Complete sexual rejection/no sex again. ever.

[baby.cakes]

My partner and I have been going out for a year and 8 months, we live together and for the most part get along very well.
We waited for 6 months before we had sex, he is 39 and I am 19 and we wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be one of those older man younger women relationships.

For the past 7 months we have not had sex. once. When I have tried to bring this up with my partner he asks why does it bother me so much when we have such a fufilling relationship outside the bedroom? On some occassions when he is angry and int he heat of an arguement he will say its because I have no self confidence, which is not true, so I wonder whether it could his own feelings about himself.
He says that if I am so depserate to have sex he doesnt mind if I go and get it else where, which annoys me because I want to make love to him, and have that intimacy with HIM.
He says that he loves me and wants to have children with me and his feelings towards me are pure. Ie he is happy not having sex and being with me because he enjoys me as a person.

This whole situation upsets me as I want to have sexual intimacy with my partner and the man I love. at times I feel so rejected and low by the all, even though I know (without sounding arrogant) I am a beautiful and attractive young lady.

He has had a lot on his plate with terms of his business's and setting things up, also family stress (his father passed away, trying to help his mum out) so I dont know whether this can effect him..

I dont want to leave him because I love him and want to be with him. Yet at the same time I dont want to be with someone for the rest of my life (if our relationship goes this way) without any sexual intimacy.

P.S i trust him that he is not cheating on me, we have talked about this and I believe him. So please dont mention that, since that subject is done and dusted in my mind. (Of course though it is always a possibility in any relationship)

[MerryH]

At his age, he should be able to understand that sex is important to most people. What, he was never a 19 year old who wanted to **** anything that moved? I find it surprising that he's basically trying to tell you to get over it. To me, that's a bigger concern. He should want to work on this (or any) issue, not just tell you you're wrong. That's unfair and selfish.

Since he's not even acknowledging that it's a problem, what makes you think it'll ever get better? When one person shuts it down by saying 'No, it's not a problem," there's not much you can do with that. You can either choose to stay with him and accept that sex won't ever be what you want it to be, or find someone else.

[Boisdevie]

Excellent post. Makes me feel quite normal. He is 20 years older than you - are you completely crazy? And he's not even ****ing you.

[MaidenMinx]

Wow boisdevie, that is twice in 2 minutes I have seen you call someone crazy for an age gap in a relationship. Age is no barrier to love. Didn't your mother ever tell you if you don't have anything nice to say then shut the **** up!

Babycakes, for some people sex simply isn't an issue. His suggestion of you finding someone else is probably just the male "there's a problem! I need to fix it" centre going off in his brain. Evidence in my opinion that sex is just not something that is important to him.

Maybe try starting a conversation by acknowledging all that is wonderful in your relationship with him. Tell him that all of these wonderful things make you want to express your feelings for him physically. Find out if there is anything going on that might make sex uncomfortable for him. Finish by telling him you don't want anyone else, though the idea of a sexless life doesn't make you want to stay either. Then leave it with him. If things change, YAY!! for you both! If not, you will have to determine if this is a relationship ender for you. I am a big believer in not wasting time with someone you can't imagine forever with.

Best of luck!

[qwertz]

Wow boisdevie, that is twice in 2 minutes I have seen you call someone crazy for an age gap in a relationship. Age is no barrier to love. Didn't your mother ever tell you if you don't have anything nice to say then shut the **** up!

Babycakes, for some people sex simply isn't an issue. His suggestion of you finding someone else is probably just the male "there's a problem! I need to fix it" centre going off in his brain. Evidence in my opinion that sex is just not something that is important to him.

Maybe try starting a conversation by acknowledging all that is wonderful in your relationship with him. Tell him that all of these wonderful things make you want to express your feelings for him physically. Find out if there is anything going on that might make sex uncomfortable for him. Finish by telling him you don't want anyone else, though the idea of a sexless life doesn't make you want to stay either. Then leave it with him. If things change, YAY!! for you both! If not, you will have to determine if this is a relationship ender for you. I am a big believer in not wasting time with someone you can't imagine forever with.

Best of luck!

Ermmm yes, it is!

With this age difference people are normally at different stages of their life. He probably doesnt want to have sex because his sex drive is diminishing with age. If this is the case then it is only going to get worse.

[MaidenMinx]

I said love, not getting dirty. I wasn't telling babycakes that her problem has nothing to do with age, I was telling Boisdevie to shut up with the agist bs. Also saying his sex drive is diminishing with age is extremely presumptuous. Maybe he never had any sex drive to start with. :p

[qwertz]

Did you actually read my post?
People are often at different stages of their life with an age gap that big...being at different stages of life and having different priorities often equals incompatability in the long term. Love does not conquer all, anyone that thinks so is naive or stupid or both.

With regards to sex drive...its a fact that most mens sex drive diminishes as they get older. Note the PROBABLY in my first post.

[MaidenMinx]

Yes I did read your post, and was trying to keep a little light hearted, rather than going into a drawn out specualtion of someone elses reasons for lack of sex drive.

Call me as naive as you wish but I do strongly believe that love can conquer all. I also believe that people are stupid and it's our tendency to overthink or not think at all that ruins relationships. I would also like to add here, sex is not love. I claim age is no barrier to LOVE, not sex. Sure age gaps are going to affect sex but sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. Your point about being in different stages of life and having different priorities is relevant but any relationship where there is a difference in priorities is going to have hiccups. I think it is narrow minded to assume that this couples problems are simply aged based. That is all I was trying to say, you can continue to argue me if you wish but I'd be happier to agree to disagree.

[girl68]

I have to agree it's the age thing. He's gonna be 60 when you're in your 40's and in your prime, he doesn't satisfy you now... he most definitely won't be satisfying you in you're 40's.

[xinn1314]

well, agree with the age and stages of life thing..
u know, we have HORMONES. at diff stages of life, we have diff amounts of them circulating,
the best and what u can do, or u HAVE TO do, is bring up this matter.. communication between u guys is vital.
he may not be free to think about your point of view, so u have to describe your point of view to him..
good luck

[surfer808]

Im 41 and have sex at least 2 times a day. So a 39 year old can and should be horny more than he is. Sure each is different, but this guy takes the cake. I can't even imagine trying to hold a relationship together without that component unless I was 90, and old people still do it. Its nice he thinks your perfect, but I think something is wrong and you will ultimately be unsatisfied. Why deny yourself sex at any age? He definitely has issues that must be worked through, just do you want to take the time to help, or get another. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You can and will find someone great should you choose to do so.

[Boisdevie]

Wow boisdevie, that is twice in 2 minutes I have seen you call someone crazy for an age gap in a relationship. Age is no barrier to love. Didn't your mother ever tell you if you don't have anything nice to say then shut the **** up!

Thanks for your wonderful comment. For the record I'm 47 years old and the idea of a woman 20 years younger than me being interested in me would make me doubt her sanity. Is it OK for me to tell you to shut the **** up as well?

[vashti]

I agree that the age gap is too great, and I say this as a woman who was involved in a relationship with the same gap. Sorry, MaidenMinx, but you don't know what you are talking about.

And for the record, the man in question is obviously impotent. He should be ashamed of himself for expecting a young girl to follow him down that path. Of course, that is probably one of the factors that attracted him to her in the first place - younger women are afraid to have expectations, and a woman his own age would be so much less likely to tolerate no sex life.

[MaidenMinx]

Boisdevie, as this is a public forum, you may tell me to shut the **** up. I probably won't listen to you though. We have different opinions, obviously, I just thought the way you expressed yours was rude. *shrugs*

Vashti, I may not have had personal experience in this area but I have seen huge age gaps produce wonderful caring relationships, so yes I do know what I'm talking about. You say he is obviously impotent (I don't get how you figure that) and it's unfair to expect his gf to follow him down that path. If he were 19 and had trouble performing would that mean he should have no relationship? There is a HUGE difference between not being able to and not wanting to. She never said he had an issue with performance, just that he never wants to. Impotence and lack of libido are 2 very different things and both can affect people at any age.

[CAM]

My gf is 18 yrs younger than me. I screw her like a champ and she very much enjoys it--that's what she tells me (I always doubt women, but I'm repeating her line). I just think for her, sex is a tool to avoid discussions about who she is. I need to know who she is to decide on whether its worth continuing. I'm not like the OPs boyfriend--I don't like sex, never have, but I give 'em what they want, so to speak. I'm misanthropic, but I need the human contact because...well, unfortunately, I'm human.

You should never move in like you have...big mistake. This guy needs his space.