"On a break" - How to cope?

[staringspace]

Hey everyone - new here, and could really do with some advice! Sorry, fairly long post.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and been involved for 2 1/2 years. We turned LDR in September as we were both going to separate universities (he's 19, I'm 18). Now we're back home and have talked properly, he decided on Monday that we needed to be on a break for a bit - he says he needs the time alone to figure out what he really wants. He says that we aren't how we used to be, we've both changed and he hasn't been 'feeling it' like he used to.

I can agree that things haven't been the same. Things have been hard and he's been very hot and cold with me, especially this past week leading upto Christmas - although I leave that down to the fact he's been confused about what he wants - even if I was annoyed and upset with him acting the way he has been doing. He even admitted himself that I'd been putting in a lot of effort, he hadn't been putting in as much and that I didn't deserve that. I think this was the best time to have a break as he's going away over New Year, which means we aren't pressured into seeing each other.

However, he's also said that he misses how we used to be, and that this isn't necessarily 'the end' - he said he still loves me and that even when I said most breaks don't turn out good, he said this might be different. He said that he doesn't want to see the break to be for seeing other people, and when I asked him whether there was anyone else, he said 'no' and that shouldn't be thought of in the equation. On top of this, he said he didn't mind me telling people that we're on a break and not properly split up.

All in all, I don't really know how to deal and cope with it, and him. I know nothing's set in stone as of yet, but I don't want to hurt anymore than I already do - but I don't want to move on if he decides he wants to give us another chance and make more effort. I want us to not only be happy with ourselves, but be happy in each other's company by the end of this - be that as friends, or more. My boyfriend has been with me through so much - my Mum died at the end of August because of her breast cancer, and my Grandpa died at the end of November too. It's been a pretty **** year, and at the end of the day I'm really scared of losing a guy who has given me so much support, and I don't know what I'd do without him.

Advice would be fab.

[iamkayelem]

College/University is a huge time in everyone's life and it is not at all uncommon for "breaks" to happen around that time. Especially when you've been in a committed relationship for a few years beforehand. It's a time in everyone's life when you grow up and mature a lot is a very short period of time (most people, anyway). He may want to focus on school or if he is a party-goer the whole being in a relationship could really bog him down. I know he said it's not because of someone else, but everybody lies sometimes. Although that doesn't necessarily seem like the case with him, there's always a little part of you that will probably feel like that's the reason. It's great that he's been there for you, and no matter happens hopefully you can always have that.

As far as what you should do right now... be as happy as possible. Stay occupied. Don't pester him. If he sees/knows you are really happy and he isn't happy, it's going to make him feel like he is missing out on something. Everyone knows long distance relationships are hard work, and the expression absence makes the heart grow fonder. So, maybe he needs to not be with you for a little bit to miss you and want you again. When you get into a very comfortably relationship and all the butterflies go away, you need something to keep an attraction going. Sometimes a break helps.

All the best.

[sookie6]

There is no such thing as 'being on a break'. This is a concept that just does not fit with the reality of a relationship. You are either togather or not.

I think you should break up altogether during your time at uni..or you might be missing out on major stages in your development as an adult and pay the price later. I mean:

- everybody needs some alone time before they become responsible adults
- you need to focus on what YOU want for now rather than trying to make your lives work together somehow
- you need to make more friends, possibly experience other relationships

If it's meant to be your paths will cross again. It seems heartless I know but this is one of these choices in life when you need a clean cut.

[Boisdevie]

Need a break = I'm no longer interested in you but don't have the guts to tell you to your face

[smackie9]

I totally agree wit the last two posters. Relationships will come and go. This one has ended, the next will end and so on til you meet your future husband, but that should be years down the road. This is, as difficult as it is, a new chapter opening up to you in your life. You are young and have so much in front of you. Enjoy the new experiences and new freedoms that are ahead of you. In uni you will be exposed to so many new and exciting things. Embrace the idea of making new friends and meeting new guys to date and have firtatious fun with. It's ok to just let go and move on. You will heal, and feel happy about your life once again.

[SelflessnHumble]

He decided on Monday that we needed to be on a break for a bit - he says he needs the time alone to figure out what he really wants. He says that we aren't how we used to be, we've both changed and he hasn't been 'feeling it' like he used to.

In a somewhat normal relationship (not a LD one) both parties should come to an agreement.
Obviously there has been a breakdown or a lack of communication on both your parts but
what you have to realize and understand is that people can change when they are acclimating in different environments.
This is a natural process and ultimately choices have to be made.

Even though you did not mention the build up to this break up give the man credit for
actually sitting you down and telling you...this says a lot about his character rather than you having
to find a picture of someone else, or him out and about with someone else during Christmas break or what ever...

I can agree that things haven't been the same. Things have been hard and he's been very hot and cold with me, especially this past week leading upto Christmas - although I leave that down to the fact he's been confused about what he wants - even if I was annoyed and upset with him acting the way he has been doing. He even admitted himself that I'd been putting in a lot of effort, he hadn't been putting in as much and that I didn't deserve that. I think this was the best time to have a break as he's going away over New Year, which means we aren't pressured into seeing each other.

He's got every right to feel how he does but YOU
don't have the right to be annoyed with how HE feels.
That is selfish behavior period and only further pushes him away
and proves the point you two DO need a break from this relationship.

However, he's also said that he misses how we used to be, and that this isn't necessarily 'the end' - he said he still loves me and that even when I said most breaks don't turn out good, he said this might be different. He said that he doesn't want to see the break to be for seeing other people, and when I asked him whether there was anyone else, he said 'no' and that shouldn't be thought of in the equation. On top of this, he said he didn't mind me telling people that we're on a break and not properly split up.

This is what we call uncertainty and again, is a natural part of life.
You cannot put this on him because YOU cannot deal with it.
He said what he said to soften the blow and not to hurt your feelings because
I can see he doesn't want to hurt you, not intentionally anyway. Still, you
have to be prepared for whatever he may decide on. If you cannot cope with
this anxiety of uncertainty you have a choice to act here.

You too have the right to feel the way that you do, no matter if it is right or wrong BUT
when you put it back on him <---------This is not right.

All in all, I don't really know how to deal and cope with it, and him. I know nothing's set in stone as of yet, but I don't want to hurt anymore than I already do - but I don't want to move on if he decides he wants to give us another chance and make more effort. I want us to not only be happy with ourselves, but be happy in each other's company by the end of this - be that as friends, or more. My boyfriend has been with me through so much - my Mum died at the end of August because of her breast cancer, and my Grandpa died at the end of November too. It's been a pretty **** year, and at the end of the day I'm really scared of losing a guy who has given me so much support, and I don't know what I'd do without him.

Look I'm truly sorry for your losses. It can take a toll on you, I understand that.
When it comes to unconditional love think of it like this:
The one that ends the relationship (especially in this manner) just didn't love you
the way you needed to be loved and that there is someone else even better for you.

Patience, and understanding are cornerstones for unconditional love and he is debating on
whether he has enough to stay with you...

In the end when you rely on someone more than your own self: THIS is irrational.
And this is why you "feel" the way that you do: because you don't control your emotions...(and they can be controlled)

You don't follow your heart: you lead it instead make sense?
Your reply shouldn't be, "yeah I know, but...."

He needs to live his life for HIM not for you.
You need to prepare yourself for bad news and when and if he does tell you this
You need to look him in the eye, grab his hand and ask, "Is this what you truly want?"
If it is?

It is time to move on and you cannot turn back at the whim of man with buyer's remorse.
Let him sleep in the bed he made and you will find someone who unconditionally loves you.
I don't think he does if he has to put you on a mathematical scale to see what he should do
because he is confused... <----------Men don't get confused (which to me is a red flag)

LDR don't work for this very reason.
Your relationship lacks the affirmation and intimacy needed to maintain it.
You might be groomed for a LDR but he may not be, so don't blame yourself.
The situation is not ideal for a lasting committed relationship.

[staringspace]

He's got every right to feel how he does but YOU
don't have the right to be annoyed with how HE feels.
That is selfish behavior period and only further pushes him away
and proves the point you two DO need a break from this relationship.



This is what we call uncertainty and again, is a natural part of life.
You cannot put this on him because YOU cannot deal with it.


You too have the right to feel the way that you do, no matter if it is right or wrong BUT
when you put it back on him <---------This is not right.

I haven't been putting anything on him at all - I gave him the chance to have the break instead of just asking him for an answer straight up. I'm also not annoyed at the way he feels, I was just upset with the way he was acting - for the pure reason he has been very hot and cold with me, and as a result I've been very hurt by his actions - even if they weren't intentional.

I know we aren't in the ideal situation and it is indeed hurting me very much. But, I'm not the type of person to give up easily and I'm willing to see what he has to say at the end of this break, instead of coming to any rash decisions.

[SelflessnHumble]

I haven't been putting anything on him at all
- I gave him the chance to have the break instead of just asking him for an answer straight up.

You don't see this do you?
You had originally said that HE sat down with you and said "WE needed a break," right?
This means he decided for the both of you because: you didn't have a say in it.
You allowed it without saying how you felt, you might think this was a nice gesture
but it wasn't. You tacitly agreed with what HE had decided.

I'm also not annoyed at the way he feels, I was just upset with the way he was acting - for the pure reason he has been very hot and cold with me, and as a result I've been very hurt by his actions - even if they weren't intentional.

You originally said you were both annoyed and upset with him.
The way he was acting: IS HOW HE FEELS!! Actions are the result of emotions which are the result of thoughts.

I understand why you were hurt...
But internalizing them so that he can decide what he wants while not
voicing what you want is ludicrous because what you feel needs to be said.
You're basically avoiding facing the music because you "want him."
You're delaying the inevitable by keeping quiet.

Are we to presume that when you get annoyed and upset that it doesn't leak out
and that he would never suspect it? People are perceptive even if they don't show it.

I know we aren't in the ideal situation and it is indeed hurting me very much. But, I'm not the type of person to give up easily and I'm willing to see what he has to say at the end of this break, instead of coming to any rash decisions.

If you want to tough it out then that's great.
Just don't turn it back on him and tell him "I waited for you and you still dumped me" or anything like that
because that wouldn't be fair considering you know he is confused (for whatever reason) and doesn't know what he wants.
Even though I suspect it's because he doesn't think you'll take it good if he dumps you and
maybe he doesn't want to hurt you either.

[VincenzoG91]

Need a break = I'm no longer interested in you but don't have the guts to tell you to your face

That, or sometimes it means "I want to cheat on you without technically cheating on you, and if it goes well, then I plan to dump you."

Either way, if somebody wants a break, just breakup.

[Sarcasticshoe]

Im really sorry how things are panning out. I either feel that a relationship can start as a long distance one, then move forward, or can go through a short time being long distance, assuming there is serious commitment and a "back together" date set. Long distance relationships just dont work for people in college... There is so much going on, and so many new experiences... I feel a LDR would really hold you back. Have a great time, I guarantee you will meet someone wonderful on your campus.