First of all, the title isn't as bad as it sounds, there's 2 parts to this.
The first is the "suffering". I talked to Betty last night and she told me that she feels that even though we may suffer being apart, that this is something
special and worth suffering through to have thatchance to be together again after the summer. That, if we didn't have to suffer and face hardships in this
relationship, that we wouldn't value it as much or know it's something special, rather then if it was easy or simple.
The other part is jealousy. She is a little jealous at times but she tells me she doesn't want to feel that way , it's just hard knowing what she sees in me and thinks other girls will see it too. Last night I told her that my friend Steve wants me to go with him and his wife, to take his friend who's visiting from California, to a Chicago dance club. I told him i'd go because he wants me to come, not because I really want to go. I was honest with Betty and told her this.
She wasn't upset but she felt a little disheartened because she knows I will be in a place where men and women dance and she is not there with me to share that, and will worry that women will hit on me. I told her "I am not going to meet women, or even dance with women. I'm only going to be with my friends and dance or drink with them." She said that "I know I cannot ask you for anything, it's only been 2 weeks, I am sorry that I feel like this inside I know it's not right to act like this towards you. I believe you that
you will not be with other girls or things like this, but I know that I will have trouble sleeping because I will be thinking of you. It's just that my ex behaved
like this but in a bad way and did not care that I thought of him."
I tried to reassure her and said "Honetly, I usually only go to clubs maybe oh...once a year." she goes "Oh, thank you thank you so much! I'm so glad you are not like that!" I said "I like to go out and have fun with friends or gf's, but we hardly ever go to clubs. If I had a gf that wanted to go with me, it would be different but nobody has so far." she said "Maybe when I am done with camp, we can go somewhere together and dance." I told her that would be fun. She said "Please do not think I do not want you to go out and have fun, I want you to. I will just miss you as always." I told her that i'd love for her to come with if she could, there's no question of that. She did ask me if I drink alot and I told her "only one or 2 drinks the whole night. I want to be able to think clearly." and she asked "If you had more, would you...not be able to think and be bad?" I said "No, no. I've never done anything bad when drinking like you think of. Besides, I will not drink more than 1 or
2 that is how I always am. I do not enjoy just drinking for the sake of drinking." (She basically wanted to know that if I drink that i'll lose my
inhibitions and go after some women. I'm not like that, never have been.)
We also talked about our pasts a little. I told her that I have learned from past relationships that I have to be myself, and explained to her how I put on a cocky/macho front with Joy, but that wasn't really me. I explained to her that Joy fell in love with the fake me, not the real me and that when she figured out who I really was, she wasn't happy. Meanwhile, I wasn't happy not being me either so I want to just be me with her and see how she feels about who I really am. Betty said "I did the same thing with Tony. The
first 2 years I acted like someone else, and then when I just was me, he didn't like me anymore. But I stayed and tried to work things out. It was so hard work to be someone else and I wasn't happy doing that. I know
now that I have to have someone love me for who I am, not what I hope they would want." (same sentiments exactly!) I told her "I am stronger now, for being weaker in the past and learning from it."
We did talk about nice things too. She said how when I touch her, it makes her feel in ways she has never felt before from anyone, even Tony when she was in love with him. She said that nobody has ever touched
her (and I don't mean just sexually) with the kind of passion and emotion that I have and that she knows now what she has been missing in her heart. I was really surprised at that and that cleared up ALOT of doubt I
was feeding myself unnecessarily. She is a BIG romantic at heart and was commenting at how beautiful the moon looked through the trees that
night and how bright the sky was. I told her that "I do not need the moon, all I need is you, to light my way through the night." I could hear her melt through the phone. ;-)
I did get confirmation to come visit Sunday from "Grandma" on the phone and then told Betty. She was SOOO excited and couldn't stop saying "Thank you, thank you God for this." It will only be for one day and we will not be able to be close to each other, (kids and Nazi Nancy are there) but we will be
together again and that's what we both want.
So good times ahead I think, even with times getting
difficult. I'm excited at the possibilites for good things with her.