Ladies please set me straight

[cross eyed mary]

I have been seeing a guy for almost 3 years. Great relationship on the outside. We are best friends and i cant imagine feeling this way about anyone else. Problem is , for the first 2 years he constantly lied to me about his online "activities". Chat rooms, dating sites. even swinger profiles. Every time i would catch him, hed swear it was stupid stuff and hed never do it again. Then Id get paranoid, and go checking up on him. and this would uncover more lies. Now i THINK everything is out in the open. He fell apart and swore hed never hurt me again, we agreed on a fresh start. But i dont know now if i can do that. The trust is gone and i Am an insanely jealous person who basically has a panic attack every time hes on the computer. I dont want to spend my life worrying about him, but i cant shake the feeling hes still up to something. I dont want to throw everything away on the chance that he may be different. finally behaving himself. But i dont want to be a sucker. Please help me.

[lesa]

Lying about these type of things is not good at all. He will seriously need to work on that.

Having panic attack is not helping him feel comfortable being honest to you. His lies could be the result of your behavior...he is 'afraid' to tell you because he thinks you will react the way that you have in the past. Your behavior will never ever help him be honest. Of course, it's not your fault that he is not honest but showing a carefree positive attitude will help him to open up more.

My bf is very honest (I trust) with his behaviors because I give him no reason to feel uncomfortable opening up to me. That is key to having an honest relationship.

I can't tell you what decision you should go from here but having him be more honest can help you gain more information for the situation.

[someonelse]

I think once you lost trust it's imposible to get back. You're always going to wonder and it's not good for either of you. Call it a day and save both of your sanity.

[cross eyed mary]

Lesa
I completely agree with you. i know that my behaviors have made him more sneaky and afraid to open up, i have tried to act like its a clean slate, but its harder than i expected.

Someone else

I think this is what im leaning towards though, if it had been an isolated incident, maybe i could move on. BUt two years is alot to wash away.


thanks for the responses

[Illusional]

stop double posting your problems... it makes more work for me.

raverboy

[Melinda01]

It is difficult to trust him straight away. Only time will show...and actions! Then if he shows you that he is worthy your trust it will come really natural by your side. But until you see some continuous action for a long time then I don't suggest that you hand up to his words...words are just words and they're easy to say

[squirrley]

He's a sneaker isn't he? The trust is gone no matter the whole conversation of starting over or starting fresh. EVERY single time he gets online what's going through your head? You are going to question, seethe, and start snooping. Of course you don't want to throw away your relationship, but he's been lying to you for how many years? How long do you really want to put up with it? I certainly would have a hard time trusting someone who has a laid a strong foundation for lack of trust. How serious is your relationship if he's always online in these chatrooms and whatever else?

I wouldn't stand for it and it's not like you can tell him he can't go on the computer anymore. Give him a chance but be prepared for more lying. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty or jealous, he's the one acting up.