Did I Overreact Or Was I Justified?

[lysander]

I apologize for the length of this post ahead of time. I will try to keep it as short as I can. I need some objective feed back on a situation that occurred tonight. So here goes:

The back story:

My girl friend (We'll call her Melissa) and I are both in our mid 20's and have been together about six months now. It honestly feels longer to both of us (in a good way). Things have been going well - we are very much in love.

However, about a two years before I came into the picture my girlfriend had been dating a guy (We'll call him Sam) for about two years I think. One day Sam up and decided to move to California to "Do his thing" and left Melissa high and dry because he couldn't be the person she wanted or something to that effect. They tried initially to do long distance (she lives in NJ), and she even decided that she wanted to be with him so much that she would move out to California with him to be together. He declined her offer and said he wanted her to stay in NJ. So she did. She was single for about a year or so and then - enter me.

As I said we have been dating for a little over six months and things have been going well. However last month, we were out with a group of friends just talking and she received a PIX message. I wasn't being nosy (truly I wasn't), but she was standing with her back to me and I couldn't help but see a PIX msg downloading on her phone.

I get crazy stupid PIX msgs from my friends all the time, so I really was expecting something goofy. Well what I saw was the PIX msg was a photograph taken of a drawing of two people holding hands with text saying, "Look what I found!!!". Melissa responded something to the effect of, "Oh I remember that! Don't throw it away!!!"

Now when I questioned Melissa what exactly the pic was she got (I didn't really see it well at first), she got very uncomfortable and would not answer me directly. Well I found out the next day after a pretty intense talk what the pic was and that it was in fact, her ex-bf Sam that sent it to her around 11pm est.

I was a little put off by this, but Melissa assured me that her and Sam only talk once ever few months.

Tonight (three weeks later)

Now that you have the back story, this was tonight's happenings that I am unsure of how I was supposed to react to.

I'm a bartender at a local, not very busy bar on Saturday nights. Melissa was off today and spent the day doing whatever. Around 9pm she txt me saying she was thinking of stopping by. Obviously no big deal, I was excited to see her.

So she came in on the phone and sat at the bar with her GRE book she's been studying. She had been on the phone for about the first 15 minutes she was at the bar. After she got off, I walked around the bar and greeted her and we chatted for a few minutes about the day.

Then her phone rang and I saw her look at it and immediately put it on silent. I had to walk away at almost the same instant to grab a drink for someone on the other side of the bar. In that time, Melissa picked up the call and began talking with someone. I will admit to being mildly nosy and listened in a little bit.

She was telling asking this person how things are, what's new, updating them with her life and what was going on and on and on for about ten minutes. She ended off with, "Ok well give me a call soon, bye."

For some reason I decided to ask who she'd been talking to. I don't know why. But she immediately got very uncomfortable and said, "Oh no one important" and left it at that. So I got very put off by this, because she has been very truthful with me about just about everything with very, very, very few, if any, exceptions. So I pushed her further and asked for a straight answer.

By now I'm sure you've guessed that yeah ... it was Sam again.

Now I don't know if this was supposed to be no big deal to me, but to be honest, I got very mad. Melissa questioned what I was getting upset over and I explained to her my feelings about Sam. Her rationale was simply, "He called me, I didn't call him."

I felt that logic didn't help matters and got ever more angry and, was labeled a very, "Jealous and insecure person" due to my reaction. I very much disagree, but I do not want to give my impression of the situation for fear I will be making obviously very subjective comments and reasoning.

This is where you come in. Did I over react? Am I just jealous and insecure or do I have some reason to be a little miffed about this? I just don't know. I know how I feel, but I don't know if it's necessarily the reaction that most "Normal" people would have.

I appreciate the feedback, and again, sorry for the length. But thanks for sticking with it if you are still here!!!

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I think I'd have gotten mad at the fact that she wasnt straight up from the get-go. It would send thoughts through my head. I would be wondering why she couldnt tell me it was Sam from the start. Is there something to hide? Things of that sort, you know. I dont know if I would call it overreacting, seeing as if I were in your shoes I would've gotten mad as well. Before blowing it out of proportion, I'd look more into the situation. I'd probably sit and talk to her about it and explain to her in a calm way that I dont really like it, not in the sense of telling her to stop talking to him, but to stop being so secretive about her phone calls from him.

[Trista22]

Dude, you so DID NOT over react! You had every right to. This girl has not let her past go and that could end you up with alot of unsettled emotions. I suggest you let her know upfront. "You eiather be with me, or have you phone relationship with "sam" End Of story. You deserve better and if she won't stop this bull crap end it!

[shh!]

I think you overreacted, unless you have some significant reason for not trusting her. He DID call her, and not the other way around. The fact that she doesn't come right out and tell you who called is probably due to the fact that you react badly when she does.

[starbuck]

It depends on your level of anger. There is nothing wrong with telling her you feel strange about him calling her. However, if you blow up and start getting accusatory then yes, that is an overreaction.

She took the call in front of you, so it doesn't seem like she had anything to hide. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless you notice that the calls are more frequent or she begins to hide more from you.

[zebra19]

you did not over react.. she is hiding something from you, and that means there IS something to hide. if there was nothing important, then she would not have hid it from you, nor get uncomfortable. this guy is bad news for you, ask her politely to share every detail with you from now on. she has to remember the simple rules of being in a relationship. good luck!

[zebra19]

oh, and you can ask her if she has told him that she is in a relationship of 6 months with you. that guy needs to know where to stand.

[Zehx]

Hell No. Don't let that fly, those two obviously had very strong feelings from each other in the past, and he would not be sending her memorabilia's from the past unless he had intentions of stirring around some old emotions they used to share. The fact that he called some short time later was a follow up, and it will only get worse. Unfortunatley for you, acting jealous and getting upset will only push her to talk to him more and more as your relationship becomes strained. The appropriate action here if this is to the point i think it is, is to begin to allow her what it felt like to be alone and attempting a long distance relationship with him. Obviously it did not work the first time if she is with you now so perhaps you need to remind her of that. Show her that she is pushing you away by making yourself less available to her, do it quickly so there is no question as to what may have caused this sudden change in you

[NOLA CBD]

I would be upset as well. But just be calm about it and never be accusatory. Like someone said earlier... she should be more aware of the basics of a relationship. That is, don't do things to upset or bother your mate. If she truly wants to be with you, this should not be a problem and it should not be seen by her as a sacrafice. One of my ex's kept in touch with her ex. Well, come to find out years later... she was cheating. And boy did that hurt. Just be careful. There is no logical reasons for her to be subjecting you to this. She knows better, yet she is still doing it. That is a problem. But just be calm about it and explain to her your feelings on the matter. This is all very basic relationship etiquet, and you should not feel guilty for wanting her to follow it.

[shh!]

Wow, I had no idea there were this many overly-possessive people in the world. "Rules" of a relationship? What if HER first rule is "I'll talk to whomever I want because you don't own me"? It doesn't sound like she is having regular contact with the guy, and making unreasonable demands will only alienate her. It is smarter to get her to prefer talking to YOU.

[misombra]

yup. play it cool and make her prefer talking to you.

the jealousy thing is doom!

[NOLA CBD]

He doesn't sound jealous. This isn't just any random person here... it is her ex. I can't believe there are people who wouldn't be bothered by it. Can you honestly say that you would not be bothered by your mate being in constant contact with an ex? On top of that, not being upfront about it? Come on... be honest here.

And this "I can talk to whoever I want!" thing... that's silly. So your significant other is free to carry on flirty conversations/texts/phone calls with as many people of the opposite sex that he/she pleases? Sorry... I just don't believe it. There is a line that has to be drawn somewhere. Personally, friends are fine no matter how many of them there are, regardless of their sex. But an ex is where I draw the line, and I would expect her to hold me to the same standard.

[misombra]

further such reactions = she will break up with you>she will cheat on you.

[NOLA CBD]

Then good riddance.

[misombra]

a woman would be just as glad to be rid of a jealous and posessive person.

not saying it's good or bad. just saying.