Urgent: Does my girlfriend love me or not? (please help)

[filmbuff87]

So my girlfriend and I (I'm 25, she's 20) have been going out for going on 10 months. Officially (i.e. facebook, etc) only six months, but we retroactively counted the first three and a half months. I recently told her that I loved her, and this was what she said in a nutshell.

"You're the best thing in my life, you're my best friend, I care about you a lot, and I have strong feelings for you, but I don't want to fall in love, not now or for the forseeable future."
"I don't want to date anyone else, but I want you to be happy."

In response I told her that I didn't need to hear it back, that even though I love her, I'm not exactly looking for a future spouse right now either. My proposal was "if we both have strong feelings for each other (even if mine are stronger), why don't we enjoy this while it lasts?" She's not looking for love, I'm not looking for a wife, so we wouldn't be denying each other anything more than what we have for the time being.

My question is...does she actually not love me? Or is she just afraid to say it/admit it to herself?

Some background:
She's a very kind, giving person (lots of charity work), is very close to her family, not at all into casual dating or partying/sleeping around (she's a virgin). Her last serious relationship ended 3 years ago, but it ended badly (he cheated on her). Her parents divorced when she was in middle school. She's said before that her fear of serious relationships is not due to insecurity, but simply due to her pessimism. On the other hand, this is the same girl that got choked up at her sister's wedding that she brought me too, and enjoys a good romantic comedy every now and then...so she's not completely cynical.

We're meeting tomorrow to figure things out. Because we both enjoy each other's company, and because neither of us want or need anything more, I would rather us stay together until we're forced to break up. Right now I don't feel like we have to. We can live in the moment, without any pressure, expectations (or even labels), and as long as we're good to each other (which we have been for 10 months) I don't see the problem in continuing what we have.

She said that she's almost certain she won't ever be able to say "i love you" back to me, but she was adamant that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her belief that "I don't want to be in love."

She compared her one experience with love to when she ate curry. "I tried it, didn't like it, and I don't want to try it again." The combination of that and then telling me that I'm the best thing in her life and that she doesn't want to date anyone else has me very confused. What should I do?

I know this was long, but I can't seem to find or meet anyone else who has had this specific problem.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't bother making long-term plans with a 20 year-old. She sounds like a good person, but she still has some growing up to do, and the person that she becomes in a few years will probably end up with somebody else. Instead of trying to figure everything out tomorrow, I think that you should just enjoy her company for now. The two of you may grow closer or drift apart later on, but there is no way to know or plan that out right now, so don't even try. Putting a label on something doesn't guarantee the future.

[filmbuff87]

Thanks. I've been well aware that I shouldn't make any long-term plans with her. My next question is...how do I convince her this is what I want for the time being? Her response to my proposal (which wasn't very eloquent because I had just thought it up...I didn't expect that when I told her how I felt I'd be faced with the possibility of us not seeing each other anymore, so I tried to come up with a solution) was "let's regroup in a few days when we're thinking clearer." The thing is, I've thought it all out over the past few days (as you can see above), and this is what I want.

[smackie9]

You haven't met anyone who has this issue because the majority of people are not virgins. The mechanics of dating as a virgin is totally different. They will come across these issues, and in her case, can't cope, because she doesn't have the maturity yet as understanding relationships and how they work...living a restrictive life will do this. She still believes in fairytale romances and the white picket fence....the reality is that relationships are something you have to work at, problems will arise, and if you don't have the experience to deal with such things, it will have damaging results.

She definitely needs time. The best thing you can do is back off and leave it alone. Just romance her, support her, and let her learn to "believe" again.

[filmbuff87]

So stick with her, just don't bug her about the "love" thing?

That's my plan anyways. I'm just trying to make sure it's the right one.

[smackie9]

The silly part of this is that she should have brought this up months ago.....why didn't she? What the hell was she expecting? She is just afraid because she is falling in love and she is having trouble dealing with it. So ya give her some time to feel more secure about where this relationship is heading. Not sure how long you want to wait. Maybe give it a few more months and see where you are at, make your decision then.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Filmbuff, this really is pathetic. You're going to continue breaking your back for a girl that said she'll never love, and won't even **** you?

You lead a sad, pathetic life. Just kill yourself.

[filmbuff87]

^ Guess what, asshole...I havn't been breaking my back one bit for her. We treat each other great (and I mean that, she's very giving, she traveled to India to help young orphans...she isn't ungrateful or selfish or disrespectful), neither of us are looking to get married anytime soon, and I don't need sex to be happy in this relationship (we do everything else anyways and I'm content with that). Besides, she's been considering making me her first more and more lately and as I've already mentioned, niether of us want to break up, so why should we?

The fact that you resort to telling a complete stranger on a friggin' internet forum to kill themselves is what's sad and pathetic. Insecurity at its finest.