advice about my lazy boyfriend

[Cleo]

first a little intro:
my boyfriend andrew and i have been together for about 6 months now. we're both freshman in college. im 19, he's 18. he lives on campus. i live off-campus. i met him in my writing class, and before we started dating i noticed how he always used to glance my way from across the room. after class he would strike up conversation with me about the most random things. he was really sweet in the beginning, and kind of weird. he always wanted to spend time with me whenever he could. i felt a bit smothered at the start to tell you the truth, but no doubt i felt loved. it was exciting back then.. but things have changed a bit since...

my situation:
these days, it seems all andrew does is sleep all day because apparently he's up all night. I'm friends with his room-mates, so they give me the status report every morning, lol cuz we're tight like that. they tell me that he plays video games all night.. thats why he's so tired during the day. he doesnt even get up for class anymore. i barely get to see him. he's so lazy and irresponsible sometimes.. i dont understand it.

when he is awake during the day.. which is very rare, he kisses me once and sometimes that's all he gives me. he just goes to the dining commons to get food or go back to playing those stupid games on his laptop. this has been going on for about 3 months.

i told him his sleeping habits bothered me. we barely spend time with eachother because of it. i have a few classes with him, but he always skips so we never walk together anymore, and barely talk. i eat lunch with my friends or by myself now.. i used to eat with him all the time. i miss him so much, and i tell him that every chance i get. we never go out on the weekends anymore. he doesnt ask me out.. it's as if.. he tried his hardest just to get me, and now that it's done, he thinks he doesnt have to try anymore. he's taking me for granted and i'm seriously tired of it.

i asked him to at least try and change so he sleeps at night instead of the day.. you know, like normal people. "I'm sorry, and i promise I'll do my best to change it" andrew made an effort, i'll give him that much, but it only lasted for a week or so. now he's back at it. he's broken too many promises.. i lost patience with him yesturday, and we got in a fight. that night.. i called him up and told him saying that even though our relationship is on rocky grounds, I'm willing to try and make it better if he's willing to do the same, and that i loved him. his reply was "jee, thanks"

what the hell does that even mean. it seemed like such a cold hearted answer. if it keeps going on like this, I'm going to end it with him. i gave him plenty of chances. i love him so much, and i dont know if i'll be okay if we break up, but it must be better than waiting around for something that might never happen.

do i have a right to feel this way? or am i just being selfish.. maybe i gave him too many chances? or too little. please give me advice, im sorry for the long post. any replies would really be appreciated.

[WhatsLove]

I'm certainly not going to get points as everyone's favorite poster but to be brutually honest...he's just not that into you anymore. Sorry...seriously.

He probably liked the challenge when you first met. Now apparently he's just bored with life but to his credit he doesn't want to dog you so he doesn't go out. IMHO his actions say he feels unsatisfied with his life so instead of dealing with it he detachs himself in a false reality (aka video games). Call it over analysis but I'm telling you its bang on. He has issues that go far beyond you as he has no interest in his whole life in general. Being that you are both young it could be a temporary faze but it is what it is. If you're not willing to wait it out then go find someone else who's more in touch with what they want. He's in a time of soul searching and you're too reliant on his validation.

[misombra]

either accept this is the way he is, or let him go. you're in the middle of a very important lesson best learned now:

you can't change anybody. you can't control what anybody does. you can only change and control yourself.

he's also very young, and likely to grow out of it one day.

one day meaning a long long time from now.

[vashti]

If he is chronically lazy, that is a personality type. You can't change basic personality types.

Listen my friend: you are very young. This is the time in your life when you get to decide your own future. If you can't see yourself with such an underachiever, best to admit that NOW, and not waste your time. We've seen plenty of women come on these boards and complain about their husbands who are hooked on the video games or porn or whatever. They don't even step away from their bad habits to spend time with their KIDS. Don't be one of those women.

[lesa]

Don't try to change him or expect for him to change anytime soon. You have to decide if you can deal with his personality. To me it can be somewhat fortunate to learn of a partner's true personality sooner in the relationship rather than later.

[1averagejoe]

Ewww...videogames.

I used to be an addict like that in middle school to about sophomore year in high school. There were times where I would put in 13+ hours a day playing video games.

Broke my habit when grades started suffering because of it. And I don't doubt his will as well. Like everyone mentioned, you can't change people. Either put up with him or leave him. Don't even try to change him, you've already seen what that does. I've seen video games ruin lives...and it's going to ruin his relationship with you.

[Lipp]

If he's stuck playing games behind a laptop I'd definately advice you to give him the ultimatum - to drop the games or to drop you. And if he picks the latter it's obvious that he's into it too deeply and/or no longer interested in you, so you're better off breaking off now than hanging on for the inevitable.

[Gigabitch]

Ugh. Dump his lazy ass. You can do better, and you should.

[GrkScorp]

when he is awake during the day.. which is very rare, he kisses me once and sometimes that's all he gives me. he just goes to the dining commons to get food or go back to playing those stupid games on his laptop. this has been going on for about 3 months.

Sounds like a life waiting to change.., do realize that you can actually save him.., put his life together.., and pull him out from his miserable and pathetic way of life.., if you want to..

This is what I told my brother.., who also used to play games like it was his job or something..

"Let me ask you something.., what do you think about a family.., sitting in one big room.., and just spending time together.., all watching tv?"

Him: blah blah

"Well.., if you can almost picture this.., in your head.., what it would look like.., to see a family.., you can think of us if it's easier to imagine it.., and as you picture it.., now think about how it would look like.., to look at this family.., from the point of view of the tv.., can you see everyone just looking at you?"

Him: blah blah

"And what are they doing? Are they looking at eachother.., or not? Are they talking to eachother? Are they getting to know eachother better? And.., as you think about that.., I know it's kind of a strange thing to think about.., but can you just imagine this family.., 6 months from now? Just 6 months from now.., from today.., what's changed? In front of this tv.., as they're sitting there.., now do they know anything more about one another? As they sit there watching.., are they growing closer as a family? Do they know who the other members really are? Do they know them well? Do they know them like family? Well.., as you think about that.., try and.., if you can.., think about this family.., 1 year from now (same questions).., 2 years from now (same questions).., 5 years from now (same questions).., 20 years from now (same questions).., and just before they make that cross over.., death.., whatever you call it.., when they look back.., at themselves.., at their life.., what can they say about it? Are they happy with it? Is there anything they wish they would have done that they didn't do? Is it a good feeling they have.., or do they feel that something is almost missing? Think about it.., what do you feel?"

Him: blah blah

"Now.., I want you to think about that.., but take your time.., only as fast or slow as you're ready to.., think about what the little things you do in your life.., and how they could have such a big impact on the grand scale of things.., only this time.., imagine looking at just you.., nobody else.., just just you.., from a 3rd person's point of view.., almost like a game.., and try to picture yourself through a computer monitor.., looking at you.., how you look like through this monitor.., looking at you.., and now.., don't think about all the negatives from being on that computer.., that's not where we're going with this.., don't think about what the point is at the end of the day.., of getting your character at a higher level.., or winning the game.., or any of that.., just imagine.., that instead of doing that.., instead of sitting there.., at any time of day.., and doing all of that.., that you did something else.., just that small change.., to try and imagine and see what impact it could have on your life.., and just think about.., something smaller than 6 months from now.., let's just say.., 1 month from now.., can you think about how your life would be like.., one month from now.., if you would stop playing games.., now.., how different would it be? what would be different about it? what changes would you see most? Can you see yourself having more time to learn new things.., or just more time to enjoy yourself with the friends.., family.., and others that you already love? Or maybe you can't see any of that.., and the only thing you can see.., is at the very least.., your life.., being a little more organized now.., in just one month.., how you're more on top of school and work.., maybe less stressed.., and as if you can almost see your entire future a little more clearly.., now.., that's good.., but what about 6 months from now? (same questions).., 5 years from now? (same questions).., 20 years from now (same questions).., and at that cross over.., when you look back at your life.., and all the things you were able to do.., all the moments you enjoyed.., not just with people.., besides all those times you had with people you loved.., just all the things you learned.., all these things you were able to be.., for yourself.., how happy are you with how much you were able to grow into this person now? Looking back.., do you feel that there were things you actually regret doing or not doing? What are those things? Why do you feel regret for them? Do you think.., that given the chance now.., if you had maybe a couple of extra years.., you could do all those things? Or some of those things? Good.., well.., you're still healthy.., I think you have more than a couple of years ahead of you.."

Him: Blah blah

"Sort of weird.., I know.., but I was just reading up on the mentality of really successful people.., like Steve Jobs.., and how the strongest motivator for him.., was death.., and that he looks at himself in the mirror every morning and asks himself.., if he knew that even the smallest choices he made today.., would affect the rest of his life.., would he still choose to live his life that day.., the same way? And if the answer to that is "no" for too many days in a row.., he knows he has to change something.., Being face-to-face with death.., has made him realize just how valuable life is.., and he said it's ironic people give him credit for the Apple computers and the iPod or iPhone and all that.., because he never bothers with any of it.., every time he looks at them or catches himself playing with any of them.., he asks himself.., how he's using his life.., what he's doing with it.., and if playing with any one of those things.., is more important than spending time with his family.., his loved ones.., or doing the things he really enjoys doing.., or even just growing as a person.., and it might sound simple.., but that's all it really takes.., to keep Apple running.., and growing.."

Best,

GrkScorp

[GrkScorp]

Notice.., a non-invasive approach..

You're not sitting there.., telling him.. "get off the computer! you insensitive jerk! you don't care about me! how I feel! your stupid games are more important to you than all these other things?"

I have no idea why people choose that mode of getting people to see things from the right angle.., but an indirect and non-invasive approach just works better.., you've starting off with something very tangent.., and then when you get into talking about computers or games.., you do so in a positive manner.., with the tv.., you are asking him to imagine the negatives from watching tv.., with the computer or games.., you're asking him to imagine the positives of NOT doing those.., and then closing with why you bothered to bring this up.., because it was the mentality of successful people (in fact true).., and finished with Steve Jobs.., something he can research and discover to be true on his own..

The reality is.., that he continues to do all this.., because he hasn't considered.., at his own pace.., with his own mind.., the answers to come very key and fundamental questions.., and all you're doing.., is helping him do just that..

Unless you try to really get him to change.., the right way.., then you can't really say that you even really bothered to try.., notice.., the indirect & non-invasive approach required care.., sensitivity.., and understanding.., on your part.., only someone who really cares about him is in the position to do that.., which also means that someone who really doesn't care much.., won't bother with this approach.., and will opt for a quick.., easy.., and ineffective.., nag-fest.., which will get them both nowhere..

If he really is the lazy-bum type who will end up being a cheque to cheque drunk at some trailer home or studio apartment.., no matter what you say to him.., then after you make the effort to try and get him to feel these feelings for himself.., and you don't see any change on his part (again.., operative word: "see".., you don't need to investigate.., snoop.., be on top of him.., pressure him.., push him.., ask him.., nag him.., etc.., to "see" if there is any change).., if you don't see any change.., then you really should leave.., some people really don't want to do anything with their life.., they can never see how the choices they make will affect their life in the future.., so they will continue to make those choices.. and nothing you can do or say can change that.., but just because that's the case.., doesn't mean you have to live with it.., you both "can" and "should" leave if you tried but he isn't interested in changing for his own good..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Junket]

Sometimes I wish I could be so carefree and play videogames all day or night.

Those were the old days.

Ahh, the old days.

[DarkDwarf]

Ugh. Dump his lazy ass. You can do better, and you should.

I second this.

[Tedel]

Nothing to add... If he's not what you are looking for in a guy, then dump him. You are not married.