Men - Can you give me some insight?

[unknowngirl]

Men - Could you possibly give me a little insight into my partners behaviour? what do you thinks going on? and if you were me, what would you do?
Cheers

I have been with my partner for nearly three years, and engaged for two of them. He is in his early 30’s and I am in my mid 20’s. We live together, and because of my postgraduate studies he supports me finically 100%. For this I am very grateful. – Here’s the however.
My partner has been going out on the weekends (to night clubs), and every weekend for the past five months. He never invites me, and often comes home at 4am – 5am in the morning. I have had conversation after conversation with him about how I feel about his behaviour, yet he doesn’t seem to listen, or care how it is affecting me – and the behaviour continues.
When he comes home he is ‘off his face’ whether its drugs or completely inebriated and its destroying me emotionally. He seems to be nice to me at the beginning of the week, saying let’s spend the weekend together, we will have a nice dinner, go to the movies ect, however, when the weekend comes there always seems to be something else on, someone’s going away, or someone’s birthday, whatever it is there is always an excuse or “legitimate reason”.
When he’s out he doesn’t return my texts or answer my calls and it gets to the point were its quite distressing. Nonetheless, this behaviour has been going on for over a year, and getting more and more frequent. It used to be every three weeks he would go out, which is fine, however, every weekend is not ok with me.
I have cried to him, and told him how much he is hurting me, and ask him what sort of a life he thinks I am going have being married to a man that clearly doesn’t want to spend time with me, and goes out drinking on the weekends till all hours of the morning. He says sorry and he didn’t realise how much he was hurting me, and that he’s been selfish, but come the weekend, he’s out doing exactly the same thing. It’s slowly destroying me, I resent him, I feel like I need to distance myself from him to protect myself, and ultimately I just don’t understand.
I really do love him, and I guess the part that hurts the most is when he proposed to me, I imaged what our lives would be like together, and how things are now doesn’t even come close. I would trade all the financial support I have from him, for any emotional support, understanding, or respect. I am at a loss what to do, and feel like things will never change, but I love him so much, and the thought of walking away is crushing. Then again, I also feel alone in my relationship, and don’t really think the way he treats me is how you would treat someone you love.
Your views and opinions on this would be very much appreciated.
Thank you - and sorry for the essay.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm gonna be blunt - and you aren't going to like it.

He's out ****ing other women.

He doesn't listen to you, because he feels that as you're financially dependent on you, you're going to stay around. He feels that he owns you, controls you and doesn't respect you at all.

[Makeme]

He doesn't listen to you, because he feels that as you're financially dependent on you, you're going to stay around. He feels that he owns you, controls you and doesn't respect you at all.

I agree..

[unknowngirl]

I'm gonna be blunt - and you aren't going to like it.

He's out ****ing other women.

He doesn't listen to you, because he feels that as you're financially dependent on you, you're going to stay around. He feels that he owns you, controls you and doesn't respect you at all.

To be honest, that is the only logical explanation I could think of. But what do you do with that? I have no proof. If I did I would walk away in a split second. I've asked him multiple times, and obviously hes going to lie to me if he had. But then why stay with me? and why marry me if hes off doing that?

That I do not understand.

and your spot on with "He feels that he owns you, controls you and doesn't respect you at all" that!

Head says = run, heart = cant take much any more. Thinking about leaving is a hell lot easier then doing it though.

[HeartIsAching]

Make a plan of action. Find financial support elsewhere, then just split.

Do or do not, there is no try - Yoda.

[unknowngirl]

Make a plan of action. Find financial support elsewhere, then just split.

Do or do not, there is no try - Yoda.

Thank you - hard to do, but obviously not much else

[Boisdevie]

That's what happens when you become financially dependent on another person - your freedom for manoevre is severely limited and he probably knows this. But yep, get out because he's treating you like crap and doesn't seem to care does he?

[unknowngirl]

That's what happens when you become financially dependent on another person - your freedom for manoevre is severely limited and he probably knows this. But yep, get out because he's treating you like crap and doesn't seem to care does he?

I guess not. he keeps saying, its not about me, and he never had friends growing up and now he does and they are really important to him. yet my feelings obviously are not. thank you for your reply

[michelle23]

I think if hes out acting like a single man then yes he probably is cheating. Start planning your escape and dont let him know what your up to until your ready to walk out the door.

My advice is to get a part time job somewhere-20 hours a week even if its only in a grocery store or something. Then find a room that you can rent really cheap if you have no family to turn to.

If you do have family near by then just pack up your stuff and leave now.

Get a job and support yourself. your an adult and you are responsible for you. You put your life in his hands and gave him permission to treat you like dirt coz your so dependent on him. Some men take advantage of that.

hes obviously an asshole-even if hes not cheating hes still making you very unhappy and its time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and take action. Get the f**k outa there now.

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to disagree with the assumption that this is all about supporting you financially. You see, my hubby supports me and our two kids and would never act this way.

But whatever the reason behind his behaviour, you still need to get out. If you continue in this relationship, you'll end up having a breakdown.

[michelle23]

Your husband is a good man b&t, you have shared a lifetime together, you trust him and he respects you and you have children and have a good reason to be at home. The OPs situation is a lot different. Hes taking advantage and shes very vulnerable.

It may or may not be due to financial reasons but he probably thinks that gives him an advantage which it does coz she has nowhere to go (im assuming) I hope she gets out soon

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yeah b&t, I have to agree with Michelle here. You and your husband have a life and family, and I would not consider you financially dependent in the same sense that the OP is. The OP is basically leeching off her boyfriend, whereas I would imagine you take care of the kids and the household?? Postgrad work or not, a guy(or girl) will start to lose respect for a partner whom they must subsidize. The guy probably wants a girlfriend/wife, not a daughter. I've felt his pain, though I just broke up with her instead of treating her badly.

[michelle23]

The bf could have volunteered to help her out though and asked her to just focus on her studies and then took advantage. We dont know the full story.

Anyway OP let this be a lesson to you. Learn to look after you first and dont depend on nobody else. Not unless you trust him 100% anyway and have been together longer than a year or two.

But I dont see any reason why you cant work? When I was in college full time-I still worked 29 hours a week and still got straight As. And then I started working full time and now in college part time.. Look at all your options closely.

Your main priority right now should be leaving this asshole

[unknowngirl]

Yeah b&t, I have to agree with Michelle here. You and your husband have a life and family, and I would not consider you financially dependent in the same sense that the OP is. The OP is basically leeching off her boyfriend, whereas I would imagine you take care of the kids and the household?? Postgrad work or not, a guy(or girl) will start to lose respect for a partner whom they must subsidize. The guy probably wants a girlfriend/wife, not a daughter. I've felt his pain, though I just broke up with her instead of treating her badly.

THAT'S VERY OFFENSIVE! im not leeching off him... way to jump to a massive assumption... I cook every meal, his dinners, his lunches, everything... I clean the house, I do all his washing...I work 1.5 days a week. I pay for all of my own bills my phone, my car, my loans... I have a scholarship and give him 1/3 a month... so dont assume... thats not helpful

[unknowngirl]

The bf could have volunteered to help her out though and asked her to just focus on her studies and then took advantage. We dont know the full story.

Anyway OP let this be a lesson to you. Learn to look after you first and dont depend on nobody else. Not unless you trust him 100% anyway and have been together longer than a year or two.

But I dont see any reason why you cant work? When I was in college full time-I still worked 29 hours a week and still got straight As. And then I started working full time and now in college part time.. Look at all your options closely.

Your main priority right now should be leaving this asshole

And thank you... he did volunteer to help me... and told me to stop working completely which i choose not to do... my postgraduate training is a clinical doctor degree... I have class from 9-9 Mondays, clients all day Tuesday and Wednesday, then i work Thursday mornings then class till 9, and work all day Friday. Like I said above, I do contribute and I do all of the house work, every single bit. I used to get study allowance which I supported myself off, plus work- however, when we moved in together I couldnt get the benefit because he earns too much money- forcing me to be dependent to some degree because 1.5 days of work cant pay everything equally.

I guess, I may just have to drop down to part-time study, because a full-time clinical doctoral program requires 40's of contact a week. so pretty hard to work and then my weekends are filled with assessments and all the other stuff required outside uni time.

Thanks