Suddenly noncommittal

[applewinds]

Hi everyone,

I am a 25 year old female. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man for over 4.5 years now.

In my teen and college years - I was always very into the idea of having a boyfriend. I was a late bloomer in the looks department and my senior year of high school is when I experienced my first boyfriend for over a year. We broke up to go our separate ways for college, and only a couple months later, I found myself in another relationship. This relationship lasted almost 2 years. 6 months after breaking up is when I met my current boyfriend. So in college I was always in a relationship with the exception of those 6 months. I have since graduated and moved away to a big city with my current boyfriend.

So needless to say, I haven't had much experience being single as an adult female - maybe 8 months of my life. I never saw this as a problem as I was very into committing myself to someone and almost found myself the clingy/jealous type who was ready to get married (though never asking him of it). This part of my personality has faded a ton. I find myself now as a great girlfriend who never gets jealous and isn't clingy at all. In fact, it's as if I have gone to the other side of this and find myself wondering what it's like to be with other people (not so great girlfriend).

The problem is I am so in love with my current boyfriend. He is so wonderful to me and supports me when I am in need (for instance when I didn't have a job) and his family is so perfect. He's gorgeous, talented, and goofy and we get along great. The dog I got before we met is practically like our child. We are a family now I feel like. We talk about getting married and having kids like it's obviously going to happen. I feel so incredibly lucky...

But recently I find that I don't even know if I want kids...I've never actually had a feeling that I wanted them - I just figured it would kick in eventually. As for getting married, with having all these thoughts in my head of what life would be like as a single woman, I am terrified of the idea of marriage now.

I have to admit that in the past months I haven't felt satisfied sexually. I think it mostly has to do with my mental state of being attracted to my boyfriend. When I met him I thought I had fallen into heaven and met the most gorgeous attractive man I would ever meet. But to be honest, when it came to sex there was never a big spark. It was in no means bad sex, but I never felt like it was explosive and passionate. With all the other positives in our relationship and studying away at college, I put my sexual needs on the back burner and didn't really care about them. I thought good sex was good enough, but now I am craving something more along with being more free.

I think breaking up with him would be so painful and I would probably think it was the biggest mistake of my life with how great we are in every other aspect. I feel like I'm changing though and I'm not sure if it's a phase I'll get over or if I need to address it before it explodes on the day he proposes (which is probably years down the road).

I would be grateful for any advice. Thank you!

PS - We've talked about making things better for me in bed. Not sure if this is TMI, but he doesn't last very long. I don't think I've ever had an orgasm (not sure if I can even have one). He's pretty awesome at trying to make himself better without being offended. However, as I said earlier, I feel a lot of it is my mental attractiveness to him...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think these are pretty normal feelings. I would not advise breaking up with your boyfriend on this whim. It doesn't sound like he's pushing you to get married and have kids, so why not just enjoy what you've got with him for a while?

If you really desire explosive, passionate sex or more partners, then you should break up, but make sure you consider all the good things you're leaving behind(sounds like you are). Explosive passion isn't always such a great thing, especially out of the bedroom, but I do see where you're coming from. Relationships run their course, and this one might have if you feel very strongly that you want to be with someone else. I suggest not making a snap decision is all.

[smackie9]

I have some questions. How was sex with the other reationships you had before him? Have you ever had an orgasim? Can you have one with your own hand? Have you tried using a vibrator? Have you looked into G-spot stimulation?

[applewinds]

Thanks for the fast replies!

BackUporGetStng - I agree. In my head I am more so on the side of staying with him. It's a small portion of my personality I am battling with I think.

Smackie9 - Sex in past relationships was good also. Although I feel like in my earlier relationships I was a growing teen/early twenties so my hormones were raging and I got in the mood much easier. I find it harder to be in the mood now, even though I am mentally horny (if that makes sense), I feel like I have to try so hard to get in the mood with my boyfriend. Sometimes I can't quite get there and end up physically just letting it happen knowing in my head I'm not in the mood. Also, I have never had an orgasm. I've tried with my hand, with a vibrator, and I can never get there. I think that's my own issue and it's not something I even expect him to figure out. I really just want some great sex that satisfies me.

We've been living together for over 3 years so needless to say we know everything about each other. I almost wish we lived separately so that we could go on dates as if we were just starting to date. However, living in NYC, moving apart would be a financial disaster for both of us as well as a heart break as questions would come up with the idea of it.

Any ideas of how to freshen up a relationship? We've bought toys etc, and that's all good and fun, but I need something more mentally stimulating rather than physically stimulating...

[Ginger2013]

I think if you're not satisfied in one area of the relationship, you have to decide if that dissatisfaction is a deal breaker or not. For me, bad sex would be a deal breaker most definitely. Not everything is perfect all the time, but if your dissatisfaction leaves you feeling empty or alone, weighing your options is important. Can you imagine being with him for the rest of your life and not experiencing an orgasm with him? It seems as though he's willing to try things with you, which is considerate, but is it enough? Only you can decide if the rest of him/the relationship is strong enough to look past the sex stuff.

[namemyname]

I think you're way too young to settle. It sounds like he fulfills *some* needs, but not all of them.

It's up to you how important the missing parts are.

I can tell you, that relationships are like real estate. You'll rarely find 100% of what you want.

[amour.infini]

well don't you feel that any healthy relationship should have a certain amount of being physically and mentally attracted to your mate? To me that's part of what the "spark" is. Being unsure of the future is not a bad thing at all. I think its great that you are thinking of what both sides of future would be like. It's fine to talk about eventually getting married and having children, but that doesn't mean it has to happen right away. A lot of people cant see them selves getting married or having children at all, and then it might or might not change. I think the key is just to enjoy what you have now, and worry about the future when it gets here. As for being sexually satisfied, well there are a lot.....................a lot of different things you can do to spice things up. Sex is a pretty important thing in a relationship. It says a lot more about two people than just "doing it." Typically men do finish before women, so some actions do have to be taken. Like more foreplay, or talking to him about going that extra mile till you feel satisfied also. Communication is the key, tell him what you would like in bed and what would excite you more. Eventually, in the future you might want kids or want to get married. Just don't let these thoughts cloud and distract your relationship at this point and time.

[smackie9]

When you have an ogasim, it releases a bunch of chemicals in your brain like dopamine which creats a deep emotional bond with your partner....that is probably why you are feeling different with him because you don't have that. All realtionships settle into a calm state...totally normal. Passionate sex fizzle out a bit, and turns into a more deep loving experience.

If you can't experience an orgasm by your hand or vibrator, don't expect being with someone else is going to achieve that for you.

Have you thought about seeking out a sex therapst?

[applewinds]

When you have an ogasim, it releases a bunch of chemicals in your brain like dopamine which creats a deep emotional bond with your partner....that is probably why you are feeling different with him because you don't have that. All realtionships settle into a calm state...totally normal. Passionate sex fizzle out a bit, and turns into a more deep loving experience.

If you can't experience an orgasm by your hand or vibrator, don't expect being with someone else is going to achieve that for you.

Have you thought about seeking out a sex therapst?

This is a good point and something worth thinking about. I don't have health insurance right now so I'm not sure if I'm applicable to see a sex therapist without running up a huge bill. I'll look into it though!

Nevertheless, I still would like to be able to have more passionate sex (even without orgasm) with my boyfriend. I would eventually like to orgasm, but I need to do something about upping my attraction to him first. I think I am a very mental person and without that attraction I don't think orgasm is even possible.

[smackie9]

Try Tantric sex. Read up on it it might be something worth trying. Have you both thought about having an open relationship or inviting another person? Watch porn together?

[VerticalMoon]

Some of these questions such as whether to stay with your boyfriend or whether to have kids are questions you will need to answer yourself. The best advice I can offer is not to make any major changes- marriage, kids, breaking up, etc. until you're certain of what you want. Even if your boyfriend proposes before you've decided, it's always fine to say, "I'm not sure I'm ready. I need more time to think it over."

I went from expecting kids, to being unsure about the issue, to making a decision that I know was the right for me, so I can give you some pointers on how to make the decision. The first thing I'd suggest is talking to both people who are parents and to older people who decided not to have kids about their decisions. See what each side has to say. What they like or don't like about their decision. That really helps to clarify things. The other recommendation of what helped me is coming to terms with the fact that you can't know what it's like to be a parent without being a parent. All you can really know is what it's like not to be a parent. So you have to make the decision based on that. Are you happy and content without kids or is something missing from your life?

Extrapolating from the kid issue to the decision as to whether to stay with your boyfriend, I think the same thing applies. You can't know what your life would be like if you were single. All you can know is what it's like to share it with him. So you need to ask yourself, do you like sharing your life with him? Do you like having him to come home to? There's always going to be good things and bad things in every relationship, but just thinking of the total over-all picture, do you like what you see? Is it something you want for to always keep or not?

The issue of whether to stay with your boyfriend and whether to have kids may also conflict with each other. If you stay with him and find that you differ with each other about wanting kids, then another problem comes up. In that case, the next question you need to ask yourself is which is more important to you- the relationship situation or the kid issue? One of those might end up making the decision for the other. It's best if you can figure these things out before you get engaged. You don't need to make a decision over night, but it's good to give these things some thought.

About raising your attraction, I think it's normal for a lot of women's libidos to decrease after they've been in a relationship for more than two years, so that could be the issue with you. You probably know better than anyone what sort of things turn you on. If you're into thinking about different scenarios, you might want to try role-playing out some things in the bedroom. Looking at sex stories, may help get you in the mood or give you ideas for role playing as well. The website literotica.com/stories has a fair amount of different ones, although I should probably warn you that a number of the categories of stories they have may be disturbing to some people.

[smackie9]

If I heard the words "I need to think it over" it would be over for me.

[smackie9]

Applewinds, the internet is full of useful information. If you can't afford a therapist then just Google your questions and it will link you to all kinds of useful information. Looking for someone new I feel is not your answer at this time. There are a lot of women out there that have the same issue about sex as you do. IMO this is what you should be addressing because even if you meet someone that is passionate....it will wear off and the cycle will repeat itself.

[applewinds]

Wow, great replies here. I appreciate all the advice.

The kids and marriage is definitely years down the road so I guess I can let go of that for now. and I do believe it would just be a cycle to start over.

Also, thanks for the link! I actually read erotica books already to help boost my libido. It's been one of best things I've tried and I love it!

So I didn't mention this part as I figured the initial attraction part was the problem, but what do you do when you find yourself crushing on someone else? I have a neighbor that I see in the park as we both have dogs and it's a common dog-walk area (the only one in my area so I can't avoid it as it's the only place with trees in a couple miles radius) and we talk every time we see each other. I have a lot of friendships with dog walkers in the area so it's not uncommon, but this guy and I seem to have a connection and I can tell he tries to go out of his way to talk to me. He is single and talks to me about his dates, life, etc and knows I have a boyfriend. He has never been direct or hit on me, but I can tell there is something there when we see each other. I can't help but sometimes think about him as he is an attractive guy. No, I don't see that he would be a long-term choice if I were ever single, but there is a sexual attraction. I realized this when he came up in one of my dreams recently, which turned sexual and now I'm trying to get him out of my head and trying to be a good girlfriend. I would never take action on this chemistry we have, but I wish I didn't have this attraction as it makes solving my relationship problem that much harder.

I feel horrible writing all of this online, but I really have no one to talk to about this part.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dump your boyfriend and give the new guy a whirl. Maybe he can get you off.