's not much you can do.

This whole thing is a recipe for heartache.

[Mish]

Because I was angry and sometimes didn't support her the way a women needs to know perhaps she decided following her parents decision was best.

I'm leaning towards this conclusion.

But look on the bright side. At least you didn't marry her just to find out all of these horrors when it's already too late. Thank your lucky stars that you're "off the hook" with this one

[poweredbuyer]

I think it doesn't really matter whether or not she really cares- she's not making her own decisions. She's clearly not going to stand up to her parents, so there's not much you can do.

This whole thing is a recipe for heartache.

She hasnt even called me to talk or explain or even an email. Do you think its clear in her mind its done? ... Should I call her to talk or would that be pathetic?

[bluesummer]

I think you're best to let this whole thing go and not try to contact her. If she wants to talk to you, she will. Otherwise, you are going to come off looking desperate and pathetic, and you are putting her in a position of power. It might hurt, but it's the best way to maintain your dignity.

I think she used her parents to get her out of a relationship she wasn't sure of. She should have been more honest with you, but I guess that just speaks for her character. Count your blessings. Besides, her parents sound like the typical brown nightmare (my in laws were desi, I know all about it....) and would've just made your life hell had you tried to pursue her. Nope, it's a good thing you're out.

[poweredbuyer]

Thanks bluesummer for the response.

No call or even an email? ... thats the part that really hurts the most is she couldnt tell me herself she had my mom call hers telling me they are "expecting a call". In the end they or perhaps her were just buying time. Perhaps due to my anger and temper at times the way I talked to her is why she is not contacting. I just can't believe that someone doesnt believe their is a need to keep things civil no need to hurt the other person with a slap in the face. Im in soo much pain.

[bluesummer]

All I can say is that in my experience, the only thing that can get rid of the pain is TIME and NO CONTACT. Yes, its going to hurt for awhile, but thats what happens when relationships end, and you will remember it for next time.

Not talking to her is not being uncivil, it is simply giving her space. Maybe in your absence she will have time to think about things and then she will contact you. Please trust me, trying to contact her is only going to hurt you more, AND it's going to make you look worse. Go get involved in something that will take her off your mind.....and just wait. Likely she will contact you over time. If not, then it's for the best.

[poweredbuyer]

All I can say is that in my experience, the only thing that can get rid of the pain is TIME and NO CONTACT. Yes, its going to hurt for awhile, but thats what happens when relationships end, and you will remember it for next time.

Not talking to her is not being uncivil, it is simply giving her space. Maybe in your absence she will have time to think about things and then she will contact you. Please trust me, trying to contact her is only going to hurt you more, AND it's going to make you look worse. Go get involved in something that will take her off your mind.....and just wait. Likely she will contact you over time. If not, then it's for the best.

Thanks so much yet again Bluesummer. However my splendid sister who barely knows her (hardly talk) decided to call her and say "Hey I heard what happened hope your okay .. If you want to talk call me" ... I got so angry at my sister for doing that. wtf !!!!
She is my sister this makes me look pathetic ... i mean my ex is already sending invites for a big birthday extravagansa at her home she knows I will see it because I know her email password (she knows I checked ths stuff). Should I send her an email or not say anything? ... I just for my peace of mind need to know this is her decision ... I mean she might call in a couple months but thats just to poke and cause pain ... I often question whether she loved me or is this a cut throat desi girl??? ... so much has transpired between us two abortions n she views me as a "okay time to move on" ... hurts ... Im really in alot of pain ....

[damian127]

ok really you may have to honestly let go i find that if you i have the urge to check her email and hell probaly myspace as well then the relationship is really falted somewhere. If you think that it may have been your reactions that have caused this distance or rather her fear of ltalking to you then maybe you need to look at that for that type of stuff doesnt go away on its own and it will be right there ready to sabatage the next relationship good luck though but any good relationship starts with yourself

[bluesummer]

Sounds like you guys have a lot of history, and that certainly makes it harder. But I stand by what I said. Do not contact her, even if your sister does (btw you should tell your sister to butt out). And don't check her email! It's really not doing you any favours, it's just getting you upset, obviously.

It just doesn't sound too good for you, my friend. Plus I'm sure you well know that if her parents aren't approving of you, it would never happen anyway. Do what it takes to get her out of your head. Me, I moved cities to get away from my ex, because that's the only thing that would work. Hurt like hell, but I'm better for it now. You'll be fine, just don't panic and do anything stupid.

[poweredbuyer]

Hi All,

Thanks once again for your support and responses. I am really having a hard time with this one to be honest. I have found that the last 4 days I been drinking excessively and total self destructing behaviour. I am complete useless at work and not getting things done. I just started a new job been 1 month and called in Sick yesterday cause I was hammered. I think what would give me peace is for her to tell me as opposed to her mother. Or perhaps she spoke through her mother. But I find it harsh that no warning sign of this.

[vashti]

I am a little worried about the anger problem, the drinking problem, the invasion of your ex's privacy, multiple abortions, etc. It sounds like there is too much badness to base a healthy relationship on. You and her mother had a war over who was going to pull the strings, and it looks like she won. Get yourself together, put down the alcohol, and get it together. Drinking will only compound your problems.