Hi there,
First post, I'm keen to get some advice. I apologise for the length of the post in advance, and I encourage you to read it and post your advice and opinions on this; its because I'm so clueless as to the cause of this situation that I feel compelled to seek some fresh eyes that may allow me to derive some understanding and gain some insight from these events.
Probably best to start off by pointing out that I'm gay. I couldn't see anything in the FAQ about whether this is a forum for heterosexual relationships only; please feel free to tell me if this is the case and I can delete the post. However, I also really value the opinion of heterosexual men too. I strongly believe that the natural biological differences between men and women make heterosexual and homosexual relationships totally different in their dynamic and the way the partners interact (I've experienced both), and I feel straight men might have some understanding about what occurred.
A little bit about myself to give some context. I'm 24 years old, and gay. I live in Sydney in the CBD (the centre, like lower and midtown Manhattan is to New York). I grew up in Sydney, come from a loving and supporting upper-middle class family, albeit with divorced and remarried parents. I went to a private school, and though I had some difficulty as a teenager, rebelling against authority, and generally acting up, I finished my final exams with acceptable scores.
The advice I'm really seeking is some insight into a short relationship I had that finished about 2 months ago. I met a Canadian guy, a permanent resident over here. We met on a dating/hookup website. I know this might be perceived as unseemly by some, but when heterosexuals outnumber gay people so substantially, and you're not greatly keen on the gay scene in this city, it is very rare to meet single gay guys in regular social or professional situations, rarer still to meet someone where there is mutual attraction, so these websites do have some value in my opinion. This is even the case for someone who lives in probably the most cosmopolitan and gay oriented locale in Australia, as I do.
When we first started chatting online and then on msn, we were immediately attracted to each other, though our discussions were more oriented to possible intimate liasons, rather than dates and a possible relationship. We organised to meet at a bar in the city after work and get some dinner together at one of the Japanese restaurants neaby (he lives in the CBD too), so we could meet and get to know each other better. That first night we met, we hit it off immediately. He worked for a large multinational doing IT work, though our companies had quite a few business dealings together, so we talked shop for a while, before the conversation turned to everything else imaginable. We found the bar closing, 6 hours had gone by and we were totally enraptured by each other's company, intellect, and there was a strong physical attraction.
We didn't go home together, we both had work he next day, so we gave each other a hug and said our goodnights, and made our way to our home, though we both sent texts to say what a wonderful time we had and emphasising how keen we were to hang out again soon. We met a few nights later after work, so we got some Korean and some saki, and a DVD, and we went to his place. The time we spent together was wonderful; after some dinner, we talked about our backgrounds, our families, our upbringing, and we were physically intimate that night. I know forum rules are clear in their prohibition of obscene or overtly sexual descriptions, so I'll just say that what we did seemed so natural and wholesome, and our nights together had been so gratifying in every way, that it filled with me with confidence, anticipation, and a host of other feelings encompassing excitement, desire and strong attraction.
We started seeing each other about 2 - 3 times a week. We would go to movies and sit in the back row, kissing and cuddling like we were teenagers having our first experience of mutual attraction. We had a lot in common intellectually, and we were happy not to rush things and. The routine we settled into, spending 2 or 3 nights a week together, and we had a great time. We did romantic, sometimes silly, things for each other. When I caught a cold and took a day off work, he cooked me chicken soup that night, and we cuddled up and watched DVDs. All of these things filled me with feelings of strong attraction, respect and I was starting to fall for him.
This pattern continued for about 8 weeks; he was going to Thailand for a week for the birthday of a friend who permanently resides there. Leading up to his departure, there were mass demonstrations in Bangkok and some violence between the different political groups. Naturally I was worried, but accepted that he understood the risks, and it was his decision to make. I drove him to the airport, and waited with him while he checked in his baggage. When we parted, we held each other for a long time, and I gave him my best wishes for the trip and expressed how much I looked forward to seeing him when he got back,
He sent me some very sweet emails and pictures from Thailand telling me what he was doing while he was there, and asking how I was. I sent back similar emails, and sent my best wishes. We kept in touch every second day or so, nothing over the top.
He came back on a Saturday night, and was exhausted, so we spent Sunday evening together. He brought me back some gifts from Thailand, we checked out photos from his trip, and he gave me some gifts he'd bought for me over there. We spent the night together, and I did ask him whether he considered we were in a relationship, or we were starting to become a couple (all our actions up to this point seemed gravitate in that direction). He didn't give a definitive answer.
From the next day, and all that week, he was sick with flu he seemed to have picked up in Thailand. I offered any help that I could, and said that if he needed anything to just call or text and I would help out in with anything (like doing any shopping he needed, buying him some DVDs to pass all those hours at home, cook for him if he needed a night off / didn't feel up to it). Each of the offers was rebuffed, and he said he didn't feel up to seeing me,and I didn't push any further past Wednesday night.
On Friday night, I texted him to tell him that I needed to pick up my watch that I'd left at his place. He invited me to come and pick it up. When I arrived, (and this causes me to cringe with embarrassment now with hindsight), I brought him a rose, some chicken soup (an inside joke for us, I'm half Jewish so its practically antibiotics for one side of my family, and he'd done the same for me when I'd had flu early in our relationship). I also brought a DVD for him as he was still feeling unwell. He seemed a bit distant and uncomfortable. I had sensed something a bit amiss all week, but I hadn't said anything. I asked him obliquely if things were okay between us, that I was worried about him with the flu etc. He said to that me everything was fine, hugged me closely and assured me that he was okay.
That was the last time I saw him in a romantic kind of way. Two days following, on a Sunday, he sent me a text message saying that he felt that our relationship wasn't working, that we were too different to continue in the direction we were going, and that he did not want to continue to see me in that kind of way, though he emphasised that he valued my friendship and company, and wanted to remain friends.
I am so mystified by his decision considering how things had been between us; even his manner of breaking up, by text message was totally out of character, considering how much of a gentleman I knew him to be and how coarse and disrespectful it is not to tell someone that sort of thing face to face.
I've seen him one since then, which was not a social or romantic encounter but just the stitching up of some unfinished business, and we didn't discuss the issue.
I've had one long term relationship that lasted about two years (with five years of very close friendship to follow), and a few short relationships, so I'm not exactly incompetent when it comes to understanding other people's feelings and intentions in these sort of situations. More importantly, to me, none of my past relationships had the romantic quality, wholesomeness, selflessness and feeling of natural progression that this one seemed to have.
I ask for your feedback, your insights, into this and hopefully post some comments to help me understand what happened. We had agreed to get together for a couple of drinks about a month ago, but he piked out citing some excuse or another, but assured me he was keen to hang out some time soon. He also called me late last week at a fairly late hour (9:30pm); I missed his call and I haven't returned it yet. I still feel some attraction to him, but more importantly would appreciate basic explanation and a proper conclusion to all of this.
Over to you, if you could get through my mass of details and paragraphs, for which I again apologise. What do you think happened? Any insights or understanding or the issue, and advice as to how to proceed in the future on this is also certainly sought and would be very welcome.
CnfsdAlx