What to do next - dating an old crush while being separated

[cainsim74]

I've been separated for nearly 6 months now and right before xmas, an old crush (Ann)from before my marriage asked me to be her date to a Christmas party. I happily accepted, thinking it was more of an "appearance" date and that it would be nothing but fun. She even said there wouldn't be any making out or sex. A few days later, her best friend asked me the status of my marriage, and at that time, we were trying to work things out. A couple of days later, Ann canceled the date and said it was because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. This gave me the impression that she might have been more interested than I had first thought and I told her that I had a very intense crush on her right before I started dating my wife. To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms. It's over, done, and not ever going to work. I gave Ann and her daughter xmas presents right before I went out of town for 2 weeks for xmas and she seemed so happy and texted me saying I was an amazing person and we'd hang out when I got back.

A bit about Ann. She's a single mom to an amazing little 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture-he lives in town and see's his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn't pay a dime towards child care and that brings her a huge amount of stress in her life. Ann grew up with 3 siblings and a single mom who worked her finger to the bone supporting her kids. Her mother had a very, very close relationship with Ann, they were almost inseparable and even slept in the same bed for many years. She's a perfectionist and it's quickly apparent that she devotes her entire life to her daughter and is an amazing mom. She's 100% self sufficient and works very hard and is very proud of that. She said, since she grew up with her mom having boyfriends that would constantly come and go. She hated that as a kid and she vowed to never give her daughter that life. This means we can only hang out when her daughter is at her dad's house and that her house is for her and her daughter only. I respect that to the upmost and I do not want to do anything that would infringe on that at all.

Anyway, back to the timeline. When I got back from vacation, she popped up on chat one night and was asking me about my "situation" and I told her that we weren't' trying to work things out anymore and I was only trying to stay involved in my stepson's life. Her b-day was coming up and she said she didn't really have plans for her b-day night but was to going to a concert the next week as her belated b-day celebration. She was going with friends and invited me along and said if I went, it was going to be her best b-day present. Also before that, we spoke on the phone and she talked about taking a trip with me right when I got divorced and we'd call it my divorce celebration. The night before the concert, she invited me to her house and we had an amazing time hanging out and later went out for drinks and came back to her house and watched documentaries until early in the morning. I said I had to go and she walked me out to the car and gave me a vice-like hug and I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. About 5 minutes from leaving her house, she called and texted me saying I could stay at her house and that she was worried about me driving. I drove back and we slept together and things went as far as making out and falling asleep in each other's arms. The next night, we went to the concert and then went back to her house to sleep. When we walked in the door, she grabbed me and kissed me and we went upstairs to sleep. This time the make out session was more intense and when I left in the morning, she texted me and said she had a great time hanging out with me for the last 2 days.

So, after that, I was walking around in a state of bliss. The more I learn about her, the more amazing and perfect I find her and it just feels "right" when we're together. I've even had a few friends comment over the years that we would make a great couple.

We didn't talk for a few days after that and this is where I think I started making mistakes. I texted her over the weekend saying "I hope this isn't bad to say but I'm kinda missing you". I didn't receive a reply until Monday and she called me and we spoke about it. She said we had to talk about being married and said this was the "only" problem and if it wasn't for this, we'd be dating now. She said for right now that she likes hanging out with me but, since I was married, at this time there would be "NO feelings at all" from me. She said she was a little bit freaked out when she got the text but also said she was feeling the same thing and that she had an amazing time hanging out and that she loved sleeping with me. She told me that if it wasn't for me being married, we'd be together. She even said her best friend was saying that I was great for her and she said her friend doesn't ever say that. About an hour after the phone conversation, she texted me this: "You make me smile. I am into you, for sure. Good night". I think I made the mistake of replying something that sounded way to eager and enthusiastic.

She lives in the next town over, about 30 mins away from me and I'm often in town a couple times a week. When we spoke a few times that week, she asked me if I was in town and stopping by and I called her one night and said I was going to be in town and if it was ok if I stopped by. Her daughter was at home that night, upstairs sleeping. We had a great time but she kept being jumpy when she thought her daughter woke up and might come down the stairs. I made the mistake of assuming I could crash at her house again and she said definitely not since her daughter was at home. She was very adamantent about it and I apologized and felt stupid for assuming that this was ok. Out the door, she gave me a hug but no kiss and told me to text her when got home. I texted her and she said "thanks for hanging out, we'll talk soon". My sensitive side was hurt because she seemed different than the last time we hung out, but my rational side was telling me that she was only reacting this way because her daughter was there and she's only sticking by her promise to her daughter that she didn't want to give her a life of strange guys coming and going. I texted her the next morning and apologized for assuming I could stay over there and she never replied and I haven't heard a peep from her since-3 days ago. This has happened so fast and we aren't at the point where we talk on a daily basis so this really isn't strange we haven't spoken since then but I'm getting a gut feeling that I may have pushed this too fast or she's having second thoughts. The bottom feels like it's dropped out - it doesn't feel right.

I want to be extremely careful to respect her relationship with her daughter and I fully realize and respect that we can't get closer until I'm divorced but I've got a knot the size of Texas that's saying her feelings might have changed or I may have messed up in some other way. I've resolved to give it a couple of more days to see if she'll contact me before I break down and call her. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm a needy or suffocating guy and I'm afraid of being seen as too eager which can be a turn off.

I don't know what's the best way to proceed at this point and I'm worried about screwing this up if I haven't already.

[Boisdevie]

Sorry, could you make that a lot LOT shorter then we might read it.

[Wakeup]

I read it and I think she's a silly git for having you sleep in the same bed with her and then tell you that nothing can happen beyond that little make out session sans actual sex until you're divorced. WTH? If she didn't want anything with you, then why did she cock tease you to the point that you're jumping the emotional gate and getting all obsessed with her. Simmma down now!

Don't call her. If she doesn't want anything to do with you beyond letting you sleep in her bed then let her ask you to come over. If she never asks you, then you're better off without the cock tease until you can get your divorce. Maybe you'd be better off saving her for when you've given yourself more than 5 mins to come to terms with the ending of your marriage. Google rebound relationship and check out why she wants you to have a divorce. Yet she's dumb enough to take you to her bed. pfffft.

[cainsim74]

I really feel like I screwed things up by appearing too eager. I don't know at this point and that's what's driving me crazy. One thing I don't want is to give her the impression that I'm saying "screw you, you didn't let me sleep over at your house" by not contacting her. I'm worried that, if she gets that impression, she will really decide to not have anything to do with me.

[Wakeup]

It seems counter productive to stop chasing someone when they appear to be running away from them. However: Stop chasing and if she is at all interested in taking this further (BEFORE you're divorced) then she will wonder where you got to and she will do a bit of running back to you. She's told you "if you were divorced" things would be different. Give her the heave and find someone who doesn't care that you're like 5 mins out of a marriage and wanting to jump into a rebound. This girl has a head on her shoulders... I'd not want anything serious to do with you either if you were'nt divorced (or at the very least separated for a year or so).. thing is, she's a silly cock tease who brings you to her bed and then says "uhm, No! You're not divorced." Twit.

For the amount of time you've been interacting with her you're waaaaaaaaay far too invested in her. I repeat: Simma down now, ya hear! 6 Months separated wherein during that time you were working on things and now you're all a gaga over someone new... not very smart to get so deep, so soon. IMNSHO.

[cainsim74]

I still don't get it in many ways. I wasn't really doing any "chasing" until the last week. All I've been doing is following. If you look at it, she's the one who's initiated 90% of everything. She's the one who first asked me out, started talking about going on trips together, got in touch w/ me when I came back from vacation, asked me multiple times about my "situation", talked about being compatible, called me back to her house to spend the night, said me showing up to the concert as her best b-day gift, texted me back after spending the night with her and said she had a good time hanging out with me for 2 days, and then texted me this ""You make me smile. I am into you, for sure". Let's look at what I did, I texted her and said I kinda missed her over the weekend and assumed I could spend the night. I feel like texting her that I was missing her was the ultimate crime right now and the whole thing's good as dead and everyone's telling me to back off. But yeah, I really don't feel like I can contact her until she contacts me. I just don't understand why people do this type of thing. It again confirms my theory that the more you blow people off and make them feel insignificant at the beginning, they'll fall for you for you in a heartbeat. If you show you're interested and show too much respect, you're ****ed.

[Wakeup]

So what? The bottom line is she's told you that she's not interested in you as long as you're not divorced. That means you have to not let her use you for her emotional tapon. If she calls you, tell her you didn't call her because you're not divorced yet and you thought she didn't want anything serious with you until you were. End of.

I mean don't chase her NOW that she's told you she wants you divorced. You're not divorced, in fact you've not even been separated fully for even 6 months. Go do a couple of women just for the hell of it and leave this one alone until you're not so hung up on she who wants a divorced man.

[cainsim74]

So basically, it looks like asking to stay the night was the deal killer. I finally got a text from her 4 days later saying "
I'm sorry, things are weird now. I should have never let you come over when **** is home. It's my #1 of being a mom. Never, ever will a guy be at our home when she is home. This is her safe place, and that means no over night guests unless I have prepared her for it. That situation made me realize that I need to take things waaaaaay slow. And maybe I'm still not ready to let another person into our lives".

I apologized and said totally understood told her I was going to ask her if I should leave her alone. and that I felt like I crossed the line. She said we would call me on Wednesday night and said "We are cool, I promise. Lets just chill for a minute and kind of start over"

She never called and by midnight, I just said I was going to make myself scarce. All she said in the morning was "I was already asleep".

So with that, it's a big F*** the whole thing she won't hear from me again. I can't see for the life of me why people like dating. It's never meant anything to me except waste time and money so you can feel like $#%^.

[Wakeup]

Dude.. she doesn't know what she wants if she'd have you in her bed and then tell you NO because you're not divorced. Then, to top it off gets all bent out of shape because she, in her own confusion gave you mixed signals. You're better off without her. If you date again, find someone without kids or at the very least someone who isn't a cock teaser and knows what the hell she wants. Lesson learned with this one. Onward and upward.

FWIW... I give her kudos for not wanting to introduce every Tom, Dick and Harry, that she confuses to her daughter because at the way she goes about things, the kid would be seeing a revolving door of confused men coming and going.

NEXT!

[cainsim74]

Dude.. she doesn't know what she wants if she'd have you in her bed and then tell you NO because you're not divorced. Then, to top it off gets all bent out of shape because she, in her own confusion gave you mixed signals. You're better off without her. If you date again, find someone without kids or at the very least someone who isn't a cock teaser and knows what the hell she wants. Lesson learned with this one. Onward and upward.

FWIW... I give her kudos for not wanting to introduce every Tom, Dick and Harry, that she confuses to her daughter because at the way she goes about things, the kid would be seeing a revolving door of confused men coming and going.

NEXT!

I give her kudos for that too and I've told her that I respect the hell out of her for that. At 44, good luck finding women w/out kids. This shit is beyond annoying to say the least.

[cainsim74]

Yes, but you are only 6 months into a separation. She initially cancelled because she found out you might be reconciling. You should have accepted that and got back with her if you did end up getting a divorce down the road. Instead, you pursued. She has been an influence in getting back with your wife because you have Ann as a carrot. I think, speaking as a divorced person myself, you should just focus on healing and whatever your marriage brings - reconcilation, divorce, a long seperation that ends in figuring out your differences - whatever it is. You may not talk now, but your marriage is not over until you are divorced for real. Ann is very smart not to intro to you to her daughter or get involved.

Do Ann, yourself and the next woman if you don't end up Ann a favor and work through your stuff. Whatever your role in the break down of your marriage was is something you need to work through personally so you don't jump into the same mistakes.

Ann may or may not be interested after you divorce - this is your time to heal and figure out who you are, not to focus on getting with a woman.

The only reason I felt comfortable going over to her house that night was, twice that week she thought I was in town and kept asking "are you stopping by" and those were nights she had her daughter. Also, she's invited me to her house a few times when her daughter was over so I assumed this one time, when I was in town, I could stop by. Now, stopping by is different than spending the night and I get that and respect that to the upmost and would honor that religiously from here on out. It has to be noted too that she said to stop by the store and get some wine and we partied a bit which was the main reason I asked so I didn't drive under the influence. I do feel I could be give a bit of forgiveness for that - especially after apologizing at least 3 times.

As far as slowing things down. I've I feel like I HAVE been moving pretty slow except for the one text I sent. Now her, I would say no not in any shape or form. She verbally says that, but let's recap the facts.

1. She asked me out on a date.
2. When she asked me out on the date, she said to call her to hang out as well anytime and invited me over to her house to hang out (while her daughter was there) that friday.
3. Before Xmas, she kept talking about going on trips with her and even going to stay at a beach house with her and her daughter.
4. When I got back from Xmas, she again, approached me first and kept asking about my "situation" with my wife.
5. More talks about going on a trip together, in fact, one trip would be our "divorce celebration" trip
6. She invites me to a show and says if I show up, it will be her b-day present.
7. When we hang out at her house and I leave, she calls me and has be come back and let's me sleep with her and make out.
8. after the show, we hang out again, second night in a row and I sleep over again, more make out sessions
9. The next morning, she texts me and says how much fun she had.
10. She texts me and says "you make me smile, I'm into you for sure"
11. Asks repeatedly, if I'm coming over to see her.
12. Tells me the marriage is the ONLY obstacle and if it wasn't for that, we'd be together and said "We'd have been ****ing all over this damn house by now if you weren't married"
13. Keeps telling me all the ways we might be compatible.
14 Asks me questions like "am I too young for you"
15. She tells me how her best friends were telling her we would be good for each other and that they NEVER say that about any guy.

So aside from my text saying "I was kinda missing her" and asking if I could stay the night, that's really all the "rushing" and pushing things that I've done. I've been trying to actually move pretty slow and I've said that many, many times.

I really was fine being on my own, working on myself, working through what I've been through in the last few years. I've been doing a lot of counseling to work on areas where I feel I went wrong in my marriage. I had no desire to date unless it was something exceptional and I mean EXCEPTIONAL.

I really do feel like the worst thing I could do is contact her at this point. If she contacts me that would be great but I feel like I'm being treated almost with a high degree of disdain right now for asking to spend the night and really don't feel like it's fair. I've apologized 3 times over text and she won't reply to any of them and never said she would try to call me back to talk like she planned on Wed and didn't even apologize. It feels almost hateful and we have so many mutual friends it's going to be completely awkward and I don't know if I should avoid social situations where she might be there.

[Wakeup]

OMG: Stop all contact with her. Figure out your shit... you've only been out of a marriage for 6 months and you've got a lot of self reflection to be doing before you want to be with someone new as a steady diet. Forget about her and work on yourself. If you want to date, keep it casual and don't give yourself to any one girl until you're free to be in a relationship without the baggage of a wife dragging you down.

As for Anne.. she's nuts and she's really ridiculously dumb if she wants a divorced man when she knew you were only separated. Why in gods name would she even accept a first date with you? A good question to ask any future dates is what are your view on dating a separated man.

*Stop aploogizing to a ditzz.. they just don't get where they were the authors of their own bs.

*Abitbroken has good advice for you.

[Wakeup]

I give her kudos for that too and I've told her that I respect the hell out of her for that. At 44, good luck finding women w/out kids. This shit is beyond annoying to say the least.

You can certainly find one (even if she has kids) that isn't a foolish git like she is. She wants a divorced man, you are not divorced yet she dated you anyway.. WTF?

[cainsim74]

The thing that concerns me more than anything about this situation is that we share a big group of friends that are very close and hang out socially quite a bit. In fact, I play in a band (and my previous band) with one of her best friends who she refers to as her brother and his wife is even closer to her than she is. These two people mean a lot to me. I can already tell a lot of people have got wind of us possibly getting together and have been talking. Now, if she's completely pissed off at me, she's going to talk and if the word gets out that I'm some kind of creep or loser (which I'm not in any shape or form and I would resent the hell out of that), how's that going to make these people feel or see me? Or even worse, what if there are other ladies in this group of mutual friends that might be datable in the future? Or friends of friends in that might be datable and now those chances might not be options because of this situation? This is a big, big deal to me. I don't live the most 'normal' life style for someone my age and besides dating (obviously) I've got my act together and I feel it's a blessing that I've found a group of people who I feel share a lot in common with and who also have their acts together. I've been in two back to back long term relationships (my wife and previous girlfriend) where mixing friends and family always caused problems and I can't take another situation like that. The next relationship I'm in, I've resolved to find someone who's more laid back and fit's in with my current life style much better that my wife and previous girlfriend did. That's one big reason I felt like 'Ann' would have been a rare opportunity. At 44, I feel like the chances of finding someone like that on any internet dating sites is a complete joke.

That's why I wish she would talk to me so badly right now, so I can diffuse any situation like this from developing and just KNOW for sure if she's angry, freaking out, or (I could only hope this would the case) she's taking a break to slow things down. I feel it's crucial that I talk to her about this at some point for damage control purposes but how do I do it, how long should I wait?