My man irritates me to death!

[Krissykris]

But I love him to death.

I hate how much he irritates me and I irritate him but we love each other, but I hate snapping on him for stupid things. And I KNOW they're stupid things, but it's just every little annoyance adds up and then I snap. Then he snaps, and then we're yelling and going crazy, then I end up crying [from frustration]. And he hugs me, tells me how much he loves me and we're fine.

Am I crazy? Or is this disfunctional? hahahaha
Any advice on how to control my rage? He's very laid back and rarely gets upset, but I'm a control freak and I worry about everything and I get upset alot too. So it doesn't help with "just be more laid back" lol I've tried! I'm laid back with everyone but him

I THINK the problem is, I'm his first girlfriend [we're in our mid 20's] and I've dated long term a few times before, so I have experience behind my belt, on how to communicate in a relationship, and he just stays quiet and never tells me whats wrong.

His best trait = sooo laid back
His worst trait = soo laid back

[Aeradalia]

You have no idea how to communicate in a relationship or you would understand that he is trying to appease your tumultuous mood swings --- hence him being so 'laid back.' The poor guy is walking on egg shells.

If you don't learn how to not be so controlling or how to relax in a relationship... he'll be another 'experience' to add to your belt...

[ecojeanne]

i don't think you have to necessarily control your rage, an explosive row here and there is good and can be quite fulfilling especially the making up. do you really think you're a control freak? honestly or are you just listening to him tell you that you are?

[Krissykris]

You have no idea how to communicate in a relationship or you would understand that he is trying to appease your tumultuous mood swings --- hence him being so 'laid back.' The poor guy is walking on egg shells.

If you don't learn how to not be so controlling or how to relax in a relationship... he'll be another 'experience' to add to your belt...

I'm not trying to control HIM, I'm controlling when it comes to our house, I like it clean. I work, pay half the bills and take care of both cars, and somehow I have to CLEAN the whole house while he does nothing but work, cause he thinks it's already clean. And I try to talk to him saying that I would like some help around the house, cause I'm stressed [dealing with injuries and PTSD from a recent accident] and he ignores the fact that I am tired.
Then he helps for 1 week and slowly fades again.

There is such thing as 50/50 in a relationship and I'm doing 90%, but I don't know how to get anything through to him. Cause when I ask him to do something he will, but I shouldn't have to ASK everytime! I feel like a mother.

But I don't know... Maybe I am a horrible GF. I don't know how to explain the problem I have...

[Aeradalia]

How often do you remind him of his faults? How often do you reiterate all that you want done? How do you talk with him? Have you thought to compromise rather than want him to agree to your way? Blowing up is the last resort for when either talking doesn't work anymore or the person cannot properly convey their thoughts in words.

Sounds like he's not working with you... he may not even respect you... have you earned his respect? or have you just been demanding it?

Also... if he really is quite the 'dud' you make him out to be... then you'll have to understand that men may change small things about themselves, but they fundamentally cannot change... You'll have to find some middle ground with the chores with him... or find a man that is closer to what you're really wanting..



This is some supplemental information that influenced my advice:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/personal-development-forum/27927-i-dont-like-porn-2.html[/url]

[Mish]

I hate how much he irritates me and I irritate him but we love each other, but I hate snapping on him for stupid things. And I KNOW they're stupid things, but it's just every little annoyance adds up and then I snap.

Well anyway, long story short, i caught him a few times watching porn, and almost broke up with him those times too. His excuse was "I'm addicted" so I took teh addiction away, I put a lock on his computer rating setting, no XXX sites allowed :O) HE said I could if i wanted to, so I did.

Maybe he is not restricted enough yet? Try restricting his freedoms a bit further and see if that helps.

Making him sleep on the couch for no apparent reason could be a good start.

[Krissykris]

[quote=Aeradalia;431753]How often do you remind him of his faults? How often do you reiterate all that you want done? How do you talk with him? Have you thought to compromise rather than want him to agree to your way? Blowing up is the last resort for when either talking doesn't work anymore or the person cannot properly convey their thoughts in words.

Sounds like he's not working with you... he may not even respect you... have you earned his respect? or have you just been demanding it?

Also... if he really is quite the 'dud' you make him out to be... then you'll have to understand that men may change small things about themselves, but they fundamentally cannot change... You'll have to find some middle ground with the chores with him... or find a man that is closer to what you're really wanting..



This is some supplemental information that influenced my advice:

Maybe he is not restricted enough yet? Try restricting his freedoms a bit further and see if that helps.

Making him sleep on the couch for no apparent reason could be a good start.

Fine I'm a horrible girlfriend, thanks.

[ecojeanne]

maybe you are a little too controlling but you can decide to change that, if you were truly horrible then he would have left you, i don't think you are

[carl1222]

But I love him to death.

I hate how much he irritates me and I irritate him but we love each other, but I hate snapping on him for stupid things. And I KNOW they're stupid things, but it's just every little annoyance adds up and then I snap. Then he snaps, and then we're yelling and going crazy, then I end up crying [from frustration]. And he hugs me, tells me how much he loves me and we're fine.

Am I crazy? Or is this disfunctional? hahahaha
Any advice on how to control my rage? He's very laid back and rarely gets upset, but I'm a control freak and I worry about everything and I get upset alot too. So it doesn't help with "just be more laid back" lol I've tried! I'm laid back with everyone but him

I THINK the problem is, I'm his first girlfriend [we're in our mid 20's] and I've dated long term a few times before, so I have experience behind my belt, on how to communicate in a relationship, and he just stays quiet and never tells me whats wrong.

His best trait = sooo laid back
His worst trait = soo laid back

Wait a cotten-picking minute, krissy ... you are a self-admitted "control freak" with your bf and nobody else ... yet his "worst" trait is that he won't engage you in in your bulls**t?? And you think HE has a communication problem? You think HE'S the one who is lacking in experience about how to communicate in a relationship? Where ... in Krissyland? What woud make you happy ... if he escalated your need to micromanage and control into World War III? If he rolled over and became your doormat???

Based on how you act toward him (and nobody else), If HE were the one posting here, I would probably advise him to dump you! What on earth makes you think that your controlling behavior is anything near to appropriate or acceptable in a loving relationship???

So he left the toilet seat up, or forgot to push in his chair at the dinner table for the hundredth time. So frickin' what! The world will continue to rotate on its axis and revolve around the sun! Lighten up, krissy.

Carl.

ps ... why do you think it's acceptable to treat the man you love WORSE than your friends and acquaintances?

[Aeradalia]

Fine I'm a horrible girlfriend, thanks.

Guilt trips don't work on complete strangers...

It's a common mistake for younger women to think they have to charge in there and 'babysit' men... rather than throwing ultimatums at him.. why not ask what he thinks in relation to the chores? You may not like it.. but I'm sure you could take some of your ideas and some of his and come up with a chore list that 'relaxes' you a bit and 'makes him more responsible.'

Essentially you would be learning how to be more laid back from him (which you need to learn)... and he would be learning to be more responsible (which he may need to learn).

You both have good qualities to offer one another... just need to learn to find that middle ground so you both can become better people for having met one another...

[vashti]

You put a LOCK on the computer? Are you kidding me?

It sounds like you are trying to force him to be the man you want (which isn't him). Square peg, round hole. Find yourself someone you are more compatible with so you don't have to degrade yourself into a naggy, punishing mother. This guy is going to HATE you in 5 years, and you are going to resent him in a big way.

[Mish]

I've dated long term a few times before, so I have experience behind my belt, on how to communicate in a relationship, and he just stays quiet and never tells me whats wrong.

You know how to communicate in a relationship? So how come you are doing this?

And I KNOW they're stupid things, but it's just every little annoyance adds up and then I snap.

[Krissykris]

The reason I'm doing this thread is I'm confused!
Instead of most of you attacking me like a pack of wolves, you could give me information on how to NOT be controlling, how to control my stupid rages.
You don't think I feel like an idiot for putting a lock on the computer? It made me feel better though. He didn't care, he said if it would make me believe him more, then I could do it.

But really.... I just came for advise on how to be a better girlfriend to my boyfriend. Old habits creep up and I want to get rid of them before it's too late.

Of course I didn't mention the things I gave up for him to quit watching porn.

I gave up racing cars [it was too dangerous] and smoking[and that is the hardest] he could've at least quit watching naked chicks.

And there are no guilt trips here. I feel like shit after alot of those replies, its the truth.

[Aeradalia]

If you read all of the posts.. you would see I did offer you advice...

You will have to learn to relax... asking him to stop watching porn --- regardless of what you purchased/traded for it was contradictory to a male's behavior. They just like to fixate on sex... the physical, unemotional, and unattached aspects of it. Now he'll have to find another outlet for his sexual frustrations and may be more sneaky about it. This could lead to untrustworthy behavior... It's better to let him have his porn and have him be open about it.

The chores will require a compromise that both of you can agree on... it won't work any other way... you've learned that already.

In order to be a better girlfriend you need to learn more about men (not just what women tell you... but actually from what other men have to say), learn how to compromise, and learn how to relax.

You have two people living under one roof... both with their own ideas, own beliefs, and own ways of thinking. So you have to meet in the middle, or it will be World War III everyday.

Relationships aren't easy.. they're constant work...

[ecojeanne]

well the first thing i recommend you do is take the lock off the computer....now your bf obviously doesn't like smokers so that up to you what you decide there, the benefits outweigh on that one