drifting apart

[Sean S]

Hi ladies, I'm new to this forum, and I hope you can steer me in the right path..

My name is Sean, I am 21 (young and naive) and I have been dating my girlfriend for three and a half years. I love her like mad, and i wouldn't be able to live without her. She has said she loved me, though she doesn't utter it much anymore, and I know theres still something there, I just hope I can find it again..

Up until recently, we were always the couple that did everything together. It was great because we got along so well and just could relate on a really personal level. And it was exactly like that for well over 3 years. But, in the last little bit, i have been noticing she seems less and less interested.. It seems like some of the relationship things are getting pushed to the side. I always find myself having to be the one to initiate hand holding, or kissing, and there has been little to no spending time together just for the sake of spending time together.. it's always if it's convenient or she needs me to bring her something, or "insert reason here".

Here's where it starts to mix up even more. Recently, we have been looking for apartments to share together because we are still university students, and the economy is really bad where we are, and we cannot afford to live on our own, and, being the oblivious boy that i am, could not detect an ounce of discontent with the idea. We had been looking for well over a month when it happened.

This is a good time to throw in that we got very distant from all our friends when we got together, and it didn't help that we moved to another city..

My girlfriend went to a party one night with some friends she just met, and stays out later than she ever had before. Then all of a sudden the next day, she calls me in tears (and this is a BIG deal, because she has NEVER called me in tears), saying that she isn't ready to move in yet, she is only 20 years old and she wants to live like a "normal 20 year old". Of course, silly me, here I am sitting wondering where the heck this is coming from, and thinking that what I have is much much better than if I were a "normal 20 year old". The outburst was definitely because I had called late the previous night at like 2 in the morning to make sure if she was still okay (I was worried... it was 2 :S). She was, of course, still at the party, and to her it seemed like I was checking up on her (maybe I was? i didn't mean it like that..) I listened to what she had to say, and I felt like it was all my doing.. She has few friends because i'm always around, and I'm too clingy and call/text her too often. I said I would give her space and I'm trying to respect that to date, but she used to be the exact same way less than a month ago... which is naturally why I am confused.

Ever since that day, though, she has instantly stopped wanting to have me over to sleep with her (and i mean just sleeping). We used to sleep together every night because we liked being close to eachother, and then, all of a sudden, she doesn't.. I rarely see her during the day, even when she isn't with her friends, and every time I try to do anything like say "I love you" or "i miss you" or lean in for a kiss, she acts like it's a chore just to be by my side.. I wrote her a song one weekend to try and let her know that I still love her because the other gestures were not working, and instead of a smile, i got a frown..

I know she needs friends, i know she needs a life besides me, I know she just doesn't have time for me sometimes, and I know she wants more alone time, but with all of the above reasons, I just feel like there is no room left for me. I think I am going through withdrawl if there has ever been such a thing. My entire body aches with loneliness whenever she snaps at one of my small grabs for attention, and then i'm up all night, trying to piece together why i was wrong to say what I said, or do what I did, and it just eats away at me.

I want to respect her wishes and give her room, but i just don't understand how she could (probably the wrong analogy for this thread haha) take our relationship from full throttle to idle overnight, while here I am still trying to recover from the shock of rarely seeing the girl that, up until recently was the centre of my universe.. She says she's sleeping magnificently without me around to crowd the bed, yet I rarely sleep at all anymore.. I feel more and more that maybe her wishes don't include me anymore, and if I give her any more room, i'll be pushing her out of my life..

All i've ever wanted is for her to be happy, I'm just hoping that maybe you ladies can offer me some advice that doesn't end that way..

[vashti]

I think you should go about building your own life and social network without her. Even if she ISN'T planning to break off with you soon (which looks like a distinct possibility), it is unhealthy for you to not have your own life.

Relationships at your age are statistically unlikely to last because you are both still growing into the people you will be as adults, and both of your needs will change. People are more likely to grow in different directions when they are so young. For this reason, you must make a separate life for yourself so you aren't alone if/when you break up.

You say you are a university student? I think you should look into joining some clubs and study groups. Make plans to meet with people. Not only will this be better for you should your GF break off with you, it will also make you look more appealing to your GF if you aren't sitting around moping while she has a life.

And yeah - I think you should forget about having her as a room mate (even if you work things out).

[Sean S]

Thank you for your input vashti.

I always liked to think that we were different from everyone else, and that despite being young, we could make it work, but i guess every couple hopes that at one point or another, regardless of the outcome.. I realize that I need to meet other people (unfortunately realising this far too late), and to make more friends so i have someone else to spend time with, but in the past, the reason I have resisted is because I typically get along with girls (as friends) and tend to not-so-much with the guys. This never really went over that well with my girlfriend, as you could imagine, but maybe that's just another sign that this is not meant to be... Nevertheless, you're right, i need to get out and meet people

If there still any amount of fire there, though, I want to try to give it another chance.. Might you have any suggestions on how to go about seeing whether she is still interested without coming off as needy? My gut instinct is to just give her some time, but i feel like this might be my one chance, and I don't want to blow it by standing by idly..

[t0ri]

I would suggest you give her the space she needs. She may feel smothered or controlled, and trust me - if you keep asking why, and other questions, and prying to get to the root of all this, and conveying your undying love for her, it just might push her away. I know it may feel like you have to try harder than this, but this is what I think you should do: simply tell her that you love her more than anything, and would do anything to make your relationship work because she's the one you want to be with forever (or however you feel), but you're going to respect her desire to live more independently, and leave it at that. Resist the temptation to check up on her, text or call constantly, bug her about sleeping with you or why she's not doing this or that anymore. Just trust that she loves you and know that if you keep freaking out about this, she may end it for good.

Your mind is still going to worry and it will be difficult to not talk about what is going on all the time, but she apparently needs time to breathe. Independence is an attractive quality, both for men and women. I think you may be too dependent on her, and need to realize you can live your life without her. You should make her a huge compliment to your life, but not your entire universe.

I just went through this. My boyfriend of 2 years suddenly started pulling away, and I was confused and tightened my grasp on him, which ultimately pushed him completely away. We're in the process of working things out, but don't make the mistakes I did. Now I see clearly that I was too dependent on him, made him my whole world. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to be with me twenty-four-seven anymore, when I still wanted to. It was because I was dependent on him, and he was craving his independence back. I wanted us to live like 1 life together, when in reality: you each should maintain your own life. Let her have independence without you crowding her, and go find yours! It seriously will make the relationship so much better. Good luck

[vashti]

I agree in general with the above advice, but want to add that you would be wise to decide how long you will wait around for her. maybe you can tell her that you love and want her, but want to give her a break, and that you will call her in a week or two to check in and see how she's feeling. Don't bethe guy that sits aorund for months waiting for her while she starts dating other people.

[t0ri]

Definitely agree with Vashti about that. Give her her space, but don't let her walk all over you!

[Naples]

Awe, you're sweet. You got together when you were both 18. By nature, young people grow, change and evolve every few years. See if you can get reacquainted. See if the 21 year old Sean and [insert gf's name] have as much in common as the 18 year olds. Don't try to hold on so tightly to the way things WERE... change is permissable. Love endures if you allow it to adapt. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised :-) Best of luck!

[Sean S]

Thank you for all your advice ladies it's helping more than you can imagine just to share with someone. Intrinsically, I am admittedly one of those "gets walked all over" guys, so I will definitely take your advice to heart.. i could see myself waiting for months, if not longer..

And naples, you're right on the money. The missing link is all the friends that i left behind shortly after i graduated from high school, and moved to a strange new city.. i've been doing nothing but sharing my life with her, and now it kinda feels like we've soured the relationship because we've already shared it all... i suppose my relationship needs that time when we long for eachother.

Progress though : I've been giving her nothing but space for the last couple weeks, and she seems to be missing me somewhat. She called me today (she hasn't been the one to initiate the call in quite some time) so things are looking up a little

You guys have been a great help throughout this, I was pretty close to doing something stupid..