Hi there, I'm new here. I've never participated in a forum before, but I have seen some REALLY smart advise here and I'm a bit confused about my current relationship. My post is long, so I'm going to do my best to condense it.
Background: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years. I’m 27 he’s 34. Right around our two year mark, I started to get very uneasy and feel unsettled about the prospect of our relationship being permanent. We love each other and we’ve talked seriously about getting married after I finish graduate school though not in much detail. I'm worried there are some compatibility issues:
First: For one of our first dates I took him spelunking and I thought it was great. He was great. The following week he went on and on to friends and family about how crazy cool it was. It was something he would have never done, but was so glad he did.
Now: This year I thought it would be cool to go on another adventure and thought, “Why not try another cave route?” This time I got a lot of complaints and there were moments of frustrated bickering. From the time I started planning the trip all the way to the end I just felt like a big jerk for dragging him into it and ‘making’ him do it. WTH?
Another trip that we both agreed to take months prior was one to Palm Beach to visit my grandparents. They’re pretty cool and live just across the street from the beach (he loves the beach)…so…what could possibly go wrong, right? Again, I felt like a huge jerk for dragging him kicking and screaming to get tickets. …But of course, after we got back he thanked me for ‘bugging’ him into going, how he needs to do it more often, and how he hasn’t vacationed in 10 years.
The only problem is that after that I felt … totally and utterly discouraged. It hurt my feelings that he would be so resistant when it came time to meet my grandparents. And I feel like I have to work way too hard now to connect. Is that normal?
Never: Also, there are more intimate things I’d really like to do that he’s just not into…like back massages…or couples’ yoga… The thought of getting all tangled up together and just feeling relaxed and connected is totally hot. I've tried to get him to try these things for two years. He just won’t.
The only thing left now that I am desperately trying to connect with is music…which is something I love. I try hard…with enthusiasm …to try to find that one song, that one artist, that we can both love and jam out to…maybe even sing poorly to... So far, no success. Nothing I find penetrates him. *Sigh*
In a nutshell: In the beginning of our relationship he pointed out how he appreciated my more creative adventurous side and how he could really benefit from a having a woman in his life that would encourage him to try things. He’s very conservative and traditional. Shortly thereafter anytime I try to get him to try something he keeps insisting that he’s a grown man, he knows what he likes and doesn’t like, knows what wants to do and what he doesn’t…it doesn’t matter if he’s never tried it or if he's tried it ‘that one time 7 years ago’. WTH?
I still feel kind of defeated by the relationship. I just want something that clicks. I don’t really want to play the field; I’m kind of over that. Ultimately, I want something that lasts and is meaningful but I’m not sure I’ve got the concept of ‘relationship work’ right.
This is my first adult relationship with a person who actually has shown me serious commitment, isn't in some sort of crisis, and has stood fast and unwavering for me when things have fallen apart (like a real man should). I don’t know what to do with it.
I feel kind of damned-if-I-do and-damned-if-I-don’t about it. If I stay I feel like I might be giving up large chunks of who I am, and if I go what good would that do? Wouldn’t I just be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire?
Any outside perspective would be helpful. I’ve found some really intelligent, thoughtful, and supportive posts at this site and I’d like to know what you guys thought, so…What do you think? Is there a real compatibility issue here or am I just psyching myself out? THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU in advance for sifting through this with me!